Kin of the Soul
Kin of the Soul
Slash: Angel/Xander, Angel/Spike
Rated: ADULT
banner by objectivelypink
STOP!!! This is the third chapter today... At this speed, you know there will be typos but the baby is ready to come out, and I am done with this delivery. This goes down as longest labor pains ever, giving birth to this!
( Part One ) ( Part Two ) ( Part Three ) ( Part Four ) ( Part Five ) ( Part Six ) ( Part Seven ) ( Part Eight ) ( Part Nine ) ( Part Ten ) ( Part Eleven ) ( Part Twelve ) ( Part Thirteen ) ( Part Fourteen ) (Part Fifteen ) ( Part Sixteen ) ( Part Seventeen ) ( Part Eighteen ) ( Part Nineteen ) ( Part Twenty) ( Part Twenty-One ) ( Part Twenty-Two ) ( Part Twenty-Three ) ( Part Twenty-Four ) ( Part Twenty-Five ) ( Part Twenty-six ) ( Part Twenty-Seven ) ( Part Twenty-eight ) ( Part Twenty-nine )( Part thirty ) ( Part Thirty-one ) ( Part Thirty-Two ) ( Part Thirty-Three ) ( Part Thirty four ) ( Part Thirty-five ) ( Part Thirty-Six ) ( Part Thirty-Seven ) ( Part Thirty-Eight ) ( Part Thirty-nine ) ( Part Forty ) ( Part Forty-one ) ( Part Forty-two ) ( Part Forty-three ) ( Part Forty-four ) ( Part Forty-five ) ( Part Forty-six ) ( Part Forty-Seven ) ( Part Forty-Eight ) ( Part 49 ) ( Part 50 ) ( Part 51 ) ( Part 52 ) ( Part 53 ) ( Part 54 ) ( Part 55 ) ( Part 56 ) ( Part 57 ) ( Part 58 ) ( Part 59 ) (Part 60) ( Part 61 )
( Part 62--Tuesday's first chapter )
( Part 63 -- Tuesday's second chapter )
Chapter 64
Willow walked up to the shade of the tree where Angel and Xander stood. Spike was still inside the closest mausoleum, waiting until true nightfall, but the little bits of dappled light that drifted through the leaves weren’t enough to hurt Angel, not with the consort link to support him. “Xander,” she said softly. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here for everyone.”
“You had Tara to take care of,” Xander answered. “It’s not your job to take care of everyone, Will. Just Tara.”
“Yeah, but…” Willow caught her lower lip between her teeth and looked over to where Buffy leaned against Riley. Her hair hung limply and she didn’t have a bit of makeup on, two things that definitely didn’t look right on Buffy. “I know I can’t fix this, but I should have been here. I should have noticed that Joyce was more sick than the doctors thought.”
“You couldn’t have,” Angel said. Angel hadn’t ever been much of a Willow fan, so Xander was a little surprised, but Angel reached out and caught her hand. “Jenny Giles, and probably Rupert too, have this idea that things can be fixed if you have the right book and the right spell. They can’t be, Willow.”
Willow blinked up at him, and Xander could almost taste her pain. She was the golden child of the group. Buffy had taken the job as the class screw-up, and Xander had class clown all sewn up, so if she wanted attention, she had to be perfect. Looking back, Xander figured he wasn’t even the one with the crappiest childhood or the most issues. He was just the one with the most therapy.
“After two hundred and fifty years, I can tell you this,” Angel offered, “I can’t stop bad things from happening. A demon curses the man I love, and I can’t do anything to undo it.”
Willow’s gaze bounced over to Xander, and she opened her mouth, most likely to offer to try and undo the curse.
“And you can’t do anything, either,” Angel said firmly. “Sometimes you have to trust or at least accept that the universe is bigger than you.”
Halfway through, Tara had come up behind Willow, wrapping an arm around Willow’s waist. “Wise words,” Tara offered in a quiet voice.
“It’s a hard lesson to learn, and one that took two more than two centuries for me to understand,” Angel said.
“If Spike were out here, he’d say that’s because you’re not a fast learner,” Xander pointed out. Angel gave Xander a mock glare before putting an arm around Xander’s shoulder and pulling him closer.
“Joyce always said something similar,” Tara said. She turned to watch the funeral guests walk by the coffin for the last time. “She said that as much as she never wanted Buffy to be the slayer that she had to trust that God had chosen her for good reason.”
Willow didn’t answer, but a tear slipped over her cheek.
“Blair says the same thing,” Xander said. “He says that people don’t have destinies, they have choices. But sometimes the universe doesn’t give you any choice other than throwing a fit like a two-year-old or accepting that the universe doesn’t revolve around us.”
“Blair sounds wise,” Tara offered.
“The wisest,” Xander agreed. “He’s the one who first made me really see that I was judging people around me using rules that didn’t actually make any sense. But I wonder if he’d say the same thing if he really knew Joyce. She didn’t deserve….”
“No one deserves to die,” Tara said. The minister walked over to Buffy and all of them fell silent while the minister offered some words. Dawn had abandoned the grave side service to hide in the mausoleum with Spike, so it was just Buffy, Riley and the minister as the last of the guests wandered away. The sun was starting to slip below the horizon and the first of the stars were out in the blue-gray sky.
“We should offer to take in Dawn,” Angel said.
Xander frowned and looked up at him. “Buffy will want Dawn with her.”
Angel nodded. “Until Dawn’s anger makes her start striking out. She’s Dawn’s sister, and Dawn needs her sister to fight with and grieve with. Being her mother is going to be a lot harder.”
“And you think we’d do any better?” Xander asked. He knew he didn’t know how to handle a grieving teenager, no matter how much he loved her. And he was pretty sure the same was true of the rest of them, too. Spike had actually gotten banned from the Summers’ home because he’d taught Dawn how to pick locks, and Dawn had invaded her sister’s diary. Actually, that’s how Dawn figured out about the slaying stuff, although at the time she’d shown up at Angel’s apartment clutching the diary, sure her sister was psychotic.
“I think Cordelia could handle it,” Angel said. “But now is a time for grieving. We can offer later.”
Maybe there was some silent signal Xander missed because Tara and Willow started wandering toward the road where they’d all parked. They were going to all meet at the Summers’ house later, but Xander could feel fatigue pull at him. Maybe it was the strain of the consort link as he supported Angel who was busy not getting turned into a big pile of ash or maybe it was just one too many emotional hits in too short of a time, but he felt like he could sleep for about a month.
“You’re oddly more aware of people’s feelings,” Xander accused Angel. Angel’s arms came around Xander’s stomach as Angel pulled him close.
“The demon can smell emotions that linger on the skin. He can understand anger and resentment and revenge and weakness. He can’t read Willow’s face or see that she has strength under the weakness. He can smell power and vulnerability, but he can’t understand the love there.”
“And the soul?”
Angel sighed. “The soul can read a face and understand the pain and the guilt and the joy of being human. But he isn’t any better at reading people. He still finds himself surprised when people act like demons with no souls or when a soulless demon finds the strength to love.”
“I thought it was the demon who hated Spike’s habit of falling in love,” Xander pointed out.
“He does,” Angel agreed, “but he understands it. The soul can’t understand that love is something that comes from the soul and the being. The soul loves you because you don’t surprise him. You may make bad choices from time to time....”
“Like interrupting your assassination plan?” Xander asked.
“Yes.” Angel’s voice was utterly flat as he said that, which usually meant he was trying to not show some emotion from one side or the other. The flat voice was a definite improvement over the long periods of being locked in his own body.
“And why does the demon love me?” Xander asked.
Angel took longer to think about that. “Because you are utterly his,” he finally answered. “The Powers, Wolfram and Hart, the slayer, your parents, even Father Peter… they all tried to take you away, and you belonged utterly to us the whole time.”
“It takes strength to command that sort of loyalty,” Xander guessed.
“And strength to command it from someone who is so strong,” Angel agreed. “Some days I wonder how you ever decided to fall in love with me.”
Xander thought back over the years as he watched the minister leave. Buffy and Riley leaned into each other. “You respected me,” Xander started slowly. “Even when you thought I was wrong like back when I wanted to follow Buffy to the Master’s lair, you respected me. And you were a little afraid of me.”
“I was afraid of your movies,” Angel corrected him with a growl.
“Oh,” Xander said knowingly. Angel could say that now, but looking back, Xander could see that Angel had been afraid of facing the world and all the messy moral choices that Xander dragged into Angel’s life. “And I was all about not knowing who I was, and you let me be someone I liked.”
“I did?” Angel sounded confused.
“Yeah,” Xander said with a shrug. “You were the big, strong, scary dude I taught how to use a cell phone, and because you needed me for something, it didn’t feel as totally emasculating when you had to show me how to hold a sword without cutting off my own ear. And you were so good at fighting that when you could kick my ass that was okay too because you can pretty much kick anyone’s ass.” Xander sighed. “Do you think Joyce and Hank ever had anything that good?” Xander thought about how she said that Hank had loved her without respecting her, and he doubted it. Angel didn’t answer.
“I really hope that Buffy and Riley have something that good,” Xander said softly as he watched Buffy pull away from Riley to land on her knees beside Joyce’s casket. Riley was right there next to her, holding her as she leaned against the polished wood. In the distance, several soldiers watched from a respectful distance, but Xander could see their grief too. These were the men and women who had become part of Buffy’s life, and Xander was guessing some of Joyce’s cookies had made their way back to the soldiers. Joyce had a way of doing that, of reminding people that she appreciated that her daughter never had to deal with her destiny alone.
“I think they do.” Angel sighed. “I was so sure that Riley and Spike would turn on each other, that they would act like vampire lieutenants. I was equally sure that Riley would be too human, that he wouldn’t allow Buffy to follow the demon instincts that give her the strength to survive.”
“So, you think you were wrong?”
Angel took his time answering. “Looking at him with both the soul and the demon, yes. I think I was wrong,” Angel admitted. Xander nodded. Angel really was better with people now that he wasn’t trying so hard to ignore the demon that he pretty much ignored any knowledge Angelus had, even when it was right. And honestly, the demon understood people better than the soul. The soul spent most of his life avoiding people. The demon had learned to mimic humanity, to understand it and hunt it. The demon might be immoral and sadistic, but it was a smart sort of immoral and sadistic.
“Joyce would have liked knowing that Riley had your seal of approval,” Xander said softly.
“I wish I had told her.”
“I wish I had told her a lot of things.”
Angel didn’t answer. Xander watched as Riley helped Buffy back to her feet before he went to go offer his condolences; however, Angel held him back. Xander turned and frowned at Angel, but Angel just nodded toward the shade of another tree. The light was fading fast, and it took Xander several seconds to see Giles standing there. He looked old and tired. Then again, life hadn’t exactly treated him well. His slayer didn’t need him, his Watcher group had pretty much left him twisting in the wind by refusing to help with Glorificus, his wife had betrayed him, and the Buffy had turned to the Scourge of Europe, or at least the male half of it, when she needed help. As far as a Watcher went, Xander was pretty sure that went in the “loss” column.
Giles slowly walked to Buffy’s side, his hands twitched as if he wasn’t sure what to do with them. Buffy turned from the coffin and caught Giles in a hug so hard that Xander could hear Giles’ “uf” from their spot under the tree. Riley stood awkwardly to the side, watching as Giles and Buffy held each other tightly. Xander wasn’t sure what they were saying, but Angel urged him forward.
Xander crossed the damp grass, swallowing as he looked at Joyce’s closed casket. The cemetery workers were standing near some equipment, clearing anxious to get the casket in the ground before something Hellmouthy could happen, but this was one woman who wouldn’t rise from her grave. Joyce had earned her rest.
“I’m so sorry,” Xander could hear Giles muttering over and over as he held onto Buffy. Given that slayers normally lasted a year or two, Xander figured that either Giles was way better at loving someone than most Watchers, or there had to be a whole lot of sad and broken Watchers out there. It was killing Giles that he hadn’t been able to protect Buffy from her mother’s death, so Xander was pretty sure it would really kill him if he failed to protect Buffy from demons.
“Angel. Xander,” Riley greeted them. Giles pulled away from Buffy, and Xander could almost see him try to pull himself together in front of them. It made Xander sad that their lives were so separate that Giles couldn’t grieve in front of them. But then, Giles really had been the one person Xander couldn’t seem to really get past his problems with. As he grew up, he understood Giles more, but something in his friendship with Angel had destroyed any respect between them, and Xander couldn’t accept a relationship without respect.
“Hey. Thanks for coming,” Buffy said weakly. She wasn’t holding up well, but luckily they didn’t have a hellgod to worry about, and the soldiers could handle any slaying.
“Buff. I’m so sorry,” Xander said. Opening his arms, he offered a hug. She took it, but there was a distance between them that he couldn’t bridge. After he had given her one squeeze, she was already pulling back.
“Joyce was a good woman,” Angel offered. “I know she’s happy now.”
Giles looked away, but Buffy looked at Angel, tears welling in her eyes.
“Thank you,” Riley offered for her. “We know she’s in heaven.”
Angel nodded. “I’m sure she is.” For a second there was an awkward silence. It wasn’t hostile, but Xander realized that they really didn’t have much to say to each other anymore. “The spell that… when I lost my soul,” Angel started, awkwardly. He stopped, and Xander could almost hear the soul and demon debating about what to say. Xander was actually pretty proud that Angel hadn’t gone off on Giles about his idiot wife… or ex-wife. Xander wasn’t sure where they stood, now that he thought about it. Angel sighed. “When I came back, I knew that this world was so dark, so terrifying that I have to believe that the place I had been was much better, much safer,” Angel said, his words still slow and awkward. “I knew that, and I knew who I loved. I never stopped loving my family. I know Joyce is the same. She’ll always love you.”
Buffy stared at Angel, tears rolling down her face, one after another.
“Thank you,” Riley said. “She was a grand woman, and I know she’s watching from heaven.”
Angel gave Riley and Buffy a nod before turning, his hand on Xander’s back urging Xander back toward the cars.
They walked through the darkening cemetery, the smell of freshly turned dirt reminding Xander of vampires and high school. “That was beautiful,” Xander said softly.
“The demon would have rather avoided the conversation,” Angel admitted.
“It was a kind gesture,” Xander said, and that would explain why the demon had wanted to avoid it. “Is Spike coming?” Xander asked.
“He’s staying with Dawn. Buffy’s in no shape to keep an eye on her, and Riley is too focused on Buffy.”
“Oh.” They reached the car and Xander got in on the passenger side, waiting as Angel walked around to the driver’s door. Angel got in. “Oh, shit,” Xander suddenly exclaimed.
“Xander?” Angel’s hand fell on his waistband where he kept a weapon.
“Dawn.”
“Dawn?”
“Dawn,” Xander said louder. “We thought Dawn was Glory because she wasn’t real, or she hadn’t always been Dawn, or something. We’re leaving Spike with Dawn when Dawn is probably not Dawn.” Xander could have kicked himself. How did he let that detail slip past him? Seriously, there was a reason he wasn’t one of the frontline fighters. He sucked at keeping track of the enemy, not that Dawn was an enemy, or even a potential enemy. Probably.
“She thinks she’s Dawn,” Angel said firmly. “Wesley cast an honesty spell. Apparently she’s been lying about attending classes, something Buffy will discover eventually, but she believes she’s Dawn Summers.”
“But….” Xander was back to being confused.
“If you were a magic user, and you wanted to guarantee that no one ever found you, how can you prevent yourself from calling an old friend or using a familiar spell?” Angel pulled away from the curb.
“Wait… you think Dawn thinks she’s Dawn? So she wiped her own memories, her own personality?”
Angel took a deep breath. “Whoever she used to be, now she’s Dawn Summers. She’s Buffy’s sister. She’s Joyce’s youngest daughter. Unless the spell used to create the memories has a time limit, that’s all she is.”
Xander frowned. It made sense in a demonic sort of way. Demons and witches sometimes took things a little too far. However, Xander was a consort, Spike was a vampire who found a way to still love people, Angel was a demon and a soul shoved in one body, Faith was half abused child and half terrifying warrior princess, and Cordelia was… well, Cordelia. Dawn actually fit in with them better than Graham. “Okay,” Xander said with a shrug. “We’ve dealt with stranger.”
“Yes,” Angel agreed, “we have.”