idol finale
And Kris gets it. Which, whatever, he's adorable, and I do like his sound. But it raised up so many fucking issues in me that go so far beyond a goddamn singing competition. To be honest, the fact that his homosexuality could have affected the outcome didn't even cross my mind until my mother brought it up, because I was so wrapped up in the artistic loss of it, and how he was just generally misunderstood in an artistic sense because he was fucking different. And that offends me, because I relate so much to it and I think of the times where I've lost stupid little things because whatever I'm up against is so much more commonplace and people understand commonplace so much more because a majority of the people aren't creative enough or smart enough or daring enough or whatever the fuck it IS to appreciate individuality and new things and in-your-face risks and boldness and statements and I am so fucking sick of the people who dare to MAKE those statements being misunderstood because not enough people have the fucking capacity to truly think about them and what they mean. So I went off on that and then my mom said, "No, it's because he's gay I'm sure. All the fucking religious people just couldn't have that." And then I cried even more and said, "WELL EITHER WAY, REALLY." I just feel like I cannot respect humanity as a whole. And I wanted that moment so badly for him. And I've been playing it over in my head for days, what he'd do when they called his name. The faces he'd make, the way he'd cry, if he'd hit the floor, what he'd say, what Paula would do, what he'd look like with all of that fucking glitter falling around his face, hitting those notes harder than he'd ever hit anything before. And then Kris wins and I feel absolutely nothing. Kris barely seems to feel anything. The moment was SO fucking BORING and LACKLUSTER and I realize it was because he was stunned or didn't expect it or whatever, but I don't fucking care - I like to feel things. And an Idol finale is a huge fucking opportunity for that. And it was fucking wasted. And fuck, okay, another issue - if Kris doesn't feel like he deserves to win, why should I. Why the hell would I ever support and root for somebody who doesn't even think they deserve it. Why. You are your own indicator of how I'll view you.
Just to be clear, I like Kris. I do. And him and Adam are fucking adorable and so supportive of each other and I know that Adam's okay and happy for him and that he'll be successful. But that's not the fucking point. My mom kept trying to reassure me, "he'll be fine, seriously, he'll be huge, he'll have records and concerts we can go to", and it's like I know - I've known that for weeks now. It's the fucking principle, and it's all those fucking other issues. And I have such a heart for justice and it's like sometimes I even forget just HOW much until moments like these. Where something so small and trivial in the grand scheme of things just sets off ALL these fucking issues about inequality and misunderstood people and god, I feel like to most people I'll sound SO insane and overreacting right now but seriously, seriously. I am so fucking upset right now.
Gemma was absolutely beautiful though and I'm so glad she was here otherwise I would have fallen apart completely. She was holding my hand before the results were read, and she hugged me immediately when they were called off. "I'm ready to cry, I can't even imagine how you must feel." I did finally cry, at just... fucking everything, and she tapped her foot on mine and pulled me into a hug and then we just sat there for fucking ever with her head in my neck and my knee on her lap.
We went and got ice cream and just lksjdflhjkasf. And then we bitched on the way home about how nobody fucking appreciates rock music anymore. Like, fuck, I look at the people Adam performed with - KISS, Queen, and I'm like, "goddamn, A+ night for Adam, right". And then I think about how huge they were. And all of the other fucking awesome rockstars there used to be - Guns N Roses, Def Leppard, Styx, Journey, Poison, that whole group of people who were all fucking awesome and NOBODY IS LIKE THAT ANYMORE. Gemma and I tried so hard to think of a legit current or recent rockstar of that caliber and we came up nothing. WHY. Why. Why does nobody appreciate that type of music anymore. Why does nobody embrace and demand that attitude anymore. That balls-to-the-wall, no-holds-barred, screaming, yelling, guitar-breaking, crazy-face, tongue, make-up, lights, give-you-a-goddamn-show attitude. Where is it.
And now we're both really fucking depressed for various reasons.
Just to be clear, I like Kris. I do. And him and Adam are fucking adorable and so supportive of each other and I know that Adam's okay and happy for him and that he'll be successful. But that's not the fucking point. My mom kept trying to reassure me, "he'll be fine, seriously, he'll be huge, he'll have records and concerts we can go to", and it's like I know - I've known that for weeks now. It's the fucking principle, and it's all those fucking other issues. And I have such a heart for justice and it's like sometimes I even forget just HOW much until moments like these. Where something so small and trivial in the grand scheme of things just sets off ALL these fucking issues about inequality and misunderstood people and god, I feel like to most people I'll sound SO insane and overreacting right now but seriously, seriously. I am so fucking upset right now.
Gemma was absolutely beautiful though and I'm so glad she was here otherwise I would have fallen apart completely. She was holding my hand before the results were read, and she hugged me immediately when they were called off. "I'm ready to cry, I can't even imagine how you must feel." I did finally cry, at just... fucking everything, and she tapped her foot on mine and pulled me into a hug and then we just sat there for fucking ever with her head in my neck and my knee on her lap.
We went and got ice cream and just lksjdflhjkasf. And then we bitched on the way home about how nobody fucking appreciates rock music anymore. Like, fuck, I look at the people Adam performed with - KISS, Queen, and I'm like, "goddamn, A+ night for Adam, right". And then I think about how huge they were. And all of the other fucking awesome rockstars there used to be - Guns N Roses, Def Leppard, Styx, Journey, Poison, that whole group of people who were all fucking awesome and NOBODY IS LIKE THAT ANYMORE. Gemma and I tried so hard to think of a legit current or recent rockstar of that caliber and we came up nothing. WHY. Why. Why does nobody appreciate that type of music anymore. Why does nobody embrace and demand that attitude anymore. That balls-to-the-wall, no-holds-barred, screaming, yelling, guitar-breaking, crazy-face, tongue, make-up, lights, give-you-a-goddamn-show attitude. Where is it.
And now we're both really fucking depressed for various reasons.