The Cost of Butterfly Kisses

[lit_gal]

The  Cost of Butterfly Kisses, Part 41
Fandom/Pairing: BtVS, Spike/Xander
Rated: ADULT

So, is anyone else missing Bonnie?  Xander's daughter is in the middle of a war zone, and after the fight with Caleb, Xander is starting to realize just how big this fight is going to be.

( Chapter One... )  ( Chapter Two... ) ( Chapter 14 . )


Spike snarled as a human stopped too near the door. "It's me," Finn said as he pushed the door open. The soldier boys had claimed a fair chunk of the hospital and brought their own doctors in, but Spike would cut off his arm before thanking the people who'd tortured him to get their rocks off. Those scientists and soldiers might have claimed some sort of higher purpose, but Spike could smell sadistic pleasure as well as the next bloke. When they'd strapped him down to the table and taken needles and knives to him, they'd bloody enjoyed it.

"That doesn't make me feel any better," Spike said as he shifted so that he was between Finn and Xander.

"How is he?" Finn asked.

Spike took his time answering. He hated thinking about how fragile humans could be, and Xander's injuries just reminded him of that. "Doc says he's beat up bad," he finally answered.

"His hearing was damaged from the gunfire. He may have some permanent loss. That seemed better than permanent death." Finn came in the room. "Medical personnel are hoping I can bribe you into leaving long enough for them to check on him." Finn offered Spike a large container of blood.

"I remember that trick, mate. Drugging the blood supply won't work."

Finn's mouth came open and then he snapped it shut again. "It's not drugged. I just thought you probably needed to heal the wounds you suffered."

Spike snorted. The fact was that he needed a whole lot of blood and sleep, but he didn't feel safe enough to indulge in either.

"He wouldn't leave you," Finn commented. Walking over to the far side of the bed, he put the blood down on the side table, and Spike could feel an urge to throw himself between Xander and Finn, even if the soldier was Xander's friend.

"Even more surprising, you wouldn't leave him… him or Buffy."

"If you have something to say, you say it," Spike suggested darkly.

Finn looked down at Xander's pale face. He had broken ribs, a dislocated shoulder, a ripped tendon in his elbow and a concussion. The boy looked like one of Angelus' victims. "I'm just offering a truce, Spike."

Spike narrowed his eyes. Finn never called him by his name. Finn looked away from Xander and at Spike. "I need allies right now. Buffy's mad as hell that I interfered and with Xander out cold, I'm fighting a losing battle with her. She never would listen to me."

"She doesn't listen to anyone, mate," Spike said. "She's more about giving orders."

Finn dropped into the visitor's chair on his side of the hospital bed. "But in the past, she always gave reasonable orders, Spike. What the hell is going on? Buffy won't listen to Giles. You're providing the voice of reason. Buffy is being irrationally aggressive, and I have a dozen teenage girls who need therapy. What the hell is going on?"

"The others okay?"

It took a minute before Riley answered. "Molly is still in surgery, but it looks good. Heather Goodman is dead, Giles has a concussion, Tara is fine and Willow is having some sort of magical breakdown. Apparently she channeled too much magic. I also have trauma counselors with the surviving potentials."

Spike nodded. "Tara staying with Red?"

"Yeah."

"She was throwing some dark magics around in there, and she has some history with abusing magic." Spike wasn't ready to trust Finn with Buffy's or Xander's lives, but if Finn could deal with some of the peripheral damage, that would take pressure off Xander when he did wake up. Spike sniffed and tilted his head.

"What is it?" Finn's hand dropped to his sidearm.

"He's waking," Spike said.

Finn relaxed. "I should get a doctor in here."

"Be better if you could get Tara in here with some potions."

Finn shifted uncomfortably, and Spike gave a growl. "If you're hiding something…"

"No," Finn held his hands up. "I told you Willow is having some magical withdrawal. She's irrational and she keeps confessing to murder and saying that she's ending the world. Tara's dealing with the toads, snakes, cockroaches and slime that keeps spontaneously appearing."

"Bloody hell, we don't have time for this rot," Spike sighed. "Should ship her somewhere so she can self-flagellate to her heart's content."

"I considered that, but then I'm not going to try and move anyone who doesn't want to be moved," Finn said. Spike looked up, searching for some sign that Finn was playing nice to get something, but the soldier didn't smell of deceit. Xander groaned and one eye cracked open.

"Luv, can you hear me?" Spike asked, bending down over Xander's face. Xander's expression twisted with confusion.

"Someone…." He coughed as his voice failed, and Spike brought an ice cube up to his lips, letting Xander suck it into his mouth.

"You'll be right as rain, pet. You just got a little more bent around the edges than usual."

Xander's eyes were tracking; he looked over at Riley, and that brought both his eyes wide open.

"Jig's up, pet. Buffy knows we called in the soldier boys," Spike said. Xander groaned loudly.

"Actually," Finn interrupted, "she doesn't. I told her that I started keeping a closer eye on Sunnydale after she called and wanted the chip deactivated." Finn shrugged. "That's technically true."

Xander closed his eyes. "Thank you," he whispered, his voice rough and strained.

"Hey, I owe you one or two. So, how's the headache? I have some docs who would love to see you, but Spike is scaring the piss out of them."

"Docs?" Xander seemed to look down at his own body. "How bad?"

Spike answered before Finn could. "Ya got the snot beat out of you."

"The others?"

"Mostly right as rain," Spike said, stretching the truth a bit. "It sounds like Willow's a right mess after throwing her mojo around, but we're all still alive… or unalive." Spike sat on the edge of the hospital bed and propped one leg up.

Finn sighed. "I'll have the doctor come in. Spike-" Finn just looked over, and Spike narrowed his eyes, daring the soldier boy to say anything. Sighing again, Finn shook his head. "Just don't eat him. In fact, try to not growl loudly."

"As long as he doesn't hurt Xander, we won't have a problem."

"That won't be a problem, not with Xander being one giant bruise. They do have to touch Xander, you know," Finn said. The boy was growing some balls, and a little sarcastic edge. Before Spike could answer, Finn was out of the room.

"He's right, you know," Xander said. "I'm pretty sure that breathing on me hard is going to hurt me."

"Good thing I don't breathe."

"Oh please, you're always breathing."

"Oi, am not."

"Totally are."

"Not."

"Am."

"Not."

"Well, it's good to see some things don't change." Spike looked over at Buffy, who was standing in the door.

"I don't bloody breathe," he defended himself. Buffy smiled, and Spike could feel the warm satisfaction of giving her a moment of joy.

"Right. Of course not," she agreed. Her smile faded quickly, though. "There's someone here to see you." She pushed the door open and Bonnie darted past her.

"Daddy!"

"Bonnie!" Xander called out, his voice nearly cracked with the strain of trying to sound normal. Bonnie threw herself over Spike's legs to hug her father, and Spike could hear the pained whine out of Xander.

"Daddy?" Bonnie leaned back and studied her father.

"He sailed right into the middle of a battle, and he came out the other end. He's just a little worse for the wear, poppet," Spike said.

Bonnie's cheeks darkened. She wasn't the cherub-faced child of two years ago. Already, her demon blood was starting to show along with the first signs of puberty, but when her cheeks darkened, Spike couldn't help but remember that little girl laying in a hospital bed saying goodbye to her mother. She had that same stricken expression now.

"Hey, I'm fine," Xander said.

"Halvard's family's leaving. They want to take Dawn somewhere safe," Bonnie blurted out. "They're scared that everyone is going to get sucked into hell and anyone with too much human blood will end up getting eaten."

Xander's face about fell open at that confession, but Spike wasn't surprised that she'd heard as much. Bonnie was a bit like her father-she stayed to the side and that meant that people didn't always notice her.

"They what?" Buffy demanded. "They're not taking Dawn anywhere."

"So, we'll take the bit into battle when we go up against the preacher man again?" Spike asked. "Or will we leave her behind without anyone ta defend her?"

"The house has protection," Buffy said, but even as she said it, Spike could see that she was starting to think about just how the battle had changed. They'd thrown everything they had at the enemy, and the bloody arsehole hadn't even blinked. "There's a way to take him down," Buffy said firmly.

"There always is, luv," Spike agreed.

"Hey, we can totally take him out. I had him on the ropes there at the end. Quaking in his preacherly boots," Xander said, but his joke fell flat. Spike could still see the preacher reaching out to rip Xander's eyes from his head. Reaching up, Spike smoothed a few curls away from Xander's face, and Xander looked at him oddly.

Pushing that fear aside, Spike called out. "Oi, Clem, stop hovering in the bloody hall."

Clem stuck his head around the corner. "Hey you guys," Clem said. He inched into the room and settled himself with his back against the wall. "Is it just me or are there a lot of really scary people around lately?"

"They're okay," Buffy said. "Pushy and sticking their noses in when they shouldn't, but okay."

"Buff," Xander said. "I hate to say this, but I think they're sticking their noses in when they should."

Buffy crossed her arms, and Spike rolled his eyes. Why the bloody hell had he ever thought the boy was submissive? Oh yeah, because he'd walked around showing his belly like a new-born fledge begging for mercy. The problem was the second you tried to poke that belly, the boy rolled over and showed his spines like a little porcupine. "Excuse me?" Buffy demanded.

"Think about it," Xander said, "Let's say that this vampire, I don't know, had sex with another vampire and they had a mystical child, and that started all this end of world fun, and they didn't even tell you. So, you're home watching Oprah and all of a sudden, poof, the world ends. One second, you're watching some guy who weights seven hundred pounds, and the next, demons are taking over the world and Dawn is at school, only demons rushed the school for all those young, tasty morsels and you never even had a chance. Maybe it's just me, but I think the schmuck who would do that is pretty much… well… a schmuck. A huge schmuck. Enormous even."

"I get it," Buffy interrupted. "Sure, Angel should have told us-"

"And we should have told Riley," Xander finished.

Buffy narrowed her eyes. "It's not the same."

"Um… kinda is. He's a fighter of things that go bump; we're fighters that things that go bump… or you are. I’m sort of the fixer of things after the fighters of things get finished wrecking things."

"Xander," Buffy said, exasperated.

"He should have a chance to fight for his world. You're the slayer, Buffy. You'll always be the slayer, but you're not the only fighter in the world, and you're not the one who has to fix everything, and seriously you're starting to freak me out a little because Riley saved our asses, and you're making it sound like he crashed a sleepover and led a panty raid."

Spike could see the words hit Buffy, making her question her reality, which was more than Spike had ever managed. Oh, he'd tried. He'd bloody tried to reach her soul, to show her just how he saw her, but she'd always pushed him away. But now Xander's words sank into her, and her mood shifted.

Someone laid on a horn down in the street, and Clem moved to the window and lifted just the edge of the blinds. "It looks like lots of people are leaving town. Can you believe all this mishegaas?"

"Yeah. You'd think these people had never seen an apocalypse before." Buffy tried to smile, but Xander's words had sunk in too deep.

"It's getting bad here. Really bad. Hellmouth acting up again, people feeling it, getting crazier. You can't swing a cat without hitting some kind of demonic activity. Not that I swing cats, or eat-" Panic flashed across his face. "Nope. No cats. Cuttin' way back. Cholesterol-morals. I mean, morals." He cringed.

"I am not even going to think about that, and I really hope you never mention your cat habit around Willow. She'll bury you in PETA brochures, and Willow on a quest for the oppressed is never pretty."

"Actually…" Clem cleared his throat. "We've seen some bad stuff in this town before but, you know, this time, it's like it just seems different, more powerful. I don't think anyone's gonna be able to stop it." Clem looked over, and Spike could smell the resignation rising from Xander. He just didn't know if Xander was resigned to losing another ally or if he was starting to suspect that Clem might be right. Clem looked over and caught Buffy's eye. "I mean," he hurried to say, "I'm sure you'll do fine. Complete confidence in you. Hey. Uh, if anyone can do it, you can, because you...rock! If you save the world, I'll come back, we'll have drinks. When. When, I mean. When you save the world. It's gonna be great with all the... rocking." He stopped, his expression showing his horror. Spike was starting to think Clem and Xander were related.

"Appreciate you letting us know you're leaving," Spike said.

Clem ducked his head. "Maybe... maybe all of you should just get out of town this time."

Again, there wasn't an answer, and Clem shifted nervously from foot to foot.

"You're leaving?" Bonnie asked in a soft voice. It occurred to Spike that Clem had raised her as much as any of them. More maybe. The girl had certainly picked up some of Clem's religious believes about hiding and running. For someone as small as her, they were good strategies.

"Well…" Clem looked up. "I thought I would offer to take Bonnie. I know my clan doesn't have portal spells like Halvard's folks, but we're in a dozen dimensions. We're really good at surviving, and I'm going to really hate it if we lose all the humanity in this world because I like human stuff, but I could hide her, teach her to hide herself."

Spike could feel his vampire visage slip free and fury ripped through him. He might have ripped Clem's head off right there, only Xander's hand found his arm and held him in place.

"Daddy, I want to stay with you," Bonnie said. Her cheeks ballooned up like little puffer fish.

"I know, honey." Xander kept one hand on Spike's arm, but he reached up and caught Bonnie in a hug pulling her down even though his breath grew ragged with pain. "I love you so much. You know I love you. You're my Bonnie, my good and smart girl."

Bonnie started softly crying. Spike grabbed Xander's arm, willing to bloody beg if the boy would just not say what he was thinking.

"Sweetie, you know how your mother left you?"

Bonnie's sobs grew louder.

"She knew she couldn't keep you safe. Now, I bet anything she tried her best to find a way to get back here or to make a safe place for you in the clan. I know she did because she loved you."

"I love you, Daddy. I'll be good. I'll be quiet so I don't ever get in the way." Fact was, she never did get in the way. Spike realized now that she'd been quiet as a mouse ever since the potentials had shown up, and suddenly he hated every single one of the potentials. He hated that she'd turned into a ghost in her own home because she was trying to stay out of their way.

"I know you'll be good. You're always so good. You're so brave-braver than I was at your age. But here's the thing. Your mother knew she might lose, and she didn't want you in danger."

"I won't be." Bonnie was wailing now, her hands tangling in Xander's hospital gown, and Xander's eyes were shining.

"You will, sweetie. And I don't want you in danger."

"Then come with me."

Xander looked at Spike, and Spike was about ready to tell him to fuck the world. Fuck the world and let it slide into a fucking hell hole. They could run. Spike knew a few blokes who owed him favors-big enough favors that they might be able to get free of this dimension.

"I can't, honey. I'm your dad, and I have to try and make a safe place for you. That's my job. I love you so much, and if I can, I have to give you the world."

"I want you, Daddy. It doesn't matter about the world."

Spike looked away, not willing to look at Bonnie. Buffy stood, her back against the wall and tears slipping free as she watched, and Spike hated that too. This was Xander's moment. Not hers. Not bloody hers.

"The world does matter, sweetie. You know that. And I've won all kinds of fights that no one thought I would win. Hey, Buffy beat a whole god, so one preacher isn't anything to her."

"Then let me stay." Bonnie burrowed closer, and Spike's soul ached.

"But if we lose, if I lose, I need to know that my beautiful girl is still out there. I need to know that." Xander arched his back and got his hand under her chin so he forced her to look at him. "I love you, and knowing you're safe is all that matters."

"That's all that matters to me, too. I want you safe." Bonnie's face was dangerously blotchy and her cheeks were bruise-purple.

"But that's not a parent's job. A parent has to be the one to fight. That's my job, sweetie. And I promise you, I will do my best to win. I want my Bonnie-girl back. I want you back so much." Xander let go of her chin and grabbed her in both arms, holding tightly as his tears finally came. "I love you so much."

"I'll rip the First right out of the world," Spike promised. He rested his hand on Bonnie's back, and her hand darted out and caught his coat, pulling him close.

"I love you. I want to stay with you."

"Hey," Spike said softly as he struggled against unfamiliar emotions that felt like they were crushing his chest, "what did I teach you about tactics. You find out what your weakness is and then you protect that weakness. You don't ever let the enemy see it. You remember that?" Spike blinked as he remembered teaching her to protect herself. Even before the soul, she'd owned some bit of him, and now his soul raged at the idea of sending her away. He knew Xander was right, but he didn't want to admit it. He wanted to snatch up his family and take them far away.

Bonnie hiccupped. "I remember."

Spike leaned close so the three of them pressed together in the narrow bed. "You're our weakness, poppet. Your da and I, we'd do anything for you."

That didn't stop the tears, but her hands uncurled from Xander's hospital gown and Spike's coat.

"I could come back later," Clem said quietly.

"No. No, you guys need to get out of town," Xander said, his voice shaking. "Your clan is okay with her coming?"

Clem shrugged. "They like her. They think you're too human though. I tried to see if they'd let you both come."

Xander shook his head. "I have a job to do. So keep her safe." Xander slowly let go of Bonnie. "Sweetie, promise me that you'll stay safe and happy."

She looked at him, chewing on her lip as she stared at him from eyes that seemed to have shrunk back into her face. Heavy ridges above her eyes had come out of nowhere. "I'll stay safe," she whispered.

Xander nodded. "Hey, why don't you let Buffy take you for a soda?"

Bonnie looked around. "You'll be here when I get back?"

"You bet," Xander said. His own eyes were looking a little less than human as they swelled. "I just want to have adult talk with Clem."

Tears were still rolling down her face, but she slid over Spike's legs and down the side of the hospital bed, going shyly to Buffy. Buffy solemnly offered her hand and the two of them headed out of the room.

Xander stared at the ceiling for a while, and Spike got off the bed and reached in his duster for his cigarettes. He wouldn't light one in here, but he needed to do something with his hands.

"Clem," Xander said, his voice carrying an awful calm, "you protect her or I will find you. I don't care if I'm dead, I will find you and I will make sure your life is both long and unimaginably horrific." Xander slowly shifted his gaze down to Clem.

"He lets the poppet get hurt, and you'll have to fight me for the right to torture him," Spike said as he gave Clem a yellow-eyed glare. Clem's ears stiffened and he backed up, right into the wall.

"I wouldn't ever-"

Xander interrupted. "And when we win, you bring her right back here. I don't care what is going on in your life, you bring my daughter home to me."

Clem straightened up. "I'll bring her back the second it's safe. Xander… Spike…" Clem looked from one of them to the other. "You're the first people to trust me with something really valuable, and I love her. I promise I'll protect her like one of my own spawn. I promise that."

Xander nodded. "Do, Clem. She's the most important thing in my life, so please protect her." With that, Xander's gaze drifted back to the ceiling and an awkward silence filling the air until Buffy came back with artificially bright chatter, her hand around Bonnie's shoulders. Bonnie was nearly up to Buffy's shoulders now, and Spike figured if this fight took too long, she'd be as tall as Buffy before she came back.

Bonnie was quiet now, only her shadowed eyes and bruise-colored face showing emotions that she seemed to have swallowed. Xander had swallowed his own emotions because he gave a synthetic smile and held out his arms. Bonnie came to him stiffly, but the second she reached her father, she sank into his embrace her fingers tangling in his gown. "You be a good girl," Xander whispered, "and as soon as it's safe, Clem is going to bring you right back here. We'll go back to the zoo, okay?"

"Promise?"

"I promise," Xander agreed. He let go of her, and Bonnie was slower to untangle herself. However, in the end, she obediently backed away. She looked over, and then she was running to Spike, careening into him, her arms going around him so tightly that he could feel her tremble. Spike snatched her off the floor, holding her as tight as he dared. He wanted…. He wanted too much. He wanted the world safe and Xander safe and Bonnie safe and Buffy safe. He wanted his family and his life. He wanted things that he could feel slide away from him. Bonnie hiccupped again, and Spike carefully put her back on her feet.

Bonnie gave him a sad smile and reached up to brush something off his cheek. Spike pulled back and wiped away a tear before he turned to the corner and fought against a surge of rage that left him trembling with an urge to rip someone apart.

"Hey, Bon-girl, I'll teach you to smell sewer exits," Clem said, and his tone suggested that he thought he was offering a treat. "We'll be back here before you know it."

Spike took a deep breath and turned to face the room again. Xander looked even more broken than ever, and Buffy… she looked empty. She'd thrown everything at the preacher, and she didn't have any bloody reserves left.

"You take care of yourself, okay?" Clem asked softly. "Bye." Clem and Bonnie headed into the hallway. "Oh man, you should hear the threats your father made. He can be seriously scary," Clem was saying in a tone of awe as he took Bonnie down the hall. Spike wondered if he'd see her again. The others might not be willing to see the truth, but two different sources had told them that evil had to make the ultimate sacrifice for the greater good, and Spike wasn't fool enough to misunderstand that. The others could deny all they wanted, but if Spike had to give his life to give Xander his daughter back, to give Buffy her strength back, he'd do it. He had to. He was love's bitch, and love wouldn't let him do anything else.

"I need to go talk to Dawn before Halvard's family leaves town," Buffy said quietly. "Xander, you're the strongest man I've ever known." Her voice was unsteady, but she gave Xander a small smile before she turned to head out of the room.

Without a word, Spike crawled into the bed next to Xander. For a second, they lay stiffly in the bed, and then the first sobs hit. Xander turned and grabbed Spike, pulling him close and hiding his face in Spike's shirt. Spike crooned softly and just rocked as Xander cried until his exhausted body fell into a fitful sleep.