(no subject)
Saturday night, my mom and I went to my grandma's for fondue. We also put up her Christmas tree. She repainted her basement bedroom, and I love it. And that room always reminds me of the video that came out of it, Battle, all in one night out of nowhere. It was never normal for me to finish a video in one sitting but that just spilled out of me and that was easily one of my most favorite Liss nights to exist. We went in her storage room to get the tree, we had to check her mouse traps while she waited outside because the little thing is terrified of mice. It was all clear. We got her tree and she slid down huge pieces of her old carpet that my sister and I wrote her love notes on. She had us over to destroy her carpet, markers and spilling. These are the moments I wish I had a journal for, because I had forgotten about it entirely and probably always would have forgotten about it had she not shown me those. I wonder what else I've lost. The Wizard of Oz came on TV, I curled under a blanket that my great-grandmother crocheted, and everything was okay, the unique brand of sweet innocence and blissful perfection that only that film can bring.
- & -
Yesterday, Jason called while I was cleaning out my closet. "Wait, who is this?" he said when I answered the phone. "It's me." "Oh, your voice sounded different." I told him I was sorry, I was just freaking out. He asked what was wrong and I told him I couldn't tell him because I'd start crying and then I did and it was a mess. My call-waiting beeped and it was Tony. He had called on Saturday and asked, "Can I see you tomorrow?" I said yes. He had a baby shower to go to but he said he'd call at 2 when he left. So when 2:45 rolled around, I resigned myself to the fact that he'd gotten busy or something and freed my emotions up to get all involved with the goddamn closet. So when he DID call, I didn't really want to take it because I didn't want to go out anymore. But I answered anyway. [[ "What are you doing?" I'm cleaning out my closet. "Can I help?" No. "I'm coming over." Are you serious?! "Yeah." No! I look like shit, don't you dare! "You always look pretty, I'll be there in 10 minutes." Fuck you! No! ]] I got dressed anyway because I know him - he's coming over. Most people would take my yelling seriously but I knew it didn't faze him and sure as shit my doorbell rang in 10 minutes. I opened the door. "I don't appreciate this ambush. I hate you." He looked really nice. We're just friends, we're all just friends here but I can't help but wonder if I should be taking some of them as more than that, I can't help but wonder if I'll grow up to regret not grabbing them tighter. It's fine now while everyone's single but what happens when they get girlfriends and I know that someone else is laughing and making pizza with them at 3 in the morning where I used to be. When I know that someone else is their date to film premieres, that someone else is the one they call first when they get a spontaneous art idea. That someone else gets their great hugs and kisses on the head, that someone else gets tucked in with an, "You all set there, kid?" before they fall asleep on the couch together all warm and easy. I don't know, I don't know if I'll be okay with that. Even if we were okay with those things, I know their girlfriends or my boyfriends wouldn't be. Why can't everyone just stay single and young and free? My hope is that since we're all so artistic, we can keep that longer than most.
We went for drinks, the waiter brought us to my favorite table in the place, the one with the Wizard of Oz poster. "Is this okay?" You have no idea. "Ah, the Wizard of Oz. It was just on TV you know!" We ordered pomegranate margaritas and discussed film projects and told cop stories, laughed our asses off. This kid is by far one of the most entertaining, confident, funny, and free people I've ever met and that is SO refreshing to be around. He reassures me that I've got a pulse, that we're young, that life can be conquered and owned. He asked if I'd go help him pick out a new shirt. We talked on the way there about some new camera mount he just bought for his car. When we parked he had to tell me how it all worked, swing open doors to demonstrate all of the different shots it'd facilitate. He hugged me for no reason, "I just love you!", picked me up so my feet came up behind me. He got a shirt and we walked past baby clothes. "Do you want kids?" he asked. I said yes and it surprised him. I don't know why it surprises people that I like kids and that I happen to be really good with them. Probably because I'm so brash, I don't know. He said he couldn't wait to have kids. He'd be such a fun dad. He dropped me off because he had to go have dinner with Adam and that sucked. I just feel like if you're back here, you should spend that time with the friends who actually live here. Adam is your ROOMMATE in California - you get to see him ALL the time, I never get to see you. It's like, why bother coming home if it's just going to be Adam-Adam-Adam. I'd be fine but this is not the first time this has happened. I'm done ranting, I'm glad I got to see him at all, but. I got my camera out of his trunk and he got out to hug me goodbye and kiss me on the cheek, yelling "write me something!" as I scampered up my snow-ridden driveway and I love that I'm growing up to have friends like this.
- & -
I got the entire Sex and the City series the other day when Target was having it's amazing sale of $10/season. My mom and I have spent all of today watching them and I do not regret this decision. Laying around in our underwear as the pseudo rain-snow fell outside, popcorn in the afternoon, pizza and cake at night, these are the simple days I hope I can still feel when I'm older.
- & -
Yesterday, Jason called while I was cleaning out my closet. "Wait, who is this?" he said when I answered the phone. "It's me." "Oh, your voice sounded different." I told him I was sorry, I was just freaking out. He asked what was wrong and I told him I couldn't tell him because I'd start crying and then I did and it was a mess. My call-waiting beeped and it was Tony. He had called on Saturday and asked, "Can I see you tomorrow?" I said yes. He had a baby shower to go to but he said he'd call at 2 when he left. So when 2:45 rolled around, I resigned myself to the fact that he'd gotten busy or something and freed my emotions up to get all involved with the goddamn closet. So when he DID call, I didn't really want to take it because I didn't want to go out anymore. But I answered anyway. [[ "What are you doing?" I'm cleaning out my closet. "Can I help?" No. "I'm coming over." Are you serious?! "Yeah." No! I look like shit, don't you dare! "You always look pretty, I'll be there in 10 minutes." Fuck you! No! ]] I got dressed anyway because I know him - he's coming over. Most people would take my yelling seriously but I knew it didn't faze him and sure as shit my doorbell rang in 10 minutes. I opened the door. "I don't appreciate this ambush. I hate you." He looked really nice. We're just friends, we're all just friends here but I can't help but wonder if I should be taking some of them as more than that, I can't help but wonder if I'll grow up to regret not grabbing them tighter. It's fine now while everyone's single but what happens when they get girlfriends and I know that someone else is laughing and making pizza with them at 3 in the morning where I used to be. When I know that someone else is their date to film premieres, that someone else is the one they call first when they get a spontaneous art idea. That someone else gets their great hugs and kisses on the head, that someone else gets tucked in with an, "You all set there, kid?" before they fall asleep on the couch together all warm and easy. I don't know, I don't know if I'll be okay with that. Even if we were okay with those things, I know their girlfriends or my boyfriends wouldn't be. Why can't everyone just stay single and young and free? My hope is that since we're all so artistic, we can keep that longer than most.
We went for drinks, the waiter brought us to my favorite table in the place, the one with the Wizard of Oz poster. "Is this okay?" You have no idea. "Ah, the Wizard of Oz. It was just on TV you know!" We ordered pomegranate margaritas and discussed film projects and told cop stories, laughed our asses off. This kid is by far one of the most entertaining, confident, funny, and free people I've ever met and that is SO refreshing to be around. He reassures me that I've got a pulse, that we're young, that life can be conquered and owned. He asked if I'd go help him pick out a new shirt. We talked on the way there about some new camera mount he just bought for his car. When we parked he had to tell me how it all worked, swing open doors to demonstrate all of the different shots it'd facilitate. He hugged me for no reason, "I just love you!", picked me up so my feet came up behind me. He got a shirt and we walked past baby clothes. "Do you want kids?" he asked. I said yes and it surprised him. I don't know why it surprises people that I like kids and that I happen to be really good with them. Probably because I'm so brash, I don't know. He said he couldn't wait to have kids. He'd be such a fun dad. He dropped me off because he had to go have dinner with Adam and that sucked. I just feel like if you're back here, you should spend that time with the friends who actually live here. Adam is your ROOMMATE in California - you get to see him ALL the time, I never get to see you. It's like, why bother coming home if it's just going to be Adam-Adam-Adam. I'd be fine but this is not the first time this has happened. I'm done ranting, I'm glad I got to see him at all, but. I got my camera out of his trunk and he got out to hug me goodbye and kiss me on the cheek, yelling "write me something!" as I scampered up my snow-ridden driveway and I love that I'm growing up to have friends like this.
- & -
I got the entire Sex and the City series the other day when Target was having it's amazing sale of $10/season. My mom and I have spent all of today watching them and I do not regret this decision. Laying around in our underwear as the pseudo rain-snow fell outside, popcorn in the afternoon, pizza and cake at night, these are the simple days I hope I can still feel when I'm older.