"Come and take flowers. Until they're *gone*." <3
Monday, I got up at like 5 in the afternoon, and I was on the phone with Jason and IDR why but we were talking about something that caused me to mention that I don't cook. He said he knew how to cook one thing really well, chicken stir fry, and asked me if he could come over and make it for me. Which was so fucking nice because I never get awesome cooked shit anymore since, as mentioned, I DON'T COOK. So he brought all the shit over and we cooked to Brandon Flowers and David Gray in my clean kitchen, oh my god it was SO much fun. I GOT TO CUT UP COLORFUL THINGS. AND IT WAS SO GOOD, IT BLEW MY MIND HOW MUCH I LIKED IT. EVEN THE PEPPERS AND THINGS. WHOA. He also brought over MOAR VANILLACUDDY. So we drank that and played Nintendo until for some reason, someone brought up Twilight so we watched New Moon totally drunk and I kept having to pause it because I was going to throw up. Seriously.
Tuesday, my sister and I had to go to a wake. My last great-grandmother passed away. :( ♥ It's okay, I'm okay, we knew it was coming, but. What are your thoughts on wakes/funerals? Open caskets kind of freak me out, not because I have an issue with death in general but because I am such a visual person and I don't want that image of people I love burned into my brain. It doesn't bring me closure~ or anything. My dad's side of the family is really fun though, everyone has a great sense of humor and is really quirky and interesting. Like his mom, I know I've talked about it before but her house, you guys, it kills me. Art fucking EVERYWHERE. She is SUCH an artist, she does everything and I saw this new thing on her table - sepia photos of a fence and then lines in the snow, pressed onto crinkly greenish paper and in a wooden frame - and I knew that I got so much of my creativity from her. We have different taste in aesthetics but the way we clutter and fill our lives with color and make art out of random things we find is totally the same. We went over to her house after the wake, ordered pizza and watched The Office and Family Guy which was hilarious because we all just died laughing, my dad almost shot his drink out of his nose.
The funeral was yesterday. I'm more okay with funerals than most people, I think. I was telling cabaretlights that I know there's a sad reason for it but there's so much love there, you can look around and be almost positive that everyone you see is feeling something huge. Half the time I go places and look around and am not really sure. I love people reminiscing and telling stories, and I love always learning something new about the person that I didn't know before. My sister flew to Vegas so I had to show up on my own since my dad had to be there early. I walked in by myself and instantly, my little second/third/IDK cousins came running to the door, they each took one of my hands. Four and six years old, these energetic little blondies. "Were you playing with me at 4th of July?!?!" one of them asked. ♥ They started the ceremony and they didn't leave, they were so well-behaved, just standing there holding my hands. "LOL, if they start bugging you, let us know," their parents said. Are you kidding?! The funeral was really nice. The hardest part of it was seeing my dad upset. He was trying to act like he wasn't. He had said on the phone that it just brought him back to when his dad died so I'm sure that was a large part of it. It was weird being in church again. I haven't been in years and it blew my mind how much of it I still knew, how all of the priest's dialogue was still playing in my head with him as he said it. During Ave Maria, my thoughts cut a short film together, a horrible juxtaposition completely unrelated to the family, it was disrespectful but I couldn't help it. I guess you can't choose when or where inspiration hits you. I saw my dad's cousin Tracy walking around with her camera. I was oddly envious. I wanted to bring mine but didn't think it was appropriate. I know it's a funeral but I felt a burning need to take photos, flowers and hugs and handshakes, they're gorgeous. I saw frozen snapshots in front of me the entire time but I was powerless in terms of capture.
My dad stepped outside during lunch, so I went with him. I checked my phone and saw that I had a missed call and a voicemail. It was Jason, just letting me know that he was in the hospital. And I freak out because I have no idea if he overdosed on something or mixed sleeping pills with something stupid and I DON'T WANT THAT TO BE MY FIRST THOUGHT. And then, do you know what my second thought was? What if it was my fault. He had been sending texts all night, I was ignoring them because I was trying to sleep and then he sent MORE to compensate, almost, and I don't want that to be my second thought, either. Like, he wants to know why we're not dating? This is why. I don't want to even feasibly entertain ideas like this about the person I'm with. All of that went through my head in less than a second, I swear. Because then he said that he had acute appendicitis, and he just wanted to let me know or whatever. Which I appreciated, and he's fine, but it's still shitty news to get at a funeral and I was really upset/worried/etc.
We went to the cemetery after lunch for the burial, I wish the weather wouldn't have been so shitty because I probably would have enjoyed it. It was raining and windy as hell, I was shaking I was so cold. After the priest left, everyone was looking around for other people that were buried there, my dad's dad and his uncle's wife. It was strangely sweet to watch. I got in my dad's truck and his uncle Ron came up to my window and twirled a red flower, motioning for me to roll it down. He just wanted to make sure I got a flower. ♥ We all went to his other uncle's house, which was so much fun - it always is. I spent AGES talking to one of my favorite relatives ever, Rob, and my dad's cousin Joey, about horror films. I passed the bar and heard them talking about Hostel so I jumped in. OH man, and Joey made my DAY because he was telling me about how he broke up with a girl because she didn't like horror films. sldkjfhahjkl. "I can't be with somebody who doesn't like horror films, I'm sorry, I can't." So they told me a bunch of films I need to see and it was so much fun, okay. And then Tracy came up and tapped me and was like, "I haven't gotten to talk to you!" and I was so glad she found me because I had been DYING TO TALK TO HER. So we just had a huge geek-sesh about photography, she told me she loved a shot of my shoes on Facebook, so I got to explain how I did it, she got kind of flustered and told me I was going places and was so adorable. And then we flailed over ring flashes and how much we want them. She asked how/what I was doing lately, I told her I had my first paying job last week and that was the hardest bit for me, having money conversations with people over something I'd love to do for free. She said that that's her biggest struggle too and that she'd bring me her pricing lists and stuff to look at. "And I was talking to Angie and I want us all to go up to the cabin and shoot soon, etc" lol we were so happy and fangirly and talking a mile a minute, we would have talked so much longer but her kid came and started tugging on her arm because the rest of her family was all ready to leave lol.
I have been sleeping so much this week that it kind of concerns me. I slept like 14 hours last night. I'm hoping it's just stress or PMS. I don't even know.
Tuesday, my sister and I had to go to a wake. My last great-grandmother passed away. :( ♥ It's okay, I'm okay, we knew it was coming, but. What are your thoughts on wakes/funerals? Open caskets kind of freak me out, not because I have an issue with death in general but because I am such a visual person and I don't want that image of people I love burned into my brain. It doesn't bring me closure~ or anything. My dad's side of the family is really fun though, everyone has a great sense of humor and is really quirky and interesting. Like his mom, I know I've talked about it before but her house, you guys, it kills me. Art fucking EVERYWHERE. She is SUCH an artist, she does everything and I saw this new thing on her table - sepia photos of a fence and then lines in the snow, pressed onto crinkly greenish paper and in a wooden frame - and I knew that I got so much of my creativity from her. We have different taste in aesthetics but the way we clutter and fill our lives with color and make art out of random things we find is totally the same. We went over to her house after the wake, ordered pizza and watched The Office and Family Guy which was hilarious because we all just died laughing, my dad almost shot his drink out of his nose.
The funeral was yesterday. I'm more okay with funerals than most people, I think. I was telling cabaretlights that I know there's a sad reason for it but there's so much love there, you can look around and be almost positive that everyone you see is feeling something huge. Half the time I go places and look around and am not really sure. I love people reminiscing and telling stories, and I love always learning something new about the person that I didn't know before. My sister flew to Vegas so I had to show up on my own since my dad had to be there early. I walked in by myself and instantly, my little second/third/IDK cousins came running to the door, they each took one of my hands. Four and six years old, these energetic little blondies. "Were you playing with me at 4th of July?!?!" one of them asked. ♥ They started the ceremony and they didn't leave, they were so well-behaved, just standing there holding my hands. "LOL, if they start bugging you, let us know," their parents said. Are you kidding?! The funeral was really nice. The hardest part of it was seeing my dad upset. He was trying to act like he wasn't. He had said on the phone that it just brought him back to when his dad died so I'm sure that was a large part of it. It was weird being in church again. I haven't been in years and it blew my mind how much of it I still knew, how all of the priest's dialogue was still playing in my head with him as he said it. During Ave Maria, my thoughts cut a short film together, a horrible juxtaposition completely unrelated to the family, it was disrespectful but I couldn't help it. I guess you can't choose when or where inspiration hits you. I saw my dad's cousin Tracy walking around with her camera. I was oddly envious. I wanted to bring mine but didn't think it was appropriate. I know it's a funeral but I felt a burning need to take photos, flowers and hugs and handshakes, they're gorgeous. I saw frozen snapshots in front of me the entire time but I was powerless in terms of capture.
My dad stepped outside during lunch, so I went with him. I checked my phone and saw that I had a missed call and a voicemail. It was Jason, just letting me know that he was in the hospital. And I freak out because I have no idea if he overdosed on something or mixed sleeping pills with something stupid and I DON'T WANT THAT TO BE MY FIRST THOUGHT. And then, do you know what my second thought was? What if it was my fault. He had been sending texts all night, I was ignoring them because I was trying to sleep and then he sent MORE to compensate, almost, and I don't want that to be my second thought, either. Like, he wants to know why we're not dating? This is why. I don't want to even feasibly entertain ideas like this about the person I'm with. All of that went through my head in less than a second, I swear. Because then he said that he had acute appendicitis, and he just wanted to let me know or whatever. Which I appreciated, and he's fine, but it's still shitty news to get at a funeral and I was really upset/worried/etc.
We went to the cemetery after lunch for the burial, I wish the weather wouldn't have been so shitty because I probably would have enjoyed it. It was raining and windy as hell, I was shaking I was so cold. After the priest left, everyone was looking around for other people that were buried there, my dad's dad and his uncle's wife. It was strangely sweet to watch. I got in my dad's truck and his uncle Ron came up to my window and twirled a red flower, motioning for me to roll it down. He just wanted to make sure I got a flower. ♥ We all went to his other uncle's house, which was so much fun - it always is. I spent AGES talking to one of my favorite relatives ever, Rob, and my dad's cousin Joey, about horror films. I passed the bar and heard them talking about Hostel so I jumped in. OH man, and Joey made my DAY because he was telling me about how he broke up with a girl because she didn't like horror films. sldkjfhahjkl. "I can't be with somebody who doesn't like horror films, I'm sorry, I can't." So they told me a bunch of films I need to see and it was so much fun, okay. And then Tracy came up and tapped me and was like, "I haven't gotten to talk to you!" and I was so glad she found me because I had been DYING TO TALK TO HER. So we just had a huge geek-sesh about photography, she told me she loved a shot of my shoes on Facebook, so I got to explain how I did it, she got kind of flustered and told me I was going places and was so adorable. And then we flailed over ring flashes and how much we want them. She asked how/what I was doing lately, I told her I had my first paying job last week and that was the hardest bit for me, having money conversations with people over something I'd love to do for free. She said that that's her biggest struggle too and that she'd bring me her pricing lists and stuff to look at. "And I was talking to Angie and I want us all to go up to the cabin and shoot soon, etc" lol we were so happy and fangirly and talking a mile a minute, we would have talked so much longer but her kid came and started tugging on her arm because the rest of her family was all ready to leave lol.
I have been sleeping so much this week that it kind of concerns me. I slept like 14 hours last night. I'm hoping it's just stress or PMS. I don't even know.