Sins meme, day 7: Seven love secrets
Okay, so "love secrets" has been interpreted two different ways by my friends. Some have taken it to "advice for a loving relationship." Others have interpreted it as "secrets/facts about my love/sex life." Seeing as my parents read this journal, I'm going to opt for choice #1. I like to think that Matt and I have a pretty good relationship, and here's what I've learned.
1. Treat one's partner like an adult. This rules out a lot of behaviors that erode relationships, like nagging. God, I fucking hate nagging. I hate when I see my friends nag or scold their S.O.s, and I try so so hard not to perpetuate it myself. The minute you start acting like your S.O.'s mother (or your own mother) is the minute you've essentially said "I am no longer interested in having anything but a familial relationship with you."
And if you say... "But they don't act like an adult!" Then why are you with them? Seriously.
2. If you don't like how something is, do it yourself. I am fond of the "chores fall to the person whom it bugs the most" route. This doesn't work for everyone, and I'll be the first to admit that our house is not as clean as I would like. But it causes the least amount of strain in our relationship.
3. If you want your S.O. to change, set an example. This should go without saying, but you can't change your S.O., really. There are some fundamental personality traits that you shouldn't even be trying to change--and if they bug you that much, again you've got to ask yourself why you're with that person.
But on a small scale, there is some flexibility. Sometimes I'll discover a new interest or something and wish Matt would be interested in it as well. Usually he isn't. The only way I've seen him become interested is if I set an example--rather, than, say, nagging him into reading frugality blogs. He wasn't sure about having an emergency fund when I first brought it up, but I set one up anyway, and it helped to get us through my unemployment, and now he's sold on it.
This doesn't always work. But it is the only way I've seen change happen in relationships. Then again, I am the type of person who gets really passionate about things and instigates people to try them, so YMMV.
4. Have common interests or shared hobbies. Man, this really should be first. It might even require the use of the tag. I'm amazed how many couples don't have anything in common. I had a recently-married coworker once say to me, "If I have to stare at just my husband for another 30 years, I'll go crazy" (as a reason for having a baby). Matt and I have many shared interests--not all! see the next item--but many, and at the very least it means we always have something to talk about.
5. And yet. "Let there be gaps in your togetherness." That's such a corny quote, but it's a good way of putting it. I think it's important for partners to have separate interests and separate friends. Matt is much more into comics and game mechanics geekery than I am, and spends hours reading webcomics, scans_daily, RPGnet, BGG, and the Crafty forums. He plays in two RPGs that I don't. (Well, I don't play in any right now, though I do run one that he's in). I like poetry, and true crime, and blog reading, and knitting, which are all interests he doesn't share.
6. Avoid having an "excremental" relationship. When I was a teenager, a friend of mine who was particularly wise shared this term with me, to express how so many people go home and throw all the shit of their day onto their S.O. Our partners do see us at our worst, it's true. To some extent it's unavoidable, and I'm not going to give out disingenuous Cosmo magazine advice like, "Don't brush your teeth in front of your partner." But I do think we owe it to our S.O.s to get our best behavior as well as our worst. If you're a reliable worker at your job, your spouse should at least be able to trust you to pick up groceries on the way home. (Or finish writing character sheets for a LARP. Not that I have a problem with that or anything)...
7. And have fun.
Day One: Pride - Seven great things about yourself
Day Two: Envy - Seven things you lack and covet
Day Three: Wrath - Seven things that piss you off
Day Four: Sloth - Seven things you neglect to do
Day Five: Greed - Seven worldly material desires
Day Six: Gluttony - Seven guilty pleasures
Day Seven: Lust - Seven love secrets
... and I'm spent. Although, I have to say, I've liked doing these memes where I get to write about something I don't usually write about. I might have to do more.
1. Treat one's partner like an adult. This rules out a lot of behaviors that erode relationships, like nagging. God, I fucking hate nagging. I hate when I see my friends nag or scold their S.O.s, and I try so so hard not to perpetuate it myself. The minute you start acting like your S.O.'s mother (or your own mother) is the minute you've essentially said "I am no longer interested in having anything but a familial relationship with you."
And if you say... "But they don't act like an adult!" Then why are you with them? Seriously.
2. If you don't like how something is, do it yourself. I am fond of the "chores fall to the person whom it bugs the most" route. This doesn't work for everyone, and I'll be the first to admit that our house is not as clean as I would like. But it causes the least amount of strain in our relationship.
3. If you want your S.O. to change, set an example. This should go without saying, but you can't change your S.O., really. There are some fundamental personality traits that you shouldn't even be trying to change--and if they bug you that much, again you've got to ask yourself why you're with that person.
But on a small scale, there is some flexibility. Sometimes I'll discover a new interest or something and wish Matt would be interested in it as well. Usually he isn't. The only way I've seen him become interested is if I set an example--rather, than, say, nagging him into reading frugality blogs. He wasn't sure about having an emergency fund when I first brought it up, but I set one up anyway, and it helped to get us through my unemployment, and now he's sold on it.
This doesn't always work. But it is the only way I've seen change happen in relationships. Then again, I am the type of person who gets really passionate about things and instigates people to try them, so YMMV.
4. Have common interests or shared hobbies. Man, this really should be first. It might even require the use of the tag. I'm amazed how many couples don't have anything in common. I had a recently-married coworker once say to me, "If I have to stare at just my husband for another 30 years, I'll go crazy" (as a reason for having a baby). Matt and I have many shared interests--not all! see the next item--but many, and at the very least it means we always have something to talk about.
5. And yet. "Let there be gaps in your togetherness." That's such a corny quote, but it's a good way of putting it. I think it's important for partners to have separate interests and separate friends. Matt is much more into comics and game mechanics geekery than I am, and spends hours reading webcomics, scans_daily, RPGnet, BGG, and the Crafty forums. He plays in two RPGs that I don't. (Well, I don't play in any right now, though I do run one that he's in). I like poetry, and true crime, and blog reading, and knitting, which are all interests he doesn't share.
6. Avoid having an "excremental" relationship. When I was a teenager, a friend of mine who was particularly wise shared this term with me, to express how so many people go home and throw all the shit of their day onto their S.O. Our partners do see us at our worst, it's true. To some extent it's unavoidable, and I'm not going to give out disingenuous Cosmo magazine advice like, "Don't brush your teeth in front of your partner." But I do think we owe it to our S.O.s to get our best behavior as well as our worst. If you're a reliable worker at your job, your spouse should at least be able to trust you to pick up groceries on the way home. (Or finish writing character sheets for a LARP. Not that I have a problem with that or anything)...
7. And have fun.
Day One: Pride - Seven great things about yourself
Day Two: Envy - Seven things you lack and covet
Day Three: Wrath - Seven things that piss you off
Day Four: Sloth - Seven things you neglect to do
Day Five: Greed - Seven worldly material desires
Day Six: Gluttony - Seven guilty pleasures
Day Seven: Lust - Seven love secrets
... and I'm spent. Although, I have to say, I've liked doing these memes where I get to write about something I don't usually write about. I might have to do more.