Boss monster: anticipatory anxiety

[lisefrac]

Originally published at Lise Fracalossi. You can comment here or there.

I was listening to the newest episode of Happier with Gretchen Rubin this morning - in particular, episode 85, “Ever Been Annoyed by a Gift?” One of the topics they discussed is giving yourself something to look forward to on the calendar. To paraphrase Gretchen, if there’s

Comments

[in_water_writ]

Honestly I feel this way too, but usually see it as a side effect of my depression.

I love larping, but I dread the work that I have to do to prep for it. I'm tired. I don't want to make packets, or rework my shield, even though I know I will enjoy the results. I just want to stare at the TV screen. I don't want to put *effort* into the thing, I just want it to be done.

Heck, the same goes for socializing. It's one of the reasons I'm always late; I often put off getting ready because I dread the whole process, and leaving the house feels like a Herculean effort, but once I'm with people I"m happy and I feel fine.

I think it's ok if our hobbies come with a certain amount of 'don't wanna.' And maybe in the leadup we focus on all the 'don't wanna' prepwork that has to be done, and all the pitfalls, but I think that's because we have to think about that before we can get to the parts we like.

I am really nervous about sleeping onsite this weekend. It'll be the first fairly cold night I've spent at a campsite in a while, and unlike Shadows, I can't use an electric heating pad to keep warm and stave off a back spasm. I am basically dreading it, and for pretty good reason.

But I want to be at Crossover, because I want to know what staff has in store for us, and I have always enjoyed myself there. I'm stressed about all the stuff that has to get done though, and feeling dread and wariness about pain, so it's hard to feel like I'm 'looking forward to it.'

I think looking at the stuff on my calendar and asking "Will I enjoy being there?" is a more useful metric for me than "Am I looking forward to it." Because the latter makes me think about all the *effort* that has to be done to make the thing happen, and the former focuses on the quality of the result. "Will I enjoy it enough to outweigh the stuff I'm not looking forward to" is my followup, and why I sort of waffle on Arisia every year. I like going to Arisia, and I especially like performing, but I don't know if I like it enough to do it overnight anymore.