(no subject)
I wish I could say something profound as I re-read my old journal entries but all it does is give me a slight chill. All i remember is this feeling i will never ever shake this feeling of helplessness so irreversable....that i look back and wonder how i am still here.
definatley the alcohol and cocaine did not help. it also did not help when my mom kicked me out and i ended up lost utterally from what was important.
although i did meet my boyfriend.
we have almost been together 5 months and as he lay sleeping in our bed i feel this sense to wanna run back there and lay next to him. he is ultimatley the best thing in my life. he makes me dinner and lunch, buys me stuff, drives me to school, picks me up, carries my books, looked after me when i was so sick includin going to the 24 hour pharmacy to buy me medicine when i was throwing up and spininig my gingerale to make it flat...since apparently he shouldnt have givin me bubbly pop. he cleans are house does r laundry and makes sure i am always happy. i never knew this type of boyfriend exsisted since what i used to date. my aunt told me she can tell he is the one because everyone including his parents know how much he deeply loves me. in a way i hate that because i dont know if i believe in love. i never really felt loved this past year. my parents sure as hell dont love me and well my friends....we'll just hum and hey about that one.
my high school friends have become this space in my heart where i know they belong but they will never be. as i move further along in school and i meet more people and do more things i start to realize the differences we have occured.....we dont laugh as much, we dont chill as much and we dont talk about anything anymore. The only person that knows my day to day life is karen and that is because she always has had a interest in it......and i miss her. i hope some day the girls that used to be my weekend drinking girls will soon come back and ask ...."whats up".
i think about the friends i lost more and more these days...what would they have been and what would we have been?
i think about serg.
and i dont know why. the hurt he gave me will never go away because he was my best friend. although i cant cry about it anymore, it hurts but i wont cry. he got what he wanted and i hope he is happy because i am.
i left my job of four years only to have every manager of the company call me and ask how i am. well guys i am great and thanks for ur sincere worry!!!
I hate how some people never grow up and leave the others waiting for them. when are people just going to grow up and get fast tracked into what is reality.....its not so scary i promise u....
"dont let the fear of striking out, keep you from playing the game"
definatley the alcohol and cocaine did not help. it also did not help when my mom kicked me out and i ended up lost utterally from what was important.
although i did meet my boyfriend.
we have almost been together 5 months and as he lay sleeping in our bed i feel this sense to wanna run back there and lay next to him. he is ultimatley the best thing in my life. he makes me dinner and lunch, buys me stuff, drives me to school, picks me up, carries my books, looked after me when i was so sick includin going to the 24 hour pharmacy to buy me medicine when i was throwing up and spininig my gingerale to make it flat...since apparently he shouldnt have givin me bubbly pop. he cleans are house does r laundry and makes sure i am always happy. i never knew this type of boyfriend exsisted since what i used to date. my aunt told me she can tell he is the one because everyone including his parents know how much he deeply loves me. in a way i hate that because i dont know if i believe in love. i never really felt loved this past year. my parents sure as hell dont love me and well my friends....we'll just hum and hey about that one.
my high school friends have become this space in my heart where i know they belong but they will never be. as i move further along in school and i meet more people and do more things i start to realize the differences we have occured.....we dont laugh as much, we dont chill as much and we dont talk about anything anymore. The only person that knows my day to day life is karen and that is because she always has had a interest in it......and i miss her. i hope some day the girls that used to be my weekend drinking girls will soon come back and ask ...."whats up".
i think about the friends i lost more and more these days...what would they have been and what would we have been?
i think about serg.
and i dont know why. the hurt he gave me will never go away because he was my best friend. although i cant cry about it anymore, it hurts but i wont cry. he got what he wanted and i hope he is happy because i am.
i left my job of four years only to have every manager of the company call me and ask how i am. well guys i am great and thanks for ur sincere worry!!!
I hate how some people never grow up and leave the others waiting for them. when are people just going to grow up and get fast tracked into what is reality.....its not so scary i promise u....
"dont let the fear of striking out, keep you from playing the game"