i'm a little too traumatized to eat a scone
→ I woke up to my father's voice today. That hasn't happened since I was like... 14 I think. It was weird. Then I remembered that he was going to come over here so my mom could cut his hair. So she was doing, out on the deck, and I opened my window and got back in bed and just listened to them talk and get along. Then I showered and went out there and it was so gorgeous out. My mom went in and put her swimsuit on so she could tan and he made some comment about "ooooh, well look at this!" and she was all, "Yeah. And you gave this up." and then he was like, "And YOU gave THIS *gestures to self* up" and then he left and my mom told me that she was telling him about how her ex keeps trying to get on her and he told her that he'd be "so disappointed in her" if she got mixed up with him again. And they fucking break my heart, okay. Did I tell you they had sex again. Because they did. A couple of weeks ago. I left her at his house and they totally did it.
→ Tyler is apparently either actually dating someone else or is just trying to make me jealous. "Did you do your art experience report yet? Wanna do it together, minding the fact that I'm dating someone else?" LOL kind of unnecessary, right. "Minding the fact", spoken as if I'd try to get on him or something. Last time I checked and last time we did an ~art experience report~ together, it was the other way around and I was unresponsive, but whatever you want to delude yourself into thinking, whatever makes it easier for you to get over it all is fine by me because I chose not to date you. He'd been unusually pissy and standoffish in class lately, ever since we had the "let's date / i'm still hung up on someone, actually" conversation come to think of it, so I knew something was up but I didn't know he was seeing someone else this soon. What. HOW DO PEOPLE MOVE TO "DATING" SOMEONE IN THE SPAN OF MERE DAYS. I LITERALLY DON'T GET HOW PEOPLE CAN GO THAT FAST. Well whatever. I swear to god he only asked about the goddamn art paper as a means of telling me he was seeing someone. Because he needs me to care or something. Why do people keep expecting me to be upset and cry over decisions that I FUCKING MAKE. I feel so emotionally underestimated and that's what bothers me the most out of any of this.
→ And! CJ asked me out to a movie tonight. What. No, we're not doing this. And when we went out to lunch other day, he was like, making all these plans for us and "do you want to go to a shooting range" and "for your birthday let's go to this 80's club I found" and "we we we" and picking me up and trying to pay for me and it's like NO! This is over and it's to the point where I don't even want to communicate with you at ALL anymore out of fear that I'm feeding some false illusion and I hate it. I don't think we can even BE "friends" because to you that apparently means "act as if you're still dating". I'm not being mean to him, I'm being very nice about it actually but it's just one of those things I don't need in my life right now and it's frustrating me.
→ My homework is doing OKAY but nowhere near as well as I'd hoped. I absolutely CANNOT do work ahead of time - I NEED the severe pressure that comes with the "last minute", because that's when I work best. I have always shone under pressure. And I don't have enough of it right now. There's no way I'm going to be done by tomorrow night so I'm accepting that and trying to regroup. Fuck, I have no idea. And it hasn't helped that I'm on my period and I always get so. tired. when that happens and everything is coming all at once, THAT and finals and papers up the wazoo and House and my sister's video and having to clean for Gemma and seriously, all at once and I am only one person. I have literally no time to do it all, let alone sleep as much as I need to be sleeping right now. Fucking a.
→ Thank god I love Art so much though. Otherwise I'd be killing myself. I'm having fun with my term paper, actually, I don't know why I didn't start it earlier. I seem to have forgotten how much I genuinely love thinking and articulating thoughts and arguing on a scholarly level. I genuinely like writing papers more than most, too. But this is fucking fun. I get to write a precis in discussion format about the power of film and why it's the art form that is most easily understood across cultures and it actually has to do with cognitive processes and psychology and biology and sdljfhhjasdfa and I get to bust out my William Goldman and Stanislavski and everything else. And then when that's done, I get to write about aesthetics of rock music. HOW MUCH DOES THIS WIN. SDLKJFHA. I don't even know. I do know that I'd like to read more articles of this nature over the summer, though. It's all so smart. And I feel so much better about doing it than I do sitting and refreshing my facebook or my email. Also I fully intend to write essays/papers pertaining to fandom. Just for the hell of it. Because that is how much I love it. I am excited.
I NEED MOAR CAFFEINE. Ugh, procrastination over. :( I love you guys.
→ Tyler is apparently either actually dating someone else or is just trying to make me jealous. "Did you do your art experience report yet? Wanna do it together, minding the fact that I'm dating someone else?" LOL kind of unnecessary, right. "Minding the fact", spoken as if I'd try to get on him or something. Last time I checked and last time we did an ~art experience report~ together, it was the other way around and I was unresponsive, but whatever you want to delude yourself into thinking, whatever makes it easier for you to get over it all is fine by me because I chose not to date you. He'd been unusually pissy and standoffish in class lately, ever since we had the "let's date / i'm still hung up on someone, actually" conversation come to think of it, so I knew something was up but I didn't know he was seeing someone else this soon. What. HOW DO PEOPLE MOVE TO "DATING" SOMEONE IN THE SPAN OF MERE DAYS. I LITERALLY DON'T GET HOW PEOPLE CAN GO THAT FAST. Well whatever. I swear to god he only asked about the goddamn art paper as a means of telling me he was seeing someone. Because he needs me to care or something. Why do people keep expecting me to be upset and cry over decisions that I FUCKING MAKE. I feel so emotionally underestimated and that's what bothers me the most out of any of this.
→ And! CJ asked me out to a movie tonight. What. No, we're not doing this. And when we went out to lunch other day, he was like, making all these plans for us and "do you want to go to a shooting range" and "for your birthday let's go to this 80's club I found" and "we we we" and picking me up and trying to pay for me and it's like NO! This is over and it's to the point where I don't even want to communicate with you at ALL anymore out of fear that I'm feeding some false illusion and I hate it. I don't think we can even BE "friends" because to you that apparently means "act as if you're still dating". I'm not being mean to him, I'm being very nice about it actually but it's just one of those things I don't need in my life right now and it's frustrating me.
→ My homework is doing OKAY but nowhere near as well as I'd hoped. I absolutely CANNOT do work ahead of time - I NEED the severe pressure that comes with the "last minute", because that's when I work best. I have always shone under pressure. And I don't have enough of it right now. There's no way I'm going to be done by tomorrow night so I'm accepting that and trying to regroup. Fuck, I have no idea. And it hasn't helped that I'm on my period and I always get so. tired. when that happens and everything is coming all at once, THAT and finals and papers up the wazoo and House and my sister's video and having to clean for Gemma and seriously, all at once and I am only one person. I have literally no time to do it all, let alone sleep as much as I need to be sleeping right now. Fucking a.
→ Thank god I love Art so much though. Otherwise I'd be killing myself. I'm having fun with my term paper, actually, I don't know why I didn't start it earlier. I seem to have forgotten how much I genuinely love thinking and articulating thoughts and arguing on a scholarly level. I genuinely like writing papers more than most, too. But this is fucking fun. I get to write a precis in discussion format about the power of film and why it's the art form that is most easily understood across cultures and it actually has to do with cognitive processes and psychology and biology and sdljfhhjasdfa and I get to bust out my William Goldman and Stanislavski and everything else. And then when that's done, I get to write about aesthetics of rock music. HOW MUCH DOES THIS WIN. SDLKJFHA. I don't even know. I do know that I'd like to read more articles of this nature over the summer, though. It's all so smart. And I feel so much better about doing it than I do sitting and refreshing my facebook or my email. Also I fully intend to write essays/papers pertaining to fandom. Just for the hell of it. Because that is how much I love it. I am excited.
I NEED MOAR CAFFEINE. Ugh, procrastination over. :( I love you guys.