So ... I still have this LJ thing....

[lissa12982]

Hello!! It's been forever and a day since I have posted in this thing. I decided to write for ... ya know, I am not sure. I am just sitting here thinking. I have desperately try to avoid that these days. Today in particular. But... I have nothing more to clean in my house, not another article of clothing left to wash, I have successfully gotten rid of all of my "fat" clothes, and I have spent more money than I care to admit today because I decided that I had to restock my closet with clothes that fit me since I decided to rid myself of all of my "fat" clothes. It's now 11:30 and there is nothing more for me to do... so what happens... I think. My life has been in it's ups and downs lately. I am starting to plan my wedding... yay! That is exciting. I am trying on wedding dresses tomorrow. I tried one on Saturday and fell in love with it, so I am going back to the store with Mom and Dad tomorrow and hopefully my best friend/maid of honor if she should decide that she wants to reappear on the face of the earth. More on that issue later... as far as this dress I like.... I think it's the dress. That is the most positive thing going on right now. I am teaching for now... in kindergarten at the school that I student taught at. It's a good time. I love it. However, it's only temporary because I am teaching for a girl who is on maternity leave. Some days I am ok with it, other days it's hard as hell. I have a bond with these children and they with me... and I have to leave them in mid November. It's not fair to these children who depend on consistency and  routine... their whole world is going to change. As of November 15, I don't know what happens from there or where I go. At that point I enter the world of unemployment. Here I am with a college degree, and a teaching certificate, and no one seems to be hiring. It's scary as hell, especially since we are looking for a house/apartment to move into by this summer. I am so scared it is not funny. I feel like I am in real life suspense movie and there is no way to turn it off. I have been fighting anxiety attacks, and borderline depression fits and that is totally not me. I am a happy person, I can be loud and crazy, I am fun... I am me... not this weird shell of a person I am right now. I hate it! On top of that today is the first day of October... I hate October. It is a scary month. Three years ago, three very special people died in the month of October, and it seemed to consume my life and the pattern of fatality continued from that year on out. I flip out whenever Rob leaves me because I am afraid he will get into a car crash and die... I am scared when I drive, walk, or do anything in or near traffic, I get scared when my Mom leaves for work or comes home just a few minutes late... it's an odd feeling. So for the next thirty days, I will be of edge. What great timing! On top of everything else going on, Here comes October! Bastards!

Back to this whole best friend issue... sometimes it feels like people start to change almost over night and there is no explanation. That is what is going on. I am trying to figure it out myself... I feel like I talk to a brick wall with her sometimes because she is more stubborn than I am... but... I am working on it. I just need a little light at the end of the tunnel so that I know I am not wasting my time. I need my damn maid of honor to be herself again because let me tell you, it's really going to suck if I have to get another one. I worked on her for ten years to give her enough ammo to embarrass the hell out of me with her toast at the wedding. I can't just do that over night!! :)

Welllllll.... I guess I should head to bed. I am hungry but I am out of points and it's currently 11:52 so I am not eating a thing.

Goodnight! :)