yesterday I got lost in the circus.
This was the hardest thing either of us has had to do. We tried not to sleep last night because we decided it was a waste of our time. We watched Craig Ferguson and I had to leave during it to go have emo!times in Tiff's bathroom. I fixed my face and went back in our room. I got on the bed and Gem said, "hey". And I wanted to cry again. We so did not want to sleep, we talked as long as we could, I don't even remember the last thing either of us said or what time we fell asleep. I got up to go to the bathroom in the morning and Tiff's mom was up. "Oh she's up! Without me even having to wake her!" I asked her what time it was and she said 10 minutes to 6. I went back to bed. When I woke up, the lights in our room were on and everyone was up. I had to pack some last minute shit and I was worried, but we managed to make it all fit - including my pillow (which in retrospect was probably a stupid idea), my new Tarina Tarantino Barbie (I got #610/14,400 worldwide, Gemma got #611), my huge X-Files book that weighs about 50 pounds, and my gorgeous Marilyn art that Gemma got me for my birthday. She's got a birthday soon too and I don't know how I'm going to follow that up.
We got all our shit in the car and drove to the airport. I wanted to cry already but couldn't. I looked over at Gemma, I thought she was asleep but she wasn't, she was so sad and I'll never forget her face. Then she did fall asleep. We got to the airport and checked in together. Gemma said she felt like she was going to throw up, we're all sort of sick, you know. We said goodbye to Tiff and her mom before we went through security. Tiff kissed me on the cheek before she hugged me. That broke my heart.
The guy at security looked at my boarding pass and said he liked my last name. He had the same one, obviously. He showed me his badge and all. Then he asked me as he pointed to Gemma, "Does she have the same last name too?" As though we were sisters or something. I said, "No. I wish" as I picked Mia up out of the security bin.
"They have a Starbucks," I said, not even really wanting Starbucks. I don't even like Starbucks. But I know Gemma does. She said she probably couldn't even drink it right now if she wanted to. She said her wanting to throw up earlier had nothing to do with our cold - it had to do with leaving. So we just went and waited at our gate. We departed from the same gate, how cute is that? Her flight was just a couple of hours later than mine.
We found they had free wireless. "Good, maybe it'll distract me," she said. We flisted and did emails as normal, pushing the fact that we'd have to say goodbye in a little over 40 minutes out of our minds. The guy started announcing my gate would be boarding soon and I started to cry. Neither of us were saying anything, we were just crying. And I wished so badly I wasn't in public because it was that kind of crying where you almost need to make noise about it? Like it's so bad that you physically need to whine and sob. I could feel tears dripping all over and through my new "Wicked - One Short Day in New York City" shirt. She reached over and grabbed my hand. And our fingers laced. And we just sat like that until the last possible minute. "Do you mind if I take a picture of this?"
They started boarding my zone, so we stood up, and I hugged her like I've never hugged anyone in my life. I hugged her like my life depended on it. Which, I suppose, in that moment, it did. Entirely.
We said so many beautiful things, too. I had them typed up but I don't know her thoughts on posting them for everyone to see. So I'll leave them out for now.
I got in line to board. I looked back at her and I will never, and I mean never, forget that image. She had gotten even worse than she was 30 seconds ago when I was standing with her. The guy scanned my ticket and I waved to her one last time. I fucking LOST. IT. walking down that ramp. I was trying to be quiet because there was so many people there and I knew they'd never understand. And it took absolutely everything I had in me not to run back and hug her again. I had to keep reminding myself that I've always prided myself on my self-discipline, and that it would probably just make it harder anyway.
I got on the plane and just cried. And hated on the fact that I was still in public when all I wanted to do was freak out. I looked like shit. I felt like shit. I could feel people looking at me and all of my problems. I sat down and tried my best to curl up against the window. I had missed a call from my mom, so I called her back. She was so excited for me to come home, it was really hard because I love her but in that moment, I really, really did not want to go home. Our flight attendant came on the speakers and said our bathroom was broken. Great. I begin to freak out because when I know I CAN'T go to the bathroom, I have to go even more. So I know this is a problem. She said that if we had to use the bathroom or thought we would during the course of the flight, that they would give us 10 minutes to get off the plane and go to the bathroom in the terminal.
I bet you can tell where this is going. I didn't even really need to go to the bathroom right then, but I lied and said I did anyway just so I could see her again. I was hoping she'd be there and that she wouldn't have moved or left or anything. I let my mom go off the phone and tried to get out of my seat. I cracked my head on the ceiling. And then I forgot my boarding pass. So I had to reach back down and get it, and when I got up, I hit my head again. I got off the plane and she was still there. She didn't know what the hell was going on but she didn't ask - she just put her computer aside and said, "oh oh" and got up to hug me again. I told her our bathrooms were broken and that I had to hurry because I only had five minutes but I just had to see her again. That broken bathroom turned out to be one of the biggest little blessings I've felt in such a long time. I got to hug her again.
"It was SO hard for me to leave you here all by yourself."
"Well you're alone too!"
"And this fucking music," she said, "I Wanna Hold Your Hand was just on and god..." I cried onto her shoulder, onto her new Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds shirt. "I really do have to go now," I said, and I did run to the bathroom quick, just to be sure. I came back and ran to her again and oh my god this is so hard to write about. We were just crying and it's so sad to hug someone knowing you won't see them for a long time. I wanted to tell her I loved her but she beat me to it. I will never forget how she said that. I am just so happy that I got to go back to her, even if only for 2 minutes. Every. second. counts. when I'm with them. Every single second.
I got back on my plane, listened to Nature's Law, and cried all the way to my layover in Chicago.
And saying goodbye to Hell the day before was fucking horrible too. It was, in a way, even more hard on me because I didn't get private time with her. With Gemma, it was just us two. Which is ironic because we were always planning on having that alone moment when we FIRST met, not when we had to leave. But with Hell, I got neither. There were so many people there and I didn't get an hour just to sit there with her. It was so hard. And she was going to get on her train and I was being so strong until I saw her hug Gemma. And I saw neither of them let go. And that's when I began to cry. They pulled apart and Gemma said something I couldn't quite make out, but she was crying and it ate me up so bad, to watch them like this, knowing that in about 5 seconds, it was going to be me. Hell hugged me and I completely lost it. I was waiting for the right time to say "See you in Las Vegas", I was repeating it over and over in my head but I wasn't ready to say it because I felt like if I did, it'd be that much closer to the end of the hug, and in turn, the end of everything. So I just didn't say anything. But she did. All she said was "Vegas." I nodded into her neck and said, "Yeah." She turned to hug Tiff again and I turned away to cry. We watched her get on her train and she waved to us all and I put my sunglasses on inside just because I didn't need people to see me so upset. She's been flying all day, they both have, I don't even fucking know. And part of me thinks it still hasn't fully hit me. It feels like I am just coming home to get some stuff and that I'm meeting them for dinner later or something. I feel like I'm waiting to get back with them and it needs to stop because it's not going to happen now. It is just so WEIRD not to be around them. Two weeks straight, never left each others' sides.
And GOD, that's another thing - the night before we left, Gem and I were watching House together. I showered and then she went to go shower and I honest to god had separation anxiety while she was in there. It was horrible. Because Hell was already GONE gone, and it just cemented the fact that it was actually happening - that we were actually leaving. And that's when it hit me and I felt so ALONE. And that was just when she left to shower. Now she's left for real, for a shower that lasts at least 365 days.
We got all our shit in the car and drove to the airport. I wanted to cry already but couldn't. I looked over at Gemma, I thought she was asleep but she wasn't, she was so sad and I'll never forget her face. Then she did fall asleep. We got to the airport and checked in together. Gemma said she felt like she was going to throw up, we're all sort of sick, you know. We said goodbye to Tiff and her mom before we went through security. Tiff kissed me on the cheek before she hugged me. That broke my heart.
The guy at security looked at my boarding pass and said he liked my last name. He had the same one, obviously. He showed me his badge and all. Then he asked me as he pointed to Gemma, "Does she have the same last name too?" As though we were sisters or something. I said, "No. I wish" as I picked Mia up out of the security bin.
"They have a Starbucks," I said, not even really wanting Starbucks. I don't even like Starbucks. But I know Gemma does. She said she probably couldn't even drink it right now if she wanted to. She said her wanting to throw up earlier had nothing to do with our cold - it had to do with leaving. So we just went and waited at our gate. We departed from the same gate, how cute is that? Her flight was just a couple of hours later than mine.
We found they had free wireless. "Good, maybe it'll distract me," she said. We flisted and did emails as normal, pushing the fact that we'd have to say goodbye in a little over 40 minutes out of our minds. The guy started announcing my gate would be boarding soon and I started to cry. Neither of us were saying anything, we were just crying. And I wished so badly I wasn't in public because it was that kind of crying where you almost need to make noise about it? Like it's so bad that you physically need to whine and sob. I could feel tears dripping all over and through my new "Wicked - One Short Day in New York City" shirt. She reached over and grabbed my hand. And our fingers laced. And we just sat like that until the last possible minute. "Do you mind if I take a picture of this?"
They started boarding my zone, so we stood up, and I hugged her like I've never hugged anyone in my life. I hugged her like my life depended on it. Which, I suppose, in that moment, it did. Entirely.
We said so many beautiful things, too. I had them typed up but I don't know her thoughts on posting them for everyone to see. So I'll leave them out for now.
I got in line to board. I looked back at her and I will never, and I mean never, forget that image. She had gotten even worse than she was 30 seconds ago when I was standing with her. The guy scanned my ticket and I waved to her one last time. I fucking LOST. IT. walking down that ramp. I was trying to be quiet because there was so many people there and I knew they'd never understand. And it took absolutely everything I had in me not to run back and hug her again. I had to keep reminding myself that I've always prided myself on my self-discipline, and that it would probably just make it harder anyway.
I got on the plane and just cried. And hated on the fact that I was still in public when all I wanted to do was freak out. I looked like shit. I felt like shit. I could feel people looking at me and all of my problems. I sat down and tried my best to curl up against the window. I had missed a call from my mom, so I called her back. She was so excited for me to come home, it was really hard because I love her but in that moment, I really, really did not want to go home. Our flight attendant came on the speakers and said our bathroom was broken. Great. I begin to freak out because when I know I CAN'T go to the bathroom, I have to go even more. So I know this is a problem. She said that if we had to use the bathroom or thought we would during the course of the flight, that they would give us 10 minutes to get off the plane and go to the bathroom in the terminal.
I bet you can tell where this is going. I didn't even really need to go to the bathroom right then, but I lied and said I did anyway just so I could see her again. I was hoping she'd be there and that she wouldn't have moved or left or anything. I let my mom go off the phone and tried to get out of my seat. I cracked my head on the ceiling. And then I forgot my boarding pass. So I had to reach back down and get it, and when I got up, I hit my head again. I got off the plane and she was still there. She didn't know what the hell was going on but she didn't ask - she just put her computer aside and said, "oh oh" and got up to hug me again. I told her our bathrooms were broken and that I had to hurry because I only had five minutes but I just had to see her again. That broken bathroom turned out to be one of the biggest little blessings I've felt in such a long time. I got to hug her again.
"It was SO hard for me to leave you here all by yourself."
"Well you're alone too!"
"And this fucking music," she said, "I Wanna Hold Your Hand was just on and god..." I cried onto her shoulder, onto her new Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds shirt. "I really do have to go now," I said, and I did run to the bathroom quick, just to be sure. I came back and ran to her again and oh my god this is so hard to write about. We were just crying and it's so sad to hug someone knowing you won't see them for a long time. I wanted to tell her I loved her but she beat me to it. I will never forget how she said that. I am just so happy that I got to go back to her, even if only for 2 minutes. Every. second. counts. when I'm with them. Every single second.
I got back on my plane, listened to Nature's Law, and cried all the way to my layover in Chicago.
And saying goodbye to Hell the day before was fucking horrible too. It was, in a way, even more hard on me because I didn't get private time with her. With Gemma, it was just us two. Which is ironic because we were always planning on having that alone moment when we FIRST met, not when we had to leave. But with Hell, I got neither. There were so many people there and I didn't get an hour just to sit there with her. It was so hard. And she was going to get on her train and I was being so strong until I saw her hug Gemma. And I saw neither of them let go. And that's when I began to cry. They pulled apart and Gemma said something I couldn't quite make out, but she was crying and it ate me up so bad, to watch them like this, knowing that in about 5 seconds, it was going to be me. Hell hugged me and I completely lost it. I was waiting for the right time to say "See you in Las Vegas", I was repeating it over and over in my head but I wasn't ready to say it because I felt like if I did, it'd be that much closer to the end of the hug, and in turn, the end of everything. So I just didn't say anything. But she did. All she said was "Vegas." I nodded into her neck and said, "Yeah." She turned to hug Tiff again and I turned away to cry. We watched her get on her train and she waved to us all and I put my sunglasses on inside just because I didn't need people to see me so upset. She's been flying all day, they both have, I don't even fucking know. And part of me thinks it still hasn't fully hit me. It feels like I am just coming home to get some stuff and that I'm meeting them for dinner later or something. I feel like I'm waiting to get back with them and it needs to stop because it's not going to happen now. It is just so WEIRD not to be around them. Two weeks straight, never left each others' sides.
And GOD, that's another thing - the night before we left, Gem and I were watching House together. I showered and then she went to go shower and I honest to god had separation anxiety while she was in there. It was horrible. Because Hell was already GONE gone, and it just cemented the fact that it was actually happening - that we were actually leaving. And that's when it hit me and I felt so ALONE. And that was just when she left to shower. Now she's left for real, for a shower that lasts at least 365 days.