The Cost of Butterfly Kisses

[lit_gal]

The  Cost of Butterfly Kisses, Part 43
Fandom/Pairing: BtVS, Spike/Xander
Rated: ADULT

I love the smell of spurting in the morning.  Second chapter this weekend, so read 'em in order folks.

So, Vovka is wondering if Xander has some sort of powers, and he's determined to find out the truth.

( Chapter One... )  ( Chapter Two... ) ( Chapter 14 . )

Vovka was in uniform when he walked in next to Riley, and Xander could see Buffy stiffen up almost immediately. If Spike was right about her feeling backed into a corner, uniforms were probably not of the good. Spike sat on the arm of Xander's chair, and he looked like he'd just sunk his fangs into a lemon, so Xander was guessing he thought the same thing.

"Buffy," Riley said in a cautious tone.

"Hey, Riley," Willow offered with a smile. Her and Tara sat on the edge of Xander's bed with Buffy and Giles both acting like a big old roadblock. Xander wasn't sure when Riley had become the enemy, but Buffy wasn't being exactly fair.

"Willow. How nice to see you again," Riley said with a little more genuine warmth in his voice. Willow's gaze slipped down to the floor and she frowned. Clearly she didn't know how to handle this any more than Xander did… or Buffy for that matter. But Giles was here, and he stepped right into the void.

"So, I understand that you suspect that Xander may hold some latent power?" Just from the tone, Giles managed to make it pretty clear he thought Vovka was a big, huge idiot.

Vovka nodded. "Perhaps. Maybe Caleb had some reason for wanting Xander in particular dead."

"Like?" Giles demanded.

Vovka took a deep breath and glanced over toward Riley for just the briefest of seconds. "I don't know. That's why I want to do a few simple tests."

"Such as?" Tara asked. She'd been here for hours preparing counterspells, but Xander wasn't exactly sure what she was countering. It made him more than a little nervous because in his experience, too much magic in one place was never a good thing.

"A little passive exploration." Vovka held his hands out to show he had nothing in them. "Some hand spells to check for magical auras and emanations, and just some talking about Xander's experiences with the supernatural."

"His aura isn't supernatural," Tara said.

"So, this guy is full of shit?" Buffy asked, jumping on that. She desperately wanted Tara to say 'yes', and that desperation was written all over her face.

"Not necessarily," Tara finally admitted. "I know folk magic, but the Zoroastrian mages have different spells, different ways of seeing the world."

"So, he needs to see for himself that I'm just boring old me," Xander summarized. Spike's hand tightened on his shoulder, but then Spike probably thought Xander was insulting himself. He wasn't. He was the normal one, the boring one, compared to just about everyone he knew, and he'd come to terms with that.

"You fight with a slayer. I don't think anyone can call you boring," Vovka said. Xander frowned as he tried to figure out if the guy was sucking up to him or to Spike. "You may feel something like spiderwebs across your skin if my magic finds any inherent magic inside you."

"Great. Spiders. My favorite," Xander said.

"Know this, mate," Spike interrupted before Vovka could do anything. His voice had a deadly quiet to it that made a shiver go down Xander's spine. "You do anything ta hurt him, and I will gut you so fast that Finn won't have a chance to even raise a hand. Got it?"

"Very much so," Vovka agreed. Vovka waved his hands, and Xander braced himself for the creepiness. Vovka looked a little like a deaf guy trying to flag down a bus with very enthusiastic sign language, but as far as Xander could tell, nothing happened.

He looked up at Spike. "Anything?" Spike asked.

"Nope."

"This really is a waste of time," Giles complained softly.

"Oh, I don't know. We get to see how very wrong Riley's guy is," Buffy said. Yep, General Buffy was making her return.

"Hey, Buff," Xander said. "Is that a bruise on your chin or just really bad makeup?"

Her mouth fell open. "Xander!"

"Hey, just asking. This is my concerned face. See?"

Buffy rolled her eyes, which is pretty much what Xander wanted. "I went to get my stuff out of the school since they've closed it down. Dawn says it's unfair because Et'an and Ria are making her and Halvard go to school and she seems to think she should get a holiday on account of imminent world ending." A shadow crossed Buffy's face, and Xander could understand that. It hurt to know that the best way to protect your family was to stay the hell away from them. He wanted to think he could always protect his daughter, but then he had more practice feeling helpless than Buffy did.

"So, a student at the school tackled you because he was so happy to see you back?" Xander guessed with an idiotic smile.

Buffy glared at him this time. "Caleb was there."

"Caleb?" Giles blurted out. "My God, is h-he-"

"Still able to make me see cartoon birdies all around my head? You betcha," she joked. "The short lack of consciousness was nice. I feel rested. But hey, how about we not talk about this right now?" She looked right at Riley.

That got a sigh out of Riley. "Buffy, we're here to back you up. If you feel that you should confront Caleb on your own, I'll support that position, but if you want backup, we are here to provide that."

"So he can kill you guys? This isn't someone you can handle," Buffy said.

Xander snorted. "This isn't someone a nuclear bomb could handle. But hey, maybe we could try."

"I think the President might have a problem with bombing California," Riley said with a small smile.

"Oh I don't know. We totally didn't vote for him. My guess is that he would love to bomb California."

Riley really smiled now. "He probably would, but I think nuking California would be bad for his reelection chances."

"Probably," Xander agreed. "So, since you got a big nada out of the whole hand-waving thing, maybe we can call all this off," Xander said to Vovka.

"Most likely it was just a game Caleb was playing," Vovka agreed. "But before I give up, maybe we could talk about your experiences with the supernatural."

Spike draped an arm over Xander's shoulders. "Ask him about Angelus. Git talked Angelus out of eating him, and I still don't know how he managed that."

"He… what?" Giles pulled his glasses off, and Xander cringed.

"Ixnay on the N-gelus-say." Xander stopped. Clearly he didn't know pig Latin as well as he thought he did.

"Xander? When did you talk Angelus out of eating you?" Giles pinned Xander with an unhappy look, and both girls avoided eye contact. He'd come clean to them about facing Angelus in the hospital, but they'd never gotten around to telling Giles. He'd been all caught up in Jenny's death, and Xander just didn't feel like going into it.

"I didn't really talk him out of eating me," Xander said.

"Yes, you did, pet," Spike interrupted. "He came home mad enough ta spit nails. Spent the whole night and day complaining about you, he did. Drove Dru right up the wall."

"What?" Giles turned an interesting shade of red.

"It was when I was sick," Buffy said.

"Traitor," Xander whispered.

Buffy ignored him. "Angelus came after me, and Xander made him leave."

Giles looked from one to another, his eyebrows just about crawling up into his hairline. "But… how?"

"I really should be offended that you're all shocked-man, but really, I'm not exactly sure how I did it," Xander admitted. "He said I couldn't stop him, and I told him that was true, but that I could scream like a little girl, and that he could take me and maybe he could take everyone else in the lobby who would come, and maybe he couldn't, but I was willing to try." Xander shrugged. "He decided he wasn't as willing to try."

"Brassed him off no end, having to back down to a human," Spike said with more than a little satisfaction in his voice.

Xander snorted. "That was called luck."

"No, that was you pointing out that the prat is really just a big coward at heart. Give him an easy victim, and he's as happy as a pig in the rubbage bin, but he doesn't want to work for his meal."

"Well, yeah," Xander agreed. He'd known Angel was a coward even before the soul took a coffee break. "He left Buffy to die alone with the Master, so I think cowardice was pretty much a given."

"He was not a coward." Buffy crossed her arms. "How long do you plan to hold a grudge?"

"Pretty much forever," Xander answered honestly.

"Xander," Willow said in that tone of voice she used to use to warn him when teachers were about to give him detention until the next ice age.

"Hey, I'm just saying what I think is true. Angel or Angelus, he never had a whole lot of courage going for him. Even ignoring the age thing and the slayer thing, having him dating Buffy was majorly creepy."

"Xander!" Buffy and Willow both blurted out.

"Oi, you tell 'em. That just about put me off my feed," Spike encouraged him.

Giles cleared his throat. "Be that as it may, why didn't anyone inform me that Xander had such a direct conflict with Angelus? The watcher diaries were very explicit about the methods Angelus used to take revenge any time he felt he'd been slighted."

"We were already doing our best to stop him," Willow said, her voice sounding hurt as Giles accused her of… well, Xander wasn't entirely sure what Giles was accusing them of. It sounded like Giles was upset that they'd left him out of the loop, but Xander seemed to remember that Giles was actually pretty happy to be loopless in high school as long as it wasn't something relating to Buffy.

"At the time, G-man, you seemed more interested in what Angelus was doing to Buffy."

Giles shoved his glasses back onto his face. "I always made time for the rest of you."

"Of course you did," Willow hurried to say. "You were big with the support." She gave Xander a fierce look. He hadn't seen the old confident Willow around for a while now, and Xander wasn't sure how he felt about that.

"Being fair isn't exactly his strong suit," Xander blurted before his good judgment could cut off his mouth.

Willow's eyes got large. "Yes it is. It totally is. He's fair squared, not that he's square, because he's not. Xander, you need to be nice."

"And hey, nice isn't my strong suit."

"Nice is overrated, pet. You're a right treat in bed, and a great da."

Buffy threw her hands up. "Okay, too much information. I really don't want to know about you and sex."

"I second that," Riley added with a disgusted expression.

"Oi, there's nothing wrong with two blokes in a bed."

Riley's expression didn't change. "I don't have a problem with two men, but I don't want to think about Spike and sex."

"You didn't seem to have minded when you used to go to the suckhouse." Buffy said quietly, even so, her words made the whole room fall absolutely silent. Even Spike. Xander thought he'd be jumping right in there with the Riley hate, but he was utterly still.

Xander looked around at the group that had gathered in the room. "We all screw up, Buff. I'm an expert at it."

"You never screwed up that bad," she said, her gaze going everywhere except to Riley, who had turned gray.

"Hey, I slept with Faith and nearly got strangled to death because I was an idiot, and then there's the whole lying about Willow trying to resoul Angel, and I went along on the plan to pull you out of heaven, so I'm saying that I've screwed up way more than Riley. And while we aren't going into Spike's many horrible, failed plans, we all know about them."

"I wasn't that bad," Spike complained, but he did it softly enough that Xander could tell he wasn't actually disagreeing. Xander reached up and rested his hand against Spike's knee.

"You kinda were, but hey, you're a master of planning compared to Willow, so don't feel bad."

"I… but… Xander!" Willow blurted out.

"The spell had the Sumerian word for 'avatar,' and you thought could bring Buffy back with a dead deer. Willow, that's something stupid like I would do."

Willow turned white, and now Buffy was turning red. Xander sucked in a breath. What the hell was wrong with him? He so totally should not be saying any of this, not when he had broken ribs, at least.

"We all have done our best," Tara offered softly.

"Indeed we have," Giles agreed, nodding furiously. He wanted the fight over, too.

"And Willow has contributed more to this group than anyone," Buffy said, but her glare pinned Xander to the wall, so he was guessing she meant that Willow contributed more than he had.

"Way more than me, obviously," Xander said with a shrug. It was the truth. "But I know my weaknesses, and maybe I'm alone in thinking that she's going to make the same mistake again if she doesn't learn to admit her weaknesses."

Willow had been sitting on the bed next to Tara, but now she stood up and took a step closer to Xander. "You think I'd kill again? I made a mistake. You murdered Warren."

"Yes, I did," Xander agreed. "And I'm still saying that I did the right thing because he was a raping, murdering bad guy who was chasing us, and I'm okay with defending family."

"He was a human," Buffy said.

"Good lord. I'm in hell and trapped in this same conversation for eternity." Giles walked over to the second hospital bed and dropped down onto it, laying sideways on the bed with his feet still on the floor.

"Did you know that Warren had killed three people to summon a demon from hell just to kill you?" Riley demanded.

Buffy turned on him. "How would you know?"

"Because I arrested Andrew Wells for attacking me. He lasted less than four minutes in cuffs before he started confessing to everything. If you had allowed us to come into town, if you'd told me that you were having a problem with a human, I could have set up surveillance and taken care of the problem before Warren murdered people, before Xander was forced into a justified kill. Instead, you only call me when you want me help with Spike." Riley waved an arm in Spike's general direction, and Spike flipped him off with two fingers.

"Because you were so much help the last time you were here?" Buffy asked.

"Actually, he was a help," Xander said. "He made you happy. Well, until you two started questioning your relationship and getting weird, anyway. But there was happiness, and you haven't had enough happiness, Buff."

"Yes, let's now all whinge about our social lives, shall we?" Giles asked without moving off the bed.

"It frightens me how alone you are, Buffy," Tara said softly.

"Buffy's not alone; she has us," Willow insisted. "We're a family."

"A dysfunctional family, but a family. And as the idiot brother of our little family, I'm going to say this only once. Something is seriously screwing with our heads and making us all say stupid shit that we should not be saying… or thinking."

"Yes, and it's time for it to stop," Tara said. She threw a powder up into the air and called out a word. Xander felt a shockwave go through the room, nearly shoving Spike off the arm of the chair. "Enough is enough," she said as she crossed her arms and stared at Vovka.

He nodded. "That was a stronger reaction than I expected."

"What? He put a whammy on us?" Buffy's fists clenched, and Riley's hands flexed like he wanted to make a fist, but maybe he knew that would really not be big with the helping right now because he didn't.

"Inhibition spell?" Spike asked. And oddly, he didn't seem very damn upset about Vovka being all spelly.

Tara nodded. "It reduced everyone's inhibitions and allowed them to let their true natures out."

Willow turned tragic eyes toward Xander. "And your true nature thinks my true nature is to blame for the spell?" Her eyes glistened.

Xander cringed. "Honestly? Yes. Willow, there are tons of things you're really, really good at. I mean, you understand science and computers and which demon bits fell of which demon, and demon forensics is really not exactly a booming science. You're great with the magic and the school work and the begging. You're really good at begging, but there are some things you really just aren't good at, like reading Sumerian. And it scares me that one is that you're not good at recognizing what you're not good at."

"Xander, enough," Buffy said wearily.

"Let him finish," Tara said softly. Buffy turned to look at her with surprise. "Please," Tara added. "Xander, what do you think Willow's not good at?"

Xander looked at his best friend, the girl who had cried because she broke a crayon and in her five-year-old brain, that was an unforgivable sin. "Do you remember that yellow crayon?" Xander asked. "When we first met, you had broken a crayon, and you were crying and I had to offer you my crayon because it was like the worst thing in the world to you. Do you remember?"

Willow didn't answer, but she nodded-her lower lip still caught between her teeth.

"That's you, Willow. When you make a mistake, you think it's the worst thing in the world. And instead of dealing with your mistakes, you hide them or magic them away or just don't admit to making them at all." Xander looked at Tara, and suddenly he could see that Tara really was just Willow's new yellow crayon. Willow was so convinced that if she made a mistake that no one would forgive her. Growing up, Xander always thought Willow's parents were the good ones, always hovering over her and pushing her to do her best. Right now, he was starting to think his parents might have gotten one or two things right. He couldn't imagine living in Willow's brain, always afraid of making a mistake. "We're going to love you even if you break every yellow crayon in the world, but you don't seem to believe that, so you act like you never screw up, Willow. That scares the shit out of me."

"We could have asked someone for help with the Sumerian," Tara said softly. "I thought it was a d-d-difficult dia… dia… dialect," Tara finally stuttered out, "but you said you understood, and I wanted to be…be…believe you could do anything. I thought I couldn't do anything, and I wanted to believe you could do anything."

Willow's eyes got big as she looked at Tara. "But… you can do all sorts of things. You're way better than I am at tracking spells and auras and you know all these potions that I wouldn't even dream of trying." Reaching out, Willow caught Tara's hands and held them tight.

"I am good at some things, and I'm not good at others, just the same as you," Tara said softly.

"You're really good with bringing the magical kick-ass to the party," Xander offered with a smile. "Only maybe you should just admit that you aren't always the best at…" Xander stopped, not sure how to say it.

"Reading Sumerian?" Willow guessed with a twist to her mouth.

"Yeah," Xander agreed. "I mean, you wouldn't let me go in on the front lines of any fight, and you wouldn't let Spike make the plan…"

"Oi!"

"… and maybe you shouldn't be the one to read Sumerian. Ever. And it's okay to admit that you're really not good at Sumerian."

Willow nodded. "I do know."

"And you know we're not really talking about Sumerian?" Xander asked hopefully.

Willow gave him one of her patented looks-one that meant he'd just given a teacher a particularly stupid answer. "Yes, Xander, I know we aren't really talking about Sumerian."

Spike made a little huffing noise. "My plans are not that bad. I'm a master vampire-I've taken two slayers."

Xander smiled at Spike. "I love you dearly, but your plans suck hairy monkey balls."

"Xander!" Willow gasped.

"Actually, I think that's the technical term for how well Spike's plans go," Buffy said with a smile.

"You lot just… you never followed the rules is all. I would have killed Buffy the first time I met her if her mum hadn't gotten involved."

"Go, Mom," Buffy said with a sad smile. Spike pursed his lips, his own expression turning sad.

Xander poked Spike in the side. "Besides, you're still the idiot who thinks he can kill himself and close the hole we ripped in the universe, and that is one dumb idea."

In a split second, Spike went from sad to frustrated. "Fucking hell, people. Two different sources told us that evil had to make a sacrifice for good in order to close the hole. Do you see any other evil masterminds who might be willing to sacrifice for the good of others? I'm the only one that fits that description."

"But sacrifice means you give up something that means a lot to you, and every time this subject comes up, you act like you're already tied to the sacrificial fire. You're not sacrificing anything… it's like you're just laying down and saying that you'll take your lumps from the town bully. That's not sacrifice as much as just giving up."

Spike's whole body was stiff with emotion. Yellow bled in along the edges of his blue eyes and his one foot shook like the energy was just slipping out of Spike without permission. Slowly, Spike reached up and rested his palm against Xander's cheek. "You're the most important thing in my life, luv. Giving you up, dying before I've spent every minute with you that I can, that would be the sacrifice."

Xander was caught in Spike's gaze, lost in the love and the despair he could see. "But if you get yourself killed, you're not going to lose me because I will find a way to follow you. Not kidding, Spike."

Spike didn't have an answer for that and the room fell silent again.

"Can we talk about Magic Mike doing a spell on us?" Buffy asked. "I seem to remember that I said Spike could eat him if he tried anything."

"I did warn you that I planned to try a spell to bring out any of Xander's qualities, and your witch did stop the spell the second she chose," Vovka defended himself with his hands raised, but Xander wasn't sure that having a hand-waving magician raise his hands really meant surrender.

"So you just started a fight for no reason? Riley, I want you and your men out of town," Buffy said firmly.

"I had a reason," Vovka said, stepping forward and forcing Buffy's attention back on him.

"To prove Xander didn't have magical powers?" Buffy demanded.

"To prove he did. He's a soothsayer."