(no subject)
i got down to 110 on spring break [finally!] and i was 112 on Sunday, but right now i'm probably 115 'cause i ate this huge bowl of mac & cheese [sick] right before bed and i woke up and my stomach was swollen up like a balloon and i had regained completely that nasty chin/neck-fat that i'd lost and had had a beautiful boned jawline. i have no self-control. it's like my body wants to continue to be a great jiggling mass of putrescence.
i walked into my room and saw my roommate, her tiny body sunken in to the mattress of her bed, hipbone jutting beautifully between pants and shirt, her gracefully delicate, tiny wrist moving to turn pages of a book. she never leaves the room; she never eats. maybe i should become antisocial and never have to have meals with people.
i told my boyfriend that i was upset about gaining weight. i'd been losing since i stopped eating meat. and now i'm back up again because of one single binge. he didn't seem to care or know what to think. i sometimes wish i were a guy so i could just eat normally and not have to worry about getting huge.
honestly, every calorie i put into my body shows up on my flesh immediately. it's sickening. it's not like food enters stomach, gets digested, and then adds to the size of my thighs. i eat one potato chip and suddenly my ribs are no longer visible. why does this happen?
i'm not eating until at least tomorrow at dinnertime. i'm going on a group trip over the weekend; i don't know how i'll avoid eating there. i'll just watch the other girls. they're all so tiny. each one of them weighs exactly 103 pounds. i'll sit at their table during meals. maybe if i pretend to be thin like them, it will happen to me too.
i walked into my room and saw my roommate, her tiny body sunken in to the mattress of her bed, hipbone jutting beautifully between pants and shirt, her gracefully delicate, tiny wrist moving to turn pages of a book. she never leaves the room; she never eats. maybe i should become antisocial and never have to have meals with people.
i told my boyfriend that i was upset about gaining weight. i'd been losing since i stopped eating meat. and now i'm back up again because of one single binge. he didn't seem to care or know what to think. i sometimes wish i were a guy so i could just eat normally and not have to worry about getting huge.
honestly, every calorie i put into my body shows up on my flesh immediately. it's sickening. it's not like food enters stomach, gets digested, and then adds to the size of my thighs. i eat one potato chip and suddenly my ribs are no longer visible. why does this happen?
i'm not eating until at least tomorrow at dinnertime. i'm going on a group trip over the weekend; i don't know how i'll avoid eating there. i'll just watch the other girls. they're all so tiny. each one of them weighs exactly 103 pounds. i'll sit at their table during meals. maybe if i pretend to be thin like them, it will happen to me too.