Fic: Behind Every Dark Cloud, There's a Rainbow (Eventually) Part 2

[lissa_ann]

September 9

Spent some time with Jared today. Wow. Talk about a whirlwind afternoon. He's got the energy of a five-year-old…just keeps going and going.

Jared asked me today about Steve and I just couldn't talk about it. I couldn't believe he remembered, after just mentioning it in passing. Looks like I'll have to be a lot more careful around him. Can't let him see, can't let him know.

He sketched me. He took a pencil and drew me. He said he started to just kinda draw and then my face appeared in his head and he just had to draw me. He told me I had a beautiful profile. WHAT? ME? It just…I can't see me in it. I see a face that he sketched, and it's a nice sketch, but it's not me. He said he'd been staring at me at our last class. I kinda noticed, but didn't really say anything. He's weird like that. At first, he wouldn't let me see it. I said it was only fair. I mean, I'm putting myself out there in a way I don't normally ever do, so it's only fair that he shows me something that he's not comfortable with.

He wants to get together tomorrow and just talk. About what? I don't think I can make a whole afternoon's worth of small talk. It'll get awkward, and then it'll get silent, and then it'll be time for me to go and that will be the end of it. I told him I'm not good with people, that I don't really make friends.

I didn't even mention in my last entry that he hugged me when I left when I was with him the other day. I didn't know what to do…I just froze. Hands at my side, getting a bear hug from this giant who had absolutely no clue about personal space. He apologized afterward, but I did ask him if he could not do that again. He seemed to be a little disappointed, but he's been trying hard to respect me when I tell him I'm uncomfortable with something. I can't do hugging. Not yet. No way.

He asked me if I was trying to push him away. I told him I don't know, but yeah, to be honest, I am. I can't go through this again. I can't. I can't take the crushing blow in realizing someone doesn't want to talk to you anymore. If I don't push, he'll get close enough to hurt. And I can't let that happen. In the way he said it, it kinda seemed like he knew I was trying, but was giving me an opportunity to say no and make me really think about it. Yes, I think I’m trying to push him away, but only for my own sanity.



"Good morning, Jensen," Tracy greeted him. "How are we doing this morning?"

"We? I don't know about you, but I'm about baseline."

"C'mon. What have we talked about you using clinical terms to describe how you're feeling?"

Jensen let out a long sigh. "Not to."

"So…let's try again. How are we doing this morning?"

"Again, we?" He chuckled a little. "I don't know, Trace. Okay, I guess."

"How's the class going?"

Jensen rolled his eyes. "It's fine."

"Have you been keeping up with it?"

"Yeah, I'm making the effort. Not quite sure why I'm making the effort, but I am."

"Do you think you'll bring your journal in, so we can talk about what you write?"

"Why do I need to bring it in? Why can't I just tell you?"

"Because you could leave something out. Sometimes the way we word things have an impact on what we're saying."

"You're going to try and read into everything I say in there."

"I just want to hear how you're writing when you're thinking about it. Doesn't matter how silly or how weird."

"Maybe next week. We'll see."

"So what have you been journaling about?"

Jensen blushed. "Stuff."

Tracy smiled. "Any of that stuff about Jared?"

"Some. A little."

"What do you think that means?"

"I don't know. I don't know what he wants from me and I don't know how comfortable I feel around him."

"What if he's being truthful? What if he really just wants to be your friend?"

"It can't be that simple."

"Why not?"

"Because…because it never is."

"What if you tried to take Jared at face value, see what he might have to offer?"

"He wants something. I don't know what it is, but he wants something. No one offers their friendship without a reason."

"You're being awfully cynical."

"Why shouldn't I be? What have friendships brought me?"

"I think they've brought you a lot. More than you realize. What about Chris?"

Jensen shrugged. "Yeah, I guess. But I'm not always truthful with him."

"Why not?"

"Same reason I wasn't truthful with Steve. No one wants to hear me being all depressed and about wanting to cut myself and about wanting to kill myself. They don't need that."

"What if they do want to know, so that they can help you?"

"Yeah. Because Steve deciding not to talk to me anymore is him wanting to help me. That's complete bullshit. And I can't do that to Chris. I can't keep piling all of this on him and he's four states away and he can't help. What happens when he gets sick of me? Then I have no one, all over again."

"So you're not even willing to give Jared a chance then? This could be something very positive for you."

"I don't know. We'll see. I told him we'd spend the afternoon together tomorrow."

"Then that's part of your homework for this week. Spend the time with him. Try not to be so cynical."

"I thought my journal was my homework."

"It is. But it's time for more."

"Trace, please. Don't make me do this."

"I know you can, Jensen." Jensen just stared at her like she had three heads. "You need to do this." They both stood. "Remember to keep writing in your journal and try to remember to bring it into session next week."

"Later, Trace." Jensen opened the door, walked out of the office and out to his car. "Really?" he said out loud, to no one. He sighed. Well, this is why he was in therapy. He pulled out his cell phone. He dialed Jared's number. "Hey, Jared."

"Hey, Jen."

"I'm about to head over there. Is that okay?"

"Sure thing. I'll order the pizza now and it should be here by the time you get here. Anything in particular you'd like?"

"Um, anything without anchovies or peppers."

"You got it. See you soon."

"See you in a bit."



Jensen got to Jared's just as the pizza was arrived. "Oh, that smells good. What did you get?"

"Basic pepperoni. I didn't want to get too exotic without knowing what you really liked."

"Thanks, Jared."

"Welcome. I'll be right back with some plates and the Cokes."

Jensen nodded. As Jared walked into the kitchen, Jensen perused the walls. There were a lot of pictures of Jared and his family on the walls, as well as Jared with a petite brunette, her arm wrapped around his waist. They looked happy. He wondered what the story was there.

As promised, Jared returned almost immediately with the plates and sodas. "Great pictures, huh?"

"Who's this pretty girl?"

Jared smiled broadly. "My best friend out in California, Sandy."

"You almost look like you were dating her."

"I was. Until I figured out that I liked guys more. She was upset at the breakup but understood why I had to do it. But she's been so, so supportive of me. She comes out a few times a year to see me, and we talk at least once a week on the phone. She's found a nice guy who treats her well, and really, that's all I want for her."

"Sounds like you guys parted on good terms."

"Yeah, we did, and I'm really lucky. Things really could have really gone a different way."

Jared sat down on the couch and motioned for Jensen to join him. Jensen grabbed a plate and a couple of slices of pizza. The two ate quietly, simple banter running between them. Once they were finished with the pizza, Jared brought it back into the kitchen into the refrigerator and put the plates into the sink.

"So, how are you doing today?"

"Okay, I guess," Jensen answered. "How about you?"

"Doing pretty well. Having a good day so far." He smiled. "And now it's gotten even better."

"What have you done?"

"Oh, did some cleaning…couldn't let you see the place like it was earlier today…and talked to a couple of friends. My friends work weird hours, so they call while I'm home. I did a little bit of studying and some lesson plans, too. Full morning. What have you been up to?"

"I had…an appointment this morning, That's pretty much all I've done so far. My body is still really used to working second shift, so I go to sleep late and wake up late."

"Second shift. That must have been tough."

"Well, at first it was really great. I'd get to do things during the day like go shopping or DMV or whatever and not have to worry about lines or tons of people. And I'd get together with Steve for lunch a couple times a week. Sometimes I'd log on and talk to Chris…most of the time, he worked at night, with his band, so he was home." Jensen took a swig of Coke. "But then, it started to have its downside. I couldn't see what family I have up here because they were always working when I was at home and vice versa. It got to the point where I was just exhausted - sleep, work, maybe eat, sleep, shower, work and so on. That's the reason I'm not working right now. I just go too burned out. I couldn’t handle it anymore."

Jared looked at him. "You know, that's probably the most you've said to me since we met in class." He chuckled. "I'm glad to hear you're talking. I like hearing you talk." Jared took a drink. "Sounds like you had a rough time there at the end."

"Yeah. I got suspended for not having my documentation done right. It was so humiliating."

"Is that why you're not working? The burnout caused you problems at work?"

"Um. Damn. Didn't mean to talk so much."

"It's okay, Jensen. I'm not going to judge you. It sounds understandable. An ER is full of stress, and then putting your body clock on a different schedule than usual…how long did you hang in there for?"

"Nine years. I felt like a failure, though, because there are nurses who have been there a lot longer than I have."

"Hey, you're not a failure for that. You did what you could until you couldn't anymore. I'm sure you helped a ton of people."

"Yeah, I guess. Sometimes I miss it, miss the feeling of helping people, but most of the time, I just feel relieved of all that pressure."

Jared nodded. "I can only imagine."

"So, what about you? TAing must be a little tough."

"Eh, it's teaching," Jared chuckled. "I work with the beginning levels a lot, so it's more working on things like child psychology and English. It's not brain surgery."

Jensen laughed as well. "How many kids?"

"About 30. If it were a higher level course, I'd have a much smaller load because it would need to be more individualized, but at the beginning it's okay to work with a bigger group."

"Do you have office hours and everything?"

"Yeah, I do. I like helping the kids. I know what it's like to be there and not understand something and need it to be explained in a different manner but not wanting to ask in class."

Jensen nodded. "Yeah, had to do some of that in my college career, as well. I thought about teaching, something along the lines of biology or something, but I could just never get through having to teach a class. We'd do class projects and I'd just freeze. I dropped out of public speaking two days in. So I changed to nursing. Then there were no more group projects. It boiled down to bio, chem., anatomy, physiology, clinical rotations. Which was a different load to tackle."

"Why did you pick the ER?"

"My mom is a psych nurse. I had thought about that, but she always came home with these horror stories of patients who needed to be restrained and who wouldn't cooperate and I could see all of the patients coming back in over and over again, never seeming like they were getting any better. At least with the ER, in general, you could see people improving."

"But I'm sure some people died, too."

"Yeah. Those are always tough, but you just move to the next patient. The adrenaline rush rocked and not knowing what was happening next made things interesting. In the beginning, it was like every day was a new adventure.."

"Sounds like things have been tough."

He paused and nodded. "Yeah."

"But, you're here. That must have taken some guts."

Jensen sat quietly for a few minutes and looked down. "I don't know if strength was what it was. I just pushed through, did what I needed to do."

"Wow. That's pretty impressive. I don't think I'd make it."

"Heh. You'd be surprised what you can do when you're pushed."

"Want another Coke?" Jared offered.

"Yeah, that'd be great."

Jared walked into the kitchen with the empties and grabbed two new bottles.

"Thanks, man."

"No problem." Jared opened his soda, took a sip, and then looked at Jensen, trying to make eye contact. "Jen? Why do you have a problem making friends? What's happened?"

Jensen hesitated. "I don't know…," he started.

"I'm not going to judge you, Jen," Jared said softly. "Everyone's been through hard periods and been hurt by people."

"Yeah. But most people aren't as stupid as I am."

"C'mon, Jen, don't say that. You're not stupid."

Jensen let out a strangled chuckle. "You haven't heard the story yet."

"Tell me."

Jensen stayed quiet for a few minutes. "No, I can't," he said softly.

"Hey, it's okay. No pressure. You'll tell me when you're ready."

"Might not be ready," Jensen answered.

"We'll see." Jared grinned. "Hey, how about we watch a movie; give you a break from talking."

"What have you got?"

Jared ran down the list of movies, and they settled on The Punisher. They sat there, talking throughout the movie, laughing and making comments where appropriate.

After the movie finished, Jensen looked over at Jared. "Do you mind if we call it a day? I'm sort of tired, what with all of this talking and everything. I've still got a couple things to do, too."

"You know, Jen, you don't have to lie to me anymore. If you want to leave, that's fine. Just let me know."

"I'd like to get going for now."

Jared walked him to the door.

"I'll call tomorrow," Jensen said.

"Take care, Jensen. And thank you for coming over."

"Thank you, Jared." He gave a little wave and got into his car.



"Good morning, Jensen," Tracy said as she ushered him into the office.

"Hi Tracy." He held up his journal. "See? I brought it."

"Good! Now, you need to share it with me."

"Can't I just give it to you and let you read it?"

"No. I want to hear it in your voice, from you."

Jensen sighed as he read his recent entries, including his writing about Jared.

"You're going to meet him today?"

"Yeah, pretty much as soon as I leave."

"Why do you think he's wrong about what he thinks?"

"C'mon, Trace. You're kidding, right? I'm not that fascinating."

"Apparently you are to Jared. You know Jensen, and this has been talked about before, you need to work on your self-identity. You are not your hospitalization. You are not your therapy. You are not the failure you think you are. You've made a lot of progress and worked very hard to do so."

"Progress? Yeah, right. I'm still here, aren't I?"

"There's nothing wrong with being in therapy. Most people could use to be in therapy for a while. Things are kind of calm for you right now; this is a good time to look at chronic issues, things that will take longer than a session or two to work on. And your self-image and self-esteem - this is a great time to work on those, as you embark on a new friendship. Jared could teach you a lot. I said that from the beginning. Give Jared the benefit of the doubt."

"The last time I gave someone the benefit of the doubt, they decided that I was too emotionally dependent and that they no longer wanted to keep the promises they made to me."

"Jensen, you can't let that color all of your interactions. Not everything is going to end up like that."

"I can't handle it if it does! It's happened once and I'm barely over it! What if Jared screws me over, too?"

"It doesn't sound like he's out to do that."

"It didn't sound like Sam would do that, either, at the beginning."

"Jensen. You've got to start to trust again. Trusting is a good thing. Friendships are a good thing."

"And if things fall apart?"

"You'll pick yourself back up, dust yourself off and go from there. Just like you have in the past."

"I can't keep doing this, Trace. Sometimes it's time to say enough is enough."

"Let me toss something out here. It's something we haven't talked about in a couple of sessions. How are your cutting urges?"

Jensen stared at Tracy. "Um, well…"

"They're decreasing, aren't they? The more time you spend with Jared, the less time you have to think about all of these negative things about yourself. And your suicidal thoughts?"

"Yeah, them too. Jared makes me smile, every once in a while. I just wish I knew what I did to draw his attention."

"Jensen, don't look this in the mouth. Take it for what it is. It's an offer of friendship. It's the chance to connect with someone. You need that. You need to make those connections. It really will help stabilize things for you. Honest."

"I don't always believe you, Tracy. I know you know that."

"Has much of what I said been wrong?"

Jensen sighed. "No, I guess not."

"Okay. Get out of here, then. Go see Jared and make sure to journal when you get home, first thoughts you have, don't censor them."

"And you want me to bring it in next week, don't you?"

"Yes, I do. I want to hear more about Jared, and what kind of impact he's having on you. I think he's already having more of an influence than you'd like to admit."

"Let's not go there, Trace. Not right now."

"I'm not going to forget this."

"I know you won't. I can always count on you for that."

"See you next week, Jensen."

"Yeah, see ya, Trace."



Jared walked into the classroom just minutes after Jensen arrived. Jensen looked nervous, eyes darting around everywhere, until he saw Jared and smiled. "Hey," he said quietly.

"Hey," Jared answered. "How you doing?"

"Um, okay, I guess. You?"

"I missed you yesterday. I was hoping that maybe you'd come back over."

"I…um, I couldn't. Nothing against you."

"I understand." Jared made eye contact with Jensen. "You sure you're okay?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I am."

"Coffee after class?"

"I'd like that."

"Cool."

As with each other class, time flew by, however, Jared felt like each minute was passing as slowly as it possibly could. He wanted to get out of the classroom and be with Jensen. When the instructor finally dismissed them, Jared jumped up. "Hey, how about you come back to my place instead of going to the coffeehouse?"

Jensen hedged for a minute. "Are you sure?"

"Jen, I wouldn't have asked you if I didn't want you there."

"Okay. Okay, that sounds good."

They got into their cars and drove to Jared's. Jared ducked into the kitchen to make coffee. "Usual?"

"Yeah, black, three sugars."

"You got it."

Jared carefully carried the cups into the living room.

"Thanks."

Jared smiled. "I'm glad you agreed to come back home with me."

"I, uh…,"

"What?"

His voice barely above a whisper, Jensen said, "I missed you too yesterday."

"Really?" Jared said with a small smile on his face.

"Yeah, really. You seem surprised."

"Well, I am, a little. But glad. See? No reason to be scared. I'm still here."

Jensen took a sip of his coffee and sat there for a long moment. "So," he started, in an attempt to change the subject, "how long have you lived here?"

"Well, I lived on campus for undergrad. Then once I decided I liked it here, I rented the house. Most likely I'll buy something around here. Well, if I get the chance. Been here, oh, I don't know…year and a half or so."

"No roommates? Seems like a big place to have all by yourself."

"I gave it a shot…," Jared answered.

"But?"

"He had the problem with me, when he found out I'm gay."

"Ouch. Sorry to hear that."

"Which part? The roommate who didn't work out, or that I'm gay?" And again, there was that smile.

"The roommate. I didn't mean to imply…,"

"No, it's okay. I'm just being a little obnoxious, sorry." He sat down on the other end of the couch and turned the TV on. It was in the third inning, Rangers up and leading the Sox 1-0. "So, do you live by yourself?"

"Yeah. Have since…I dunno. 2004?"

"You don't remember how long you've lived by yourself?"

"It's…complicated," Jensen replied, trying to dodge the question.

"It can't be that complicated."

"How about I don't want to talk about it?"

"Okay. So is there anything you will talk about?" The sound of frustration crept into Jared's voice.

"I'm not real good at this. As you've seen, I kinda keep to myself."

"Okay…how about I ask the questions and you can answer if you're comfortable.."

Jensen took a minute to think, then nodded. "Okay. I get to say no to anything."

"Fair enough. Let's start simple. Tell me about your family."

"That's simple?" Jensen asked with a raised eyebrow. He chuckled. "Okay. Older brother and younger sister. Josh and Megan."

"Hey! I have an older brother and younger sister, too! Jeff and Mackenzie! How's that for coincidence?"

"Wow. Weird."

"See? We were meant to be friends. Both from Texas, both have an older brother whose name begins with J and a younger sister whose name begins with M…it's fate!"

Jensen had to chuckle at Jared's logic. "Okay, well, that is a bunch of coincidences."

"So, you said the last time we talked that you're taking a break from nursing…what are you doing now?" Jared took a long swallow of beer.

Jensen hedged. "Not much. I have some vacation time and some savings, so I'm just trying to figure out what's next."

"You don't want to go back into nursing?"

"Um. No, not right now." He looked away from Jared. "Hey, I'm getting a little uncomfortable about this."

"Right. Sorry." Jared held up his bottle to toast Jensen. "Here's to new friends."

"I think you're supposed to toast before you take a sip."

"I always do things a little differently."

"I bet you do, Jared." He took a drink. "So, how about a tour of your place? Since you didn't show me around the last time."

"Sure!" Jared walked him around the house, showing off his favorite features of the place.

"A pool table?"

"Yeah, isn't it awesome?"

"I didn't know you played pool," Jensen responded.

"Why, do you play?"

"Bet your ass I do."

"Oh, it is so on." Jared racked up the balls and let Jensen break. Comfortable banter about the pool game played back and forth between them. This, this is what I want to see, Jared thought. This is Jensen less guarded. He knew from this that he wanted to make Jensen as comfortable as he was at this point anytime he came over to the house.

After Jensen beat the pants off of Jared best two out of three, Jensen had told Jared he needed to head home.

"Thanks for coming over, Jensen. I've had a good time today."

"Yeah, me too. I'll see you later, Jared."



September 12

Wow.

I actually spent an afternoon with Jared and it wasn't uncomfortable. And I was able to admit that I had missed him. We've been getting together just about every day now, and it did feel weird not to spend time with him yesterday.

But today was good. It was low-key and there were no expectations. I felt truly comfortable in his house. We didn't do anything major, just played pool but it was nice - it was what it had been like with Steve, when we were just getting to know each other. No deep talks, no soul-revealing secrets, just pool and some friendly chatter.

If I knew it could stay like this, it'd be fine. This could be all I'm looking for - someone to spend time with so that I'm not so alone during the day.

There's something about Jared, though. Like if I was going to trust someone, it would likely be him.

But no, that's not going to happen. I like Jared, which means I can't even think of letting him know about my past.





September 13

Ugh. I hate this time of year. Anniversary time. Let's see. Today would be…Kevin's birthday. He's 35 today.

Yes, damn it, I remember. I remember everything and how everything went down.

God, this is so hard.

His job became more important than I was and yet I hung in there for an extra year and a half, hoping that he'd change, that he'd figure out what was going on, see how unhappy I was. And he didn't. He didn't even care.

All of these anniversaries fall in this month. His birthday, the breakup, getting together with Sam. Then having my world fall apart. All in less than 30 days.

See, this, this is why I need to be alone. Things just fall apart so quickly.

And this is why I can't feel anything. It's just too hard.





September 15

Write a letter you know you will never send. Write it to anyone you like.

Well, that just opens a ton of doors, doesn't it?

Sam,

I hate you. I hate you so much I don't think that there are words enough to describe it. The problem is I shouldn't hate this much. It's not healthy to hate this much. But you, god, what you put me through.

You promised you'd be there. You promised we'd be together. You promised so much and dumb ass me believed you. I believed you!! You knew how upset I was about the breakup, you knew how hard it was for me, you knew what it was doing to me. You knew you were the light at the end of the tunnel for me. You knew you were the reason I was hanging on, pushing myself through. Fuck you. Fuck you, I trusted you, with my secrets, with my doubts, with my heart. And you fucking stomped on it like it was nothing.

I'm not the kind of person to wish bad things on people, but I wish that you're not happy, I hope things fall apart for you, I hope you feel what I felt when you decided that I was too much for you to handle. I hope you feel that heartache that I live with every day.

Jensen
-----
Jared,

What do you want from me? Why me, is an even better question. What the hell got into you to just come up to me and introduce yourself?

Yeah, so far it's been good. And I wish it could stay this way. Yes, superficial is what I work best with.

I know you said you've done this many times before, and I honestly can't understand why.

I wish I knew what you wanted from me, so I could just decide whether I want to give it or not. And then I could decide if I wanted to be around you or not.

Jensen



A few days had passed and Jared hadn't heard from Jensen. Jensen even skipped a class, which only made Jared worry even more. He had started by leaving normal messages for Jensen - "hey, how are you, let's get together" - but his calls quickly became more frequent and more worried.

"Jen, it's Jared. Could you just give me a call and let me know that you're alright?"

Jared became almost frantic after Jensen had missed class, but he was stuck. He had no idea where Jensen lived or anyone else who could get in contact with him. "Jen, please," he begged into his voicemail. "I'm really, really worried about you. Please, please just call and let me know you're okay, even if you just leave me a voicemail. Just let me hear from you."

Now all Jared could do was to wait. He hated waiting.



September 16

I haven't felt like writing, though I know I should be.

I haven't talked to Jared in over three days. I even blew off one of my classes. Jared's been leaving me messages, asking me to just call and let him know that I'm okay, but I'm not, so how can I?

Sure, I'm okay physically, and I'm sure that's what he means. I'm not cutting, like I would have before. But everything's too raw, too close to the surface right now. I could never keep it to myself, and I'm in no way ready to tell Jared about all of this stuff.

It hurts so much this time of year. Having your heart stomped on again and again in such a short period - god, it's been two years already - but it feels like it was yesterday. Sam meant so much to me. He was the one who helped me through the decision to break up with Kevin. When I was wavering, he told me that this was what needed to happen. He told me he'd be waiting for me. That we could be happy. That we had a future together.

When he told me that I was too emotionally dependent and that I needed to back off? It felt like a knife through my soul. It practically killed me. Why in the world would I want to put myself out there again, just to get thrown aside…no. No.

Yes, I'm skipping a session with you too, Tracy. I need to just sit with this, feel this, and then move on, just like every other year.





September 20

I should call Jared. He's stopped leaving messages for me - he's probably given up on me. But I should probably just let him know I'm not dead. I should go to class this week, too. I don't know.





September 21

Fine. I'll call him.



Jared jumped as his cell phone rang. He looked at the caller ID and couldn't believe the name he saw there. "Jensen?"

"Hey Jared."

"Where have you been? I've been so worried about you. I had no idea how else to get in contact with you and then when you didn't come to class…thank god you're okay."

"Sorry. This is…," he paused, "…a tough time of year for me."

"Is there anything I can help with?"

Jensen let out a short chuckle. "I appreciate the thought, but no. There's not really anyone who can help me with this."

"I'd like to try."

"It's okay. I'm okay." His voice lowered. "I'm sorry I worried you."

"I'm just glad you're okay. That's the most important thing. Will you be at class tomorrow?"

"Yeah, I think I will."

"I hope so. I've…well, I've missed you."

"Believe it or not, I've missed you too."

"Then why didn't you call?"

"I couldn’t. Please, just don't ask. I couldn't."

Jared hesitated, wanting to find out what was going on, but realizing that Jensen would only tell him when he was ready. "Okay, Jensen. So I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Yeah. How about pizza after class?"

"Sounds good. Okay. Well…take care, Jensen."

"See you tomorrow, Jared." Just before he hung up, he said, "Thank you."

"Bye Jen."

He knew he needed to make another call. He had to call Tracy. He knew she would be worried, too, but wouldn't professionally say that. He called and left a message on her voicemail, telling her that he'd be there for their normally scheduled session. Then he settled in, watching TV to pass the night.



"Tracy, I’m a mess."

"Hey, Jensen, it's okay." She motioned for him to sit. "I'm not surprised, but it's okay."

"I'm sorry I cancelled. I had a hard enough time writing in my journal, much less talking about it."

"Why not just bring your journal in and read from it?"

"It wasn't going to work. I was stuck, just like the past two years."

"Why do you hang onto this? Why do you get stuck each year?"

"We've gone over this. Because I can't let it happen again. And I'm afraid it might be."

"Jared."

"He kept calling, leaving messages, asking where I was and asking me to just call and let him know I was okay. It took me eight days before I could call him back. He sounded really freaked. It was almost like…"

"Almost like?"

"Almost like he cared."

"He probably does. You've been spending time with him and when someone you've been spending time with disappears into thin air, it would only make sense he'd be worried. Have you looked at it from Jared's point of view? Does he know where you live?" Jensen shook his head. "Think back to when you were friends with Steve. What would you have done if he had stopped calling for a few days."

"I'd been pissed off," he answered. "I'd be over at his place banging on his door."

"Now think about what it would be like if you didn't know where Steve lived and you hadn't heard from him. Do you see?"

Jensen grew quiet as he contemplated this. "Wow. I'm kind of an ass, huh?"

"Well, I don't think that's the word Jared would use, but to be honest, yeah."

"I apologized to him when I called for making him worry. He said he wanted to help, but I told him there was really no way he could."

"You didn't bring your journal with you this week."

"No. I didn't think of it."

"I think you're trying to avoid what you've been feeling. That's what these sessions are all about. Teach you how to cope with these feelings." She made a couple of notes on her pad. "Think maybe writing in your journal might have helped things?"

"Maybe."



September 22

I don't want to talk about what happened today.

So I'm going to work on one of the prompts Mr. Ward has given us. Let's see.

Write your own eulogy. Well, I've written the suicide note more than once, so let's see about the eulogy.

Jensen Ross Ackles died today from heartbreak after losing a friend.

No.

Jensen Ross Ackles died suddenly at his home today.

Jensen had previously been a nurse at Manchester Hospital in Manchester, CT. He is survived by his mother and father, brother Josh, sister Mackenzie, his grandparents and several aunts and uncles.

Jensen was

Jensen helped

Damn it. I can't even figure out my own eulogy. What would people say about me? I'm alone, lonely and haven't achieved anything in my life, outside of pointing out the obvious, that I'm crazy. You can't put "He spent six weeks at a psychiatric hospital" in your eulogy. You can't put "a nurse who fucked himself up completely so he lost all of his friends". In the end (ha!) no one cares about your education or what you did for work or where you had been.

This was a sucky prompt to try and write. I give up. At least for tonight.


Jensen didn't even realize he was crying.

Part Three