"... Maybe I did want to be out there with you." <3
OKAY, I made a fucking voicepost yesterday about how #1 MERRY CHRISTMAS/EVE(!!1), and #2 I did not have internet at my house so I had to voicepost it, and it never showed up so you guys probably thought I was ignoring you but I was doing no such thing! Also I thanked london_fan in it for her beautiful card ♥! So if it randomly shows up after this, you know what's up. ANYWAY. I now have internet so's I can write like normal.
Friday night, a group of my friends and I went to that polka bar again so I suppose we're fashioning it into a new December 23 tradition. We had so much fun and a bunch of new people came by, including Max who I have not seen in like 5 years. So it was fun to talk to him, and a few guys from the movie came as well. I was kind of butthurt though because they didn't have whatever I drank last year and THAT WAS MY FAVORITE PART. I asked the bartender for their list of Christmas drinks and he was like, "We don't have one." like a total prick. So I asked him to just use his judgment and make me something warm and Christmassy, a spiked cider or something, and he was like, "We don't have cider." So I just got a fucking Captain/Coke, and after that a beer graciously appeared in front of my person. But then I ordered a Grumplemint shot and it was only my second one of life but it was far more successful. THEN I GOT STRAIGHT GOLDSCHLAGER, WHICH IS TOTAL CHRISTMAS. So it didn't turn out too bad but I wish they would have had that holiday warmth that flowed like a fountain last year.
Lindsey and I rocked ugly sweaters, Kiel and I argued a lot, you know, the usual, but the multitude of hugs totally negated it. Although the first thing he said to me when he got there was, "Oh hey! Where's Brendan and why isn't your tongue down his throat?" in front of EVERYONE. Because last year at this ~event~, I slyly made out with him in the car but it turns out it apparently wasn't so sly. IDK but it was UNCOOL. People were far more chill about it than I was, lol. Max asked me if I had seen the documentary about Helvetica and I was NOT AWARE THERE WAS SUCH A THING! On my list immediately! I'm kind of into documentaries lately - I watched Sicko and Zoo this past week, which were both awesome. We talked a little about the movie and how it turned out, and oh I was so pissed - I purposely brought my big purse so I could bring my camera and I was so excited because the pictures from last year were SO cute but then I turned it on and the battery was dead. Which was technically my own fault but I really don't blame myself. It was traumatic enough having to get a new camera, which had been sitting in the box out of spite up until just before I left that night, and I was kind of frantic about getting it open and ready. So, bummer. :( But it was fun - I love that group of people because everyone is really smart and/or artistic.
Last night (Christmas Eve), my sister, Jason, and I went to my dad's side for dinner. This was the first year ever that we didn't have to leave early to go to something on my mom's. Basically we ate a lot and watched A Christmas Story because it is hugely epic and ingrained on that side of the family especially. We are obsessed with it. Then all the little girls got there - they aren't my technical cousins, they're my dad's cousins' kids so I'm not sure what they are to me but ANYWAY. SO CUTE. They are ages like, 3-6, they were shy at first but of course they ended up hanging all over me and my sister, and eventually Jason too. It made me so happy to watch. He pulled up Santa Tracker on his computer for them and then had the cutest bit where he was purposely mixing up all the holidays --
Jason: "So a bunny's bringing you presents tonight?"
Kids: "NO!!!!! LOLOL! SANTA IS!!!!"
Jason: "I thought Santa took you trick or treating!!"
Kids: "NO!! LOLOL, THAT'S HALLOWEEEEN!"
Jason: "No!! Halloween is where you look for hidden eggs!"
Kids: "LOL, NOOOOOOOO!!!!!1 LOL, LOL."
-- and they were laughing so much and omg I died, DIED. And then he told them he knew how to count, so he started from zero and when he skipped 4 and then 6, and then 8, 9, and 10, they thought he was SO stupid but he just smiled and looked at me out of the corner of his eye because I knew he was counting prime numbers. ♥ Teagan, who is, god, four or five years old? IDK but she says, "DON'T tell him this, but... (leans into my ear and whispers) are you a girl in love??" Oh. My. God. I told her I was and then I told Jason what she said and he got all, "*GASP*!!!" about it and she was like, "THIS IS EXACTLY WHY I TOLD YOU NOT TO TELL HIM!!!" SDLKFHAJLKH. And then she turns to him and goes, "Is she gonna live with you tonight?" LOL oh my god oh my god. It was like the highlight of my holiday. They love us on Christmas, we see them like twice a year and their parents made a point of telling us how we're a staple in their Christmas scrapbook and they always look at it and "miss their friends". ♥
Another cousin's daughter, Sienna, is SO tame in comparison, she's so beautiful also and she sat right up next to me, cuddled her tiny self in and was watching the movie. And every once in awhile she'd just look up and me and say, "I like sitting with you like this" and then just keep watching. It was SO FUCKING PRECIOUS, I CAN'T. At one point, they all disappeared and then one of them came out to invite me to the Dance Party they were having in the bedroom. Their Grandpa Ron had put on the radio for them, they were rocking out to Hall and Oates and I was just so happy to be around them. I was happier at a 5 year old dance party than I have been around adults or people my age in MONTHS. I started teaching them dance steps and the enthusiasm they had for learning was so refreshing and I wish more than anything that adults could retain this natural ability. And then they made a point of telling everyone that they had a dance teacher and showing off what they learned. The furniture in my grandma's room was rattling all to fuck from their never-ending stomps and jumps on the wooden floor, they were just so happy and alive and I haven't seen that in anyone lately.
We came back home and played a round of Mario Party before my sister went to bed and Jason and I settled in to watch How The Ghosts Stole Christmas. I thought about it and god, I'm not sure exactly but I'm pretty sure this is my 10th year doing this. Or maybe it's the 9th. Because I know the first time was in my old childhood home, which we moved out of when I was 14 I think. BUT GOD IT'S A LOT OF YEARS. ♥ And I found myself thinking about how the core of it is always the same, but changes slightly - I've watched it alone, with my sister, at a few different homes, in my grandma's basement, and this year with my boyfriend. And I think it's a small thing to try for in life, too - keep the things that matter at the heart of it, and let the smaller changes on the fringe occur and change as you grow. I hate change so it's easier said than done, clearly, but it's a thought I guess.
He kissed me on the "...merry little Christmas now" before the credits rolled. "Merry Christmas, love," he said, and Mulder and Scully opening their tiny gifts through the snow-filled window prompted us to open ours through our snowless one. It was such a sweet thing to tack onto the end of my tradition and I'd like to make it a permanent part. He had agonized about how he's so bad at wrapping presents but they were PERFECT and BEAUTIFUL and I LOVE how much he cares about aesthetics all the time. No, really. He gave me one to open first, and after I peeled off the fucking CLASSY black and silver paper, there was a silver box with a glitter top. I took the top off and there was striped black and silver tissue paper, IT WAS ALL SO FUCKING MATCHY AND PERFECT. And you guys, he got me a black scarf and photographer gloves - meaning the tips of pointer and thumb fingers peel back and there are MAGNETS to make them stick so you can have the tips of your two working fingers free. He said he noticed how I'd always have to take my gloves off to use my camera and now I don't have to. He gave me the other box to open and IT WAS A FUCKING MACRO LENS. HE IS THE BEST. HE IS THE BEST. HE IS THE BEST. "It made me sad when you never opened your new camera and started shooting again because I didn't want you to feel like I was trying to push you with this or anything, because I wasn't, and I'm just happy you opened it on your own. And I can't wait to see what you do with this." ♥ God I HAVE WANTED ONE FOREVAR, it was the next camera-related thing I wanted to buy but I couldn't afford it and it just means so much to me that he's so supportive of the photography and art thing. He is wonderful and I'm really in love with him right now. I only say "right now" because sometimes I just freak out and it's my own issue. But this whole weekend it's just been so easy.
Today (Christmas), we got up early because we had to be to his mom's by noon. We were a little late but it was no big thing. She had a glass of white wine waiting for me and her little puppeh was jumping all over the place. Sometimes when we go over there it can get a bit tense because she and Jason's stepdad had a lot of problems, but now that they are getting a divorce it seems to have cleared a bit. There was not one fight or awkward moment and it was really refreshing because I used to dread going. Everything was decorated beautifully and she got me a card and a little angel made of wire and clay - "Thank you for taking care of and loving my son!" His stepdad thanked me as we were leaving for making Jason so happy. It was lovely. And dinner was great.
Then we went to my mom's side for MOAR DINNER. Moar Christmas Story on TV, and moar dinner. My grandparents are the fucking CUTEST, and take such good care of us. My grandma is so tiny and sweet and my grandpa was dressed like such a classy boss and oh man I love them. She got my sister and me gift cards to Victoria's Secret, "so we can get a new bra or something", and LMAO when my grandpa was talking to Jason about his recovery, Jas said that I took good care of him and gave him his medicine and all, my grandpa was like, "Does Lissie wear a ~sexy little nurse outfit~ for this, lol" JKHASFLJHKA LOL, LOL. I just love them. And the food was even BETTAR.
I had another issue with my mom, I feel glaringly overlooked/cast aside and I can never make her understand why or get through to her because she just victimizes herself. Jas and I used his tiredness and throat pain as an excuse to leave early because I was definitely going to start crying and didn't want to ruin Christmas. I just... IDK what's going to happen with that. And then my sister came home, we were going to watch Sex and the City but she is so fucking lazy and entitled that I ended up just coming to my room. So I guess Christmas weekend began better than it ended, but.
I hope you all had a wonderful holiday!
P.S., we have NO SNOW ON THE GROUND THIS YEAR, IT'S SO WEIRD.
Friday night, a group of my friends and I went to that polka bar again so I suppose we're fashioning it into a new December 23 tradition. We had so much fun and a bunch of new people came by, including Max who I have not seen in like 5 years. So it was fun to talk to him, and a few guys from the movie came as well. I was kind of butthurt though because they didn't have whatever I drank last year and THAT WAS MY FAVORITE PART. I asked the bartender for their list of Christmas drinks and he was like, "We don't have one." like a total prick. So I asked him to just use his judgment and make me something warm and Christmassy, a spiked cider or something, and he was like, "We don't have cider." So I just got a fucking Captain/Coke, and after that a beer graciously appeared in front of my person. But then I ordered a Grumplemint shot and it was only my second one of life but it was far more successful. THEN I GOT STRAIGHT GOLDSCHLAGER, WHICH IS TOTAL CHRISTMAS. So it didn't turn out too bad but I wish they would have had that holiday warmth that flowed like a fountain last year.
Lindsey and I rocked ugly sweaters, Kiel and I argued a lot, you know, the usual, but the multitude of hugs totally negated it. Although the first thing he said to me when he got there was, "Oh hey! Where's Brendan and why isn't your tongue down his throat?" in front of EVERYONE. Because last year at this ~event~, I slyly made out with him in the car but it turns out it apparently wasn't so sly. IDK but it was UNCOOL. People were far more chill about it than I was, lol. Max asked me if I had seen the documentary about Helvetica and I was NOT AWARE THERE WAS SUCH A THING! On my list immediately! I'm kind of into documentaries lately - I watched Sicko and Zoo this past week, which were both awesome. We talked a little about the movie and how it turned out, and oh I was so pissed - I purposely brought my big purse so I could bring my camera and I was so excited because the pictures from last year were SO cute but then I turned it on and the battery was dead. Which was technically my own fault but I really don't blame myself. It was traumatic enough having to get a new camera, which had been sitting in the box out of spite up until just before I left that night, and I was kind of frantic about getting it open and ready. So, bummer. :( But it was fun - I love that group of people because everyone is really smart and/or artistic.
Last night (Christmas Eve), my sister, Jason, and I went to my dad's side for dinner. This was the first year ever that we didn't have to leave early to go to something on my mom's. Basically we ate a lot and watched A Christmas Story because it is hugely epic and ingrained on that side of the family especially. We are obsessed with it. Then all the little girls got there - they aren't my technical cousins, they're my dad's cousins' kids so I'm not sure what they are to me but ANYWAY. SO CUTE. They are ages like, 3-6, they were shy at first but of course they ended up hanging all over me and my sister, and eventually Jason too. It made me so happy to watch. He pulled up Santa Tracker on his computer for them and then had the cutest bit where he was purposely mixing up all the holidays --
Jason: "So a bunny's bringing you presents tonight?"
Kids: "NO!!!!! LOLOL! SANTA IS!!!!"
Jason: "I thought Santa took you trick or treating!!"
Kids: "NO!! LOLOL, THAT'S HALLOWEEEEN!"
Jason: "No!! Halloween is where you look for hidden eggs!"
Kids: "LOL, NOOOOOOOO!!!!!1 LOL, LOL."
-- and they were laughing so much and omg I died, DIED. And then he told them he knew how to count, so he started from zero and when he skipped 4 and then 6, and then 8, 9, and 10, they thought he was SO stupid but he just smiled and looked at me out of the corner of his eye because I knew he was counting prime numbers. ♥ Teagan, who is, god, four or five years old? IDK but she says, "DON'T tell him this, but... (leans into my ear and whispers) are you a girl in love??" Oh. My. God. I told her I was and then I told Jason what she said and he got all, "*GASP*!!!" about it and she was like, "THIS IS EXACTLY WHY I TOLD YOU NOT TO TELL HIM!!!" SDLKFHAJLKH. And then she turns to him and goes, "Is she gonna live with you tonight?" LOL oh my god oh my god. It was like the highlight of my holiday. They love us on Christmas, we see them like twice a year and their parents made a point of telling us how we're a staple in their Christmas scrapbook and they always look at it and "miss their friends". ♥
Another cousin's daughter, Sienna, is SO tame in comparison, she's so beautiful also and she sat right up next to me, cuddled her tiny self in and was watching the movie. And every once in awhile she'd just look up and me and say, "I like sitting with you like this" and then just keep watching. It was SO FUCKING PRECIOUS, I CAN'T. At one point, they all disappeared and then one of them came out to invite me to the Dance Party they were having in the bedroom. Their Grandpa Ron had put on the radio for them, they were rocking out to Hall and Oates and I was just so happy to be around them. I was happier at a 5 year old dance party than I have been around adults or people my age in MONTHS. I started teaching them dance steps and the enthusiasm they had for learning was so refreshing and I wish more than anything that adults could retain this natural ability. And then they made a point of telling everyone that they had a dance teacher and showing off what they learned. The furniture in my grandma's room was rattling all to fuck from their never-ending stomps and jumps on the wooden floor, they were just so happy and alive and I haven't seen that in anyone lately.
We came back home and played a round of Mario Party before my sister went to bed and Jason and I settled in to watch How The Ghosts Stole Christmas. I thought about it and god, I'm not sure exactly but I'm pretty sure this is my 10th year doing this. Or maybe it's the 9th. Because I know the first time was in my old childhood home, which we moved out of when I was 14 I think. BUT GOD IT'S A LOT OF YEARS. ♥ And I found myself thinking about how the core of it is always the same, but changes slightly - I've watched it alone, with my sister, at a few different homes, in my grandma's basement, and this year with my boyfriend. And I think it's a small thing to try for in life, too - keep the things that matter at the heart of it, and let the smaller changes on the fringe occur and change as you grow. I hate change so it's easier said than done, clearly, but it's a thought I guess.
He kissed me on the "...merry little Christmas now" before the credits rolled. "Merry Christmas, love," he said, and Mulder and Scully opening their tiny gifts through the snow-filled window prompted us to open ours through our snowless one. It was such a sweet thing to tack onto the end of my tradition and I'd like to make it a permanent part. He had agonized about how he's so bad at wrapping presents but they were PERFECT and BEAUTIFUL and I LOVE how much he cares about aesthetics all the time. No, really. He gave me one to open first, and after I peeled off the fucking CLASSY black and silver paper, there was a silver box with a glitter top. I took the top off and there was striped black and silver tissue paper, IT WAS ALL SO FUCKING MATCHY AND PERFECT. And you guys, he got me a black scarf and photographer gloves - meaning the tips of pointer and thumb fingers peel back and there are MAGNETS to make them stick so you can have the tips of your two working fingers free. He said he noticed how I'd always have to take my gloves off to use my camera and now I don't have to. He gave me the other box to open and IT WAS A FUCKING MACRO LENS. HE IS THE BEST. HE IS THE BEST. HE IS THE BEST. "It made me sad when you never opened your new camera and started shooting again because I didn't want you to feel like I was trying to push you with this or anything, because I wasn't, and I'm just happy you opened it on your own. And I can't wait to see what you do with this." ♥ God I HAVE WANTED ONE FOREVAR, it was the next camera-related thing I wanted to buy but I couldn't afford it and it just means so much to me that he's so supportive of the photography and art thing. He is wonderful and I'm really in love with him right now. I only say "right now" because sometimes I just freak out and it's my own issue. But this whole weekend it's just been so easy.
Today (Christmas), we got up early because we had to be to his mom's by noon. We were a little late but it was no big thing. She had a glass of white wine waiting for me and her little puppeh was jumping all over the place. Sometimes when we go over there it can get a bit tense because she and Jason's stepdad had a lot of problems, but now that they are getting a divorce it seems to have cleared a bit. There was not one fight or awkward moment and it was really refreshing because I used to dread going. Everything was decorated beautifully and she got me a card and a little angel made of wire and clay - "Thank you for taking care of and loving my son!" His stepdad thanked me as we were leaving for making Jason so happy. It was lovely. And dinner was great.
Then we went to my mom's side for MOAR DINNER. Moar Christmas Story on TV, and moar dinner. My grandparents are the fucking CUTEST, and take such good care of us. My grandma is so tiny and sweet and my grandpa was dressed like such a classy boss and oh man I love them. She got my sister and me gift cards to Victoria's Secret, "so we can get a new bra or something", and LMAO when my grandpa was talking to Jason about his recovery, Jas said that I took good care of him and gave him his medicine and all, my grandpa was like, "Does Lissie wear a ~sexy little nurse outfit~ for this, lol" JKHASFLJHKA LOL, LOL. I just love them. And the food was even BETTAR.
I had another issue with my mom, I feel glaringly overlooked/cast aside and I can never make her understand why or get through to her because she just victimizes herself. Jas and I used his tiredness and throat pain as an excuse to leave early because I was definitely going to start crying and didn't want to ruin Christmas. I just... IDK what's going to happen with that. And then my sister came home, we were going to watch Sex and the City but she is so fucking lazy and entitled that I ended up just coming to my room. So I guess Christmas weekend began better than it ended, but.
I hope you all had a wonderful holiday!
P.S., we have NO SNOW ON THE GROUND THIS YEAR, IT'S SO WEIRD.