I mean it takes a lot of energy for me to write an email, chat online, even do something like this, which is just posting a bunch of list prompts. I overthink whatever I'm posting, the wording of my comments-- even with familiar, friendly people like yourself. It's my default mode. How I grew up, I guess, walking on eggshells around what I say or do. The only person I've ever been completely open and unguarded with is my sister, and even she has difficulty getting me to lighten up sometimes. I've been told repeatedly that I'm too intense, that I take myself too seriously, and I've tried to be different, but I can't. That takes even more energy.
So, I've kind of resigned myself to being a very intense and strange person. I mean, that's not to say I don't laugh or have fun-- I do. Usually with some really strange and weird stuff that I can't even begin to explain. A good example of my oddity: a bunch of friends and I went to see Borat. I had to leave the theater early because I almost started crying. Yeah. As in intense sadness I can't see the humor of this something feels so wrong why is everyone laughing kind of crying. My friends were completely at a loss what to do with me.
I understand about it taking a lot of energy to do those things-- it's why there's so much space between emails for me. I like to collect my thoughts and be in the right mind-frame for it. (It's part of the reason why I'm always rejecting invitations to go out with friends. Sometimes I'm just not prepared mentally to be around people, you know?) Whenever I'm in the right mood, I go and write, which is why the email I'm still writing to you is so long. Throughout the weeks I just keep piling and piling a little bit every day and then end up having to delete half of it because it's just too much at once. But idk, this comment of yours gave me an idea and I want to try something so I'll be sending you an email later today addressing this and more. When I've woken up properly.
So, I've kind of resigned myself to being a very intense and strange person. I mean, that's not to say I don't laugh or have fun-- I do. Usually with some really strange and weird stuff that I can't even begin to explain. A good example of my oddity: a bunch of friends and I went to see Borat. I had to leave the theater early because I almost started crying. Yeah. As in intense sadness I can't see the humor of this something feels so wrong why is everyone laughing kind of crying. My friends were completely at a loss what to do with me.
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