CM fic; Morgan/Reid; All The Light I Need
Title: All The Light I Need
Author: listencl0sely
Rating: NC-17/FRAO
Characters/Pairings: Morgan/Reid
Warnings: Angst! Sad Spencer. Adult language. Sex.
Disclaimer: I own nothing. All characters are properity of Criminal Minds. I'm just playing with 'em :)
Summary: Reid doesn't know if he's cut out for the job anymore. Morgan knows that he is.
Beta: Thank you so much, dawn_breaks
Reid suddenly realizes that they’ve all been right. Every person who’s ever told him that he wasn’t cut out for this was right. All the people that said even though his large brain would help the job, his big heart would hurt it-were right.
He can’t do this anymore. He doesn’t want to do this anymore.
He wants to go back to the days when he saw the evil people, but never forgot about the good ones. Now though, all he sees is evil, hate and injustice, and it’s suffocating him.
He walks into coffee shops and profiles baristas depending on how they handle his cup and pass back his change. The ones that pass the coins first think less of him-maybe less of men in general. Maybe they were past victims of abuse. Maybe they were close to having a psychotic break.
He couldn’t do it anymore.
“Stop it, Morgan. I don’t want to hear it.” And he didn’t. He didn’t want to know that he’s helped saved lives of men, women and children. He doesn’t want to know about all the happy stories that have come out of their old files. Because for every good story, there are at least two bad ones-and while the good ones are good, the bad ones are really bad.
“No, Reid, you stop.” And now Morgan has two big hands wrapped around his biceps.
“Stop it, Morgan!” And he’s aware that he’s raising his voice to Morgan in a way he hasn’t ever before. “Stop treating me like I’m some- some porcelain doll that’s broken that you want to put back together! I’m not broken, Morgan, and I’m not weak! I just don't want this anymore!”
The look on Morgan’s face is a cross between disbelief and hurt, and Reid knows that 5 years ago, this look would have killed him. But tonight, he literally doesn’t care. He doesn’t feel bad that he’s hurt Morgan, because really-it was going to happen eventually anyway.
“You think that I think you’re weak?” Morgan asks, and Reid pushes against his chest to put some space between them. The push is harder than anything Reid has given before and that scares him at first, but he can’t make himself care. “You’re the strongest fucking person I know, Reid!”
The scoff leaves Reid’s lips before Morgan can even take a breath. “Right, I’m so sure that you think I’m strong!”
“I do! And I always have, thank you very fuckin’ much!” Morgan’s getting mad now, and Reid finds himself getting happy. He’s happy he can piss Morgan off and happy he knows how to walk away.
“Fuck you,” Reid spits out, and the look on Morgan’s face is shocking. Reid’s seen Morgan get slapped, punched and completely knocked out, and never did his face so quickly turn to shock and disgust as when those words left Reid’s lips.
“Fuck me, Reid? Fuck me?” The anger that’s seething out of Morgan should scare Reid. Physically, Morgan could and would dominate Reid in any fight or altercation. Reid wouldn’t stand a chance. But this anger, this fucking pain that was coursing through his veins gave him false bravado. He knows Morgan would never hurt him, but he also knows he crossed a line with Morgan some time ago. They never pushed each other this far, but now Reid couldn’t help but keep pushing. “Fuck you. You’re acting like a fucking coward!”
There’s a split second, a millisecond really, that Reid wants to drop to his knees and cry. He most certainly is not a coward. He’s faced things that he never even imagined in nightmares, and he’s survived. He is the farthest thing from a coward, and the thought that Morgan could even call him that sends a searing pain right into his chest.
But that doesn’t last long, because this Reid-- the Reid that’s he’s become-- doesn’t get upset. This Reid doesn’t care about pain and heartache, because if he did, it would eat him up and kill him.
He wants to say something, but he’s fucking shaking with anger and can’t even form a sentence or look at Morgan, let alone think like a normal person. So when Morgan’s body pushes him against a wall, hard, everything that’s swirling in his brain gets even more jumbled up, and all he can feel are lips and teeth in a searing kiss and two hands grabbing tightly and pressing bruises into his arms.
He pushes hard against Morgan, enough to place a couple feet of space between them, and Morgan draws his hands in the air. He’s letting Reid know that he’ll stop, that he’s not totally out of control… but his hands are shaking, he's breathing rapidly, and his eyes are wild.
He’s hanging on by a thread, and he’s so close to snapping… just like Reid.
And when that hits him-- it hits him hard and he can’t hold back the sob that he chokes out. Morgan doesn’t waste a second. He's back against Reid, pushing against him with all his weight, and Reid can feel the thick, hard line of his cock against his thigh. When he pushes hard back against him, he realizes that he's hard too, and he wonders when that happened.
The old Reid would have taken a moment and explained male sexuality, and the arousal that stems from endorphins and adrenaline. The new, jaded Reid really doesn't give a fuck and grinds himself hard against Morgan. They’re in the living room, backed up against the wall that leads to the hallway, and Reid senses the need to lay down somewhere before they end up knocking each other out.
He wraps a hand tight around Morgan's tie and pulls him towards their bedroom, but Morgan isn’t having any of that and takes two hands, places them under Reid's ass and lifts him up. Their kisses haven't let up, and they’re still hard and rough and Reid knows they’re both gonna have beard burn along their mouths and cheeks, but neither of them care.
By the time Morgan makes it to the bedroom, Reid's taken off his tie and his dress shirt and is working on the undershirt. Once Morgan sets him down, it takes them less than a minute to get completely naked and in the bed.
Reid lets Morgan press him down roughly into the bed, but manages to bite into the delicate tissue between Morgan's neck and shoulder, and revels in the moan it releases from Morgan. Morgan's hands are everywhere, grabbing his dick, grabbing his hair, pinching his nipples and all he wants is to tell Morgan to never, ever stop and continue this forever; because when Morgan does these things to him, he almost forgets about the hole that won't stop growing in his chest.
Morgan pushes two fingers into Reid's mouth, and moans when sucks and wets them. Reid knows what's coming; he knows that, soon enough, he'll be full of nothing but Morgan, and that should calm him, but all it does is make him even more aware of how empty he feels. He feels Morgan's fingers push behind his balls, and it already feels so good, but all he wants to do is to run.
He knows Morgan will make him feel good, make him forget about everything that's happened to each of them, but as soon as the sun rises tomorrow and they walk into Quantico, everything will be back. And Reid doesn't think he can handle that. He can't handle another dead mother, another molested child, another naive teenager, another grieving husband-- he can't look at Morgan, or at Hotch… Hell, he doesn't even think he can look in the mirror at himself because all he sees is this all consuming darkness and it terrifies him.
“I can’t, I can’t, I can’t,” Reid mumbles out between kisses, and it's only when he tastes salt that he realize he's crying. The electricity that was surging between them disappears in an instant, and suddenly it’s somber and sad, and that darkness that Reid's terrified of... is already consuming them.
Morgan stops and brings his and Reid’s hand above Reid’s head. Morgan's letting all his weight press into Reid’s body, and though he couldn’t take a deep breath if he tried, it feels like nothing but a blanket of protection. They’re both taking a moment to try to control this, control themselves.
Morgan lets their foreheads rest together, and Reid realizes that they’re completely the same then. Eye to eye, chest to chest, hip to hip. Reid can only see Morgan’s eyes when he focuses on them completely and it’s scary. It’s scary because, as stupid and philosophical as it sounds, Reid sees himself in Morgan’s eyes. He sees the fear and the pain and the scars that won’t ever, ever heal. When he sees tears brimming the corners of Morgan’s eyes, he lifts his chin up enough to press their lips together.
“When you give this up, when we give this up, it’s not going to be because we’re scared. It’s going to be because we have no more left to give. There are too many people that need us, Reid. Too many lives that we can save. You are forgetting about everything that’s good in this world.”
“You can’t make me want this, Morgan,” Reid whispers, and Morgan closes his eyes and Reid can feel his eyelashes flutter against his cheeks.
“You’re right. I can’t. I can't ever force you to stay. I wouldn’t even try, Spencer. But I also can’t lie to you. I can’t know that you’re running away. I know this shit gets scary, hell, it's fucking terrifying. But we can't run away from this, Pretty Boy. You can't just run away from the monsters, you have to fight them. If you just run away, they always come back," Morgan's whispering, but his words are screaming to Reid's mind and his heart. "I’m here, Reid. You can't run away... not when I'm here to save you from the monsters,” Morgan opens his eyes for the last part, “and not when I need you to save me from them.”
That snaps something in Reid, something that he didn’t even know was there. Every victim, every survivor, every case, everything he helped fix comes back full force and it feels like something bursts inside his chest, and he can finally breathe. He still feels like he's surrounded by darkness, but now he realizes that there's light surrounding him too. There's always light, and there always will be light. Even now, seeing Morgan's bright eyes shining with tears and emotion, he knows this is all the light he needs. He knows he could never give up while Morgan's light was still shining bright.
He kisses Morgan, really kisses him; kisses him thank you, kisses him sorry, kisses him for the past and kisses him for the future. They don’t need to say anything else, Reid knows. They know each other too well, they know the way the other works.
Morgan is kissing Reid slowly, letting his hands drop down to Reid’s sides to touch and feel and bring everything back. It doesn’t take either of them very long to get hard again, and Reid’s itching to feel Morgan inside him. Both of their bodies and minds are on edge and they need this; they need it to cleanse them of everything that surrounds them.
There’s lube and condoms in the bed, thank god, and before he knows it, Morgan has one finger stretching him, then two, then three, and Reid’s writhing and moaning and jacking Morgan’s cock with a tight grip until Morgan finally pulls it off with a groan. Morgan cock is pressing against his entrance, and Reid feels his body relax from head to toe for the first time all night. Morgan senses it, and presses slowly into him while placing light kisses all along Reid's face.
Morgan keeps a slow pace, letting himself slide all the way in and all the way out in time with Reid's deep breaths and moans. It doesn't take long before Reid feels himself getting close to the edge, and Morgan knows it too, because he wraps one tight hand around his cock and pulls in time with his thrusts. Three more thrusts and Reid's cumming all over Morgan's hand and his own stomach, and a few strokes later, Morgan does the same.
It's later, once Morgan cleans them both up and they relax back into bed, that Morgan reaches over to flip on the small lamp that sits on Reid's beside table. Reid hadn't realized the room was dark; it was dusk when they first stumbled in.
Now though, in all this darkness, Reid looks at Morgan and thinks about that darkness that he erased. Reid grabs his hand before it reaches the lamp and pulls it against his lips. Morgan raises an eyebrow as Reid kisses his knuckles, and brings the hand against his own.
"You're all the light I need."