And here I am...
So, it's been awhile between updates for me, but the time really just hasn't been here to do it. I remember at the beginning of this past semester when I said that I thought this semester's schedule and content would allow me to and give me a lot to write about. Believe me it has given me a lot to read about, but not nearly enough time. Finals were overwhelming to say the least, and while I was done well before most of the people I know, that's only because the School of Social Work basically moves up major course finals by a week. So, I spent the last 3 weeks of classes working and preparing for the multiple final papers I had to write and the one final exam. I pulled off the semester with all A's and one B. At first I was pissed because I missed my 4.0 again. I have yet to do that in a fall or spring semester And, while there have been many times that I was nowhere near it, every time I've been close I've missed it with a B that was very high. Now I'm not so pissed because when I look at this semester, even though I am being a lot more strong than I feel like being, I could very well have failed or dropped out. After all of that was over I was very thankful to be on break, but this year more than ever before I have learned just how bad my anxiety can be. Not knowing what Christmas would be like this year, especially when it is one of two holidays (the other being the 4th of July) that have a lot of family tradition in it for me, made the first two weeks of break for me absolutely crazy. Thankfully I had stuff to work on for Hope Haven before I could go home, Jenny came home from Iowa and spent a day with Steph and myself, my room needed some serious cleaning, and Kat came back for a day to keep me company and to relieve her insanity at home...haha...so I kept myself busy, which is good for me.
Anywho...I made it through Christmas. I saw my dad for the first time in over 3 months and I didn't yell at him or punch him, or any of the other various things that I have been afraid I would do for the last few weeks. As awful as Christmas day was and as horribly awkward as my entire family felt and as much tension as there was between my dad/grandparents (who are now deciding to support my dad)...and the REST of the family, it happened and there were no big fights. The REST of the family invited Jen over to my aunt Peggy's house afterwards so that she could still feel as a part of the Hatcher family which made me happy. That was the part of the day when I wasn't crying and I didn't feel like I was about to. My step-mom and I talked. I like the way she put it. She told me and she said she told my dad when they talked, that she hoped he had the most lonely Christmas he has ever had. While there is a big part of my heart that just breaks in two to think about that, I kinda hope the same thing. Not because I feel hateful, but because I want him to realize that he's made everything in his immediate and extended family the way that it is. For the first time since my parents were divorced and we were back in the states, my dad didn't pick me up on Christmas eve night/Christmas morning and take me to Macon. He didn't get to see his children on Christmas morning and when I had to see him at grandma and grandaddy's house, I didn't talk to him (which wasn't necessarily my intention, just the only way I could react...I freeze up when I have bad anxiety). The way he acted in response there, almost made me think he was getting it. I hope that not having all of those things, that seeing his kids for only 3 hours, and not picking me up, something that was tradition for the two of us and that I thought we would do until he or I died (even if I was married with kids someday), made him see how much he traded in for a girlfriend. But he did hug me, the only real contact we had all day...and honestly it was the best thing he could have given me for Christmas. I couldn't look him in the eye because I was crying and when he said I love you...all I could say was I love you back to him, but I hope he got the message. I hope he heard the "I wish you would act like it" message under the I love you.
Other than the whole dad ruined the family deal...don't get me wrong. My Christmas was alright. I am very thankful to have the biggest family in the world. You know how they say everything happens for a reason. Well, God gave me a monstrous family to be supportive in times like these. This is why I have step-parents and their extended families...and why even within dad's family...there are 5 or in this case 4 uncles and aunts who are there to give me a hug all the time, even unexpectedly for no real reason. It's nice and it's comforting...something that doesn't happen a lot these days. I have a hugenormous friend family and that is amazing. Yet again, I don't know how I would live through everything if I didn't have friends who were there for me and put up with me and my current depressive state. Ha...I love you all. So, I am very thankful for a lot, even if it's not thanksgiving! I feel like that's kinda how I have to start every day...thinking about what I do have and what I am thankful for. Which is why I am right here right now...I just woke up...this is my start to the day...now I need food.
Anywho...I made it through Christmas. I saw my dad for the first time in over 3 months and I didn't yell at him or punch him, or any of the other various things that I have been afraid I would do for the last few weeks. As awful as Christmas day was and as horribly awkward as my entire family felt and as much tension as there was between my dad/grandparents (who are now deciding to support my dad)...and the REST of the family, it happened and there were no big fights. The REST of the family invited Jen over to my aunt Peggy's house afterwards so that she could still feel as a part of the Hatcher family which made me happy. That was the part of the day when I wasn't crying and I didn't feel like I was about to. My step-mom and I talked. I like the way she put it. She told me and she said she told my dad when they talked, that she hoped he had the most lonely Christmas he has ever had. While there is a big part of my heart that just breaks in two to think about that, I kinda hope the same thing. Not because I feel hateful, but because I want him to realize that he's made everything in his immediate and extended family the way that it is. For the first time since my parents were divorced and we were back in the states, my dad didn't pick me up on Christmas eve night/Christmas morning and take me to Macon. He didn't get to see his children on Christmas morning and when I had to see him at grandma and grandaddy's house, I didn't talk to him (which wasn't necessarily my intention, just the only way I could react...I freeze up when I have bad anxiety). The way he acted in response there, almost made me think he was getting it. I hope that not having all of those things, that seeing his kids for only 3 hours, and not picking me up, something that was tradition for the two of us and that I thought we would do until he or I died (even if I was married with kids someday), made him see how much he traded in for a girlfriend. But he did hug me, the only real contact we had all day...and honestly it was the best thing he could have given me for Christmas. I couldn't look him in the eye because I was crying and when he said I love you...all I could say was I love you back to him, but I hope he got the message. I hope he heard the "I wish you would act like it" message under the I love you.
Other than the whole dad ruined the family deal...don't get me wrong. My Christmas was alright. I am very thankful to have the biggest family in the world. You know how they say everything happens for a reason. Well, God gave me a monstrous family to be supportive in times like these. This is why I have step-parents and their extended families...and why even within dad's family...there are 5 or in this case 4 uncles and aunts who are there to give me a hug all the time, even unexpectedly for no real reason. It's nice and it's comforting...something that doesn't happen a lot these days. I have a hugenormous friend family and that is amazing. Yet again, I don't know how I would live through everything if I didn't have friends who were there for me and put up with me and my current depressive state. Ha...I love you all. So, I am very thankful for a lot, even if it's not thanksgiving! I feel like that's kinda how I have to start every day...thinking about what I do have and what I am thankful for. Which is why I am right here right now...I just woke up...this is my start to the day...now I need food.