this isn't life, it's just STUFF... IT'S JUST A COUCH.
Yesterday sucked. I already wrote off a huge email about it so I don't feel like rehashing it, but basically my world completely crumbled to bits and that rarely happens to me. So when it does, I literally don't even know how to deal and I fucking hyperventilate and cry for three hours. Long story short, I dealt with idiots all day at work, my mother was a complete bitch over such trivial things, and I lost so much faith in humanity and thought way too much about how I don't fit into this world as it is because so many people are content with mediocrity and I can't even. I finally fell asleep, only to be woken up to have a super serious conversation with Matt and it was civil and honest and beautiful but I did not like the point of it. He's been talking to his ex, blah blah, he doesn't know what he wants, etc, but he cares and just wanted to let me know and ask what he can do to help make this easier on me (which, the respect and consideration, it blows my mind). But at that point, I was too numb to care anyway.
I was okay this morning. I was optimistically apathetic, if that makes sense. But then my day was made because I went to the bagel shop on the way to class, and the woman who rang me up, I thanked her for my change and then she said, "God, what a great smile..." And it always means so much to me to get compliments from strangers because they are so genuine. I nearly cried at her just because I was so run down with people and sick of them and then some woman I don't even know said all of five words to me and they so nearly made up for everyone else's shit. I thought back to American Beauty, the ending monologue has completely changed my life - "I suppose I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me, but it's hard to stay mad when there's so much beauty in the world..." I say that in my head and it calms me, no matter what. I also tell myself to feel nothing but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid life, whenever anything goes wrong. Like I was driving, and I looked up in my mirror to see there was a fucking WASP in my car, and I was on the highway, so I fucking freaked out and then I just told myself if my heart was in the right place, he'd leave me alone and why would he have any mind to hurt me at all if I didn't give off a bad vibe? He can't help that he's stuck in my car. I thought all of that and he landed innocently in my back seat. By this point, I'd rolled my windows down and next time I looked for him, he was gone and everything was fine. Just stupid little things like that so completely make me.
Class today went fine, Matt & I were as normal as we could have been and it all ended okay last night anyway, I love how honest I can be with him and he doesn't feel like I'm attacking him even though I read it back and felt like a right bitch about one thing in particular that I said. But he appreciated it and thought the same thing himself so it wasn't an issue. We were kind of sad/quiet at first but then it got better when he complained about how his butt was sore from the gym so I got to teach him how to stretch your butt. Win, it was hilarious. I had fuck all to do since class is basically done - I dunked three bowls in glaze and nothing else's been fired yet so I couldn't do anything. Laz made us clean and then we just kind of sat around and talked. Also, this happened and it was the highlight of my life:
Kelly: (after drilling completely through his salt shaker by accident) What am I supposed to do now?
Matt: First, go get snipped so you can't reproduce, then...
Kelly: I don't want kids anyway.
Me: Thank you, on behalf of the world.
Kelly: YOU are a BITCH.
Laz: *yells from across the room* KELLY!
Kelly: But she just told me not to reproduce!
Laz: Well maybe she's RIGHT!
LOL. LOL. I LAUGHED FOR 100 YEARS. I am going to miss this class so fucking much, I cannot even. After that, I came home to my mom, who was playing hooky from work, lol, and convinced her to go to with me to my favorite place OF ALL TIME, this pizza place downtown. Their strawberry gelato is getting its own fucking tag, I just decided. Because it is... it is just... I'd be interested to hook my brain up to machinery and measure changes in it both when I'm eating this and also when I'm having sex. Because I bet the ice cream would trump it, THAT is how serious it is. It MIGHT even beat a sack sesh with Adam Lambert. And that's fucking serious because he'd be my number one fuck of the world (SPEAKING OF, SHOW TIX GO ON SALE TOMORROW MORNING, I AM SO THERE). Anyway. So we went ~to~ there and I was fully planning on them not even HAVING strawberry because sometimes they don't and just the way that my life has been going this week, I assumed it'd by my luck that they wouldn't. OH, THEY DID. FUCK YEAH. I was going to buy a MASSIVE TUB OF IT but then we decided to go to the art museum so I couldn't because it would melt. :( :( :( BTW I also had killer pasta, KILLER.
I will talk tomorrow about the art museum and the garden we went to afterward because I has photos! I just am too tired to get them ready right now but I will and I love you guys - I am doing a lot better today and thank you to those of you who sent messages. I haven't responded to them yet but just know that they were unexpected and appreciated, lots of love. ♥ Also, someone defriended me after I posted that photo of yours truly pseudo-scuba-diving so if people are sick of my face or something, SORRY, lol. I think I lost one after a video blog once too - YES I am loud and hyper and obnoxious - again, SORRY, my baaaad.
My eyes fucking hurt. Fuck. Also, temporary layout is temporary. I am not in the mood to make a new one right now but I was SO sick of that clock shit, lol.
I was okay this morning. I was optimistically apathetic, if that makes sense. But then my day was made because I went to the bagel shop on the way to class, and the woman who rang me up, I thanked her for my change and then she said, "God, what a great smile..." And it always means so much to me to get compliments from strangers because they are so genuine. I nearly cried at her just because I was so run down with people and sick of them and then some woman I don't even know said all of five words to me and they so nearly made up for everyone else's shit. I thought back to American Beauty, the ending monologue has completely changed my life - "I suppose I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me, but it's hard to stay mad when there's so much beauty in the world..." I say that in my head and it calms me, no matter what. I also tell myself to feel nothing but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid life, whenever anything goes wrong. Like I was driving, and I looked up in my mirror to see there was a fucking WASP in my car, and I was on the highway, so I fucking freaked out and then I just told myself if my heart was in the right place, he'd leave me alone and why would he have any mind to hurt me at all if I didn't give off a bad vibe? He can't help that he's stuck in my car. I thought all of that and he landed innocently in my back seat. By this point, I'd rolled my windows down and next time I looked for him, he was gone and everything was fine. Just stupid little things like that so completely make me.
Class today went fine, Matt & I were as normal as we could have been and it all ended okay last night anyway, I love how honest I can be with him and he doesn't feel like I'm attacking him even though I read it back and felt like a right bitch about one thing in particular that I said. But he appreciated it and thought the same thing himself so it wasn't an issue. We were kind of sad/quiet at first but then it got better when he complained about how his butt was sore from the gym so I got to teach him how to stretch your butt. Win, it was hilarious. I had fuck all to do since class is basically done - I dunked three bowls in glaze and nothing else's been fired yet so I couldn't do anything. Laz made us clean and then we just kind of sat around and talked. Also, this happened and it was the highlight of my life:
Kelly: (after drilling completely through his salt shaker by accident) What am I supposed to do now?
Matt: First, go get snipped so you can't reproduce, then...
Kelly: I don't want kids anyway.
Me: Thank you, on behalf of the world.
Kelly: YOU are a BITCH.
Laz: *yells from across the room* KELLY!
Kelly: But she just told me not to reproduce!
Laz: Well maybe she's RIGHT!
LOL. LOL. I LAUGHED FOR 100 YEARS. I am going to miss this class so fucking much, I cannot even. After that, I came home to my mom, who was playing hooky from work, lol, and convinced her to go to with me to my favorite place OF ALL TIME, this pizza place downtown. Their strawberry gelato is getting its own fucking tag, I just decided. Because it is... it is just... I'd be interested to hook my brain up to machinery and measure changes in it both when I'm eating this and also when I'm having sex. Because I bet the ice cream would trump it, THAT is how serious it is. It MIGHT even beat a sack sesh with Adam Lambert. And that's fucking serious because he'd be my number one fuck of the world (SPEAKING OF, SHOW TIX GO ON SALE TOMORROW MORNING, I AM SO THERE). Anyway. So we went ~to~ there and I was fully planning on them not even HAVING strawberry because sometimes they don't and just the way that my life has been going this week, I assumed it'd by my luck that they wouldn't. OH, THEY DID. FUCK YEAH. I was going to buy a MASSIVE TUB OF IT but then we decided to go to the art museum so I couldn't because it would melt. :( :( :( BTW I also had killer pasta, KILLER.
I will talk tomorrow about the art museum and the garden we went to afterward because I has photos! I just am too tired to get them ready right now but I will and I love you guys - I am doing a lot better today and thank you to those of you who sent messages. I haven't responded to them yet but just know that they were unexpected and appreciated, lots of love. ♥ Also, someone defriended me after I posted that photo of yours truly pseudo-scuba-diving so if people are sick of my face or something, SORRY, lol. I think I lost one after a video blog once too - YES I am loud and hyper and obnoxious - again, SORRY, my baaaad.
My eyes fucking hurt. Fuck. Also, temporary layout is temporary. I am not in the mood to make a new one right now but I was SO sick of that clock shit, lol.