i'm the weakest person ever.
my stomach is the enemy.
i fast and fast, and ignore it. i fill it with water and nothing else and feel wonderful.
i can prepare food for others, chopping and boiling and stirring and not feel the slightest bit of hunger.
then, the minute a meal is placed in front of me, the stomach has the urge to devour it like a ravenous beast. it wants to suck in hundreds of calories all in a second's time. i eat slowly, taking small precarious bites with sips of water in between, but its desire to clean the plate and go back for more consumes me.
and after dinner, it won't stop. even though it's filled with water, it wants more. it wants to exceed the recommended daily amount of caloric intake as told to americans [who are all obese, consequently]. it consumes and consumes and swells until i look like a pregnant woman.
i go into the bathroom and hover above the commode, forcing my finger to the back of my throat and down as far as it can go, again and again. the stomach will not give up the food it's conquered from the kitchen. like holding the spoils from battle, the stomach will not willingly give to the porcelain god what tithe it deserves. as hard as i try to vomit, nothing comes out. the stomach wins again.
the stomach is an evil enemy. seeking self-satisfaction through my personal suffering. i was feeling so good, so thin, so on my way to skinniness at 6:00 pm today. at 10, that feeling was gone, completely gone.
i feel as though thanksgiving has just passed. even my wrists look fat.
i'm going to drink water and drink water until it all flushes out. and start over.
i fast and fast, and ignore it. i fill it with water and nothing else and feel wonderful.
i can prepare food for others, chopping and boiling and stirring and not feel the slightest bit of hunger.
then, the minute a meal is placed in front of me, the stomach has the urge to devour it like a ravenous beast. it wants to suck in hundreds of calories all in a second's time. i eat slowly, taking small precarious bites with sips of water in between, but its desire to clean the plate and go back for more consumes me.
and after dinner, it won't stop. even though it's filled with water, it wants more. it wants to exceed the recommended daily amount of caloric intake as told to americans [who are all obese, consequently]. it consumes and consumes and swells until i look like a pregnant woman.
i go into the bathroom and hover above the commode, forcing my finger to the back of my throat and down as far as it can go, again and again. the stomach will not give up the food it's conquered from the kitchen. like holding the spoils from battle, the stomach will not willingly give to the porcelain god what tithe it deserves. as hard as i try to vomit, nothing comes out. the stomach wins again.
the stomach is an evil enemy. seeking self-satisfaction through my personal suffering. i was feeling so good, so thin, so on my way to skinniness at 6:00 pm today. at 10, that feeling was gone, completely gone.
i feel as though thanksgiving has just passed. even my wrists look fat.
i'm going to drink water and drink water until it all flushes out. and start over.