"It's very inspiring, you shatter any boundaries that someone has handed you."
I don't know what the fuck is happening to me. I'm doing my makeup for no reason, I've drawn all over myself with silver sharpie, fun swirls and hearts and dots on my hand and ankle and thigh, I painted my nails white, I put a hoop in my cartilage, I want to dye my hair red like my header, and I don't even OWN the kind of clothes I feel like wearing tomorrow. This isn't even an identity crisis. I love who I am, I just have some burning desire to be more artsy and interesting. I want a funky haircut, I want new makeup, I want to be a 20 year old. It's not even insecurity, it's so insanely the opposite. It's like I'm SO secure that I'm straight up bored. I wish I lived in New York. Also, vanity moment (I don't care if you hate me for it; cut me, whatever): I love my body. I love my body SO much. And I'm seriously considering getting a job JUST so I can have money to buy adorable things to put on it. Because someday, I won't HAVE this, and I'll look back and be so upset that I didn't take full advantage of it when I had the chance. I also want to start having more sex with it. Because it is killer. And when I'm old and start to get gross, by then I WILL be all into sex and I'll be so upset that I wasn't having it when I used to be like this. Like what a waste. I feel like I'm wasting myself and my youth. And I have no money to fix this problem. So please, make me get a job. I'm getting a job. I feel like if I tell you this, I'll be more willing to do it. Like when I was breaking up with CJ, I didn't even want to go through with it anymore when I was actually DOING it but then I thought, "I already told people I was going to, so. And I wouldn't have even told them if I didn't really want to do this. So don't let yourself change your mind." And I didn't. So if I tell you I'm getting a job, I'm more likely to get one. I am getting a job, YAY! And then I can buy all the shoes I want! And I can go out to LA again. Whenever. I. Want. I could be in LA in two days. I could be on a Victoria's Secret shoot with Tony right now, I could be editing a RL music video for a RL song that doesn't have one yet, I didn't even ask - he told me he'd let me have at it and do it. Because he's seen what I can do. I want to be there, I want to explode. I want it all. I want to dress myself up like an absolute doll, I want to have my own apartment filled with all of my own Rauschenberg-like artwork, rooms just fucking saturated with color and dangly things, in a city that I love, in a place that never sleeps, just like me, I want sex without that relationship crap, I want a job that I love, I want more shoes, I want a fucking life.
"This is the time in your life to do those impossible things;
nothing has really broken you just yet."
- Lisa Edelstein
And I need to have this written out in front of me. And I can't just have it written, I need other people to see it. Because if they don't, I'll just keep it to myself and give up on it. Like I always do. If I know people know I want these things, I feel like I'll fight harder for them so I don't look so stupid if I talk it up and then never make it happen. I am young. And that is beautifully empowering. I can't keep wasting this. And I don't want you to, either. Please do something today that you've always wanted to do, no matter how small. Love yourself. Feel pretty. Have an opinion. Be confident. Think. Feel. Do. Figure out what you want. Write it down. Tell your friends. And then take the first step towards doing it. Fight for the chance, the ability, and the freedom to live life on your terms.
"This is the time in your life to do those impossible things;
nothing has really broken you just yet."
- Lisa Edelstein
And I need to have this written out in front of me. And I can't just have it written, I need other people to see it. Because if they don't, I'll just keep it to myself and give up on it. Like I always do. If I know people know I want these things, I feel like I'll fight harder for them so I don't look so stupid if I talk it up and then never make it happen. I am young. And that is beautifully empowering. I can't keep wasting this. And I don't want you to, either. Please do something today that you've always wanted to do, no matter how small. Love yourself. Feel pretty. Have an opinion. Be confident. Think. Feel. Do. Figure out what you want. Write it down. Tell your friends. And then take the first step towards doing it. Fight for the chance, the ability, and the freedom to live life on your terms.