(no subject)
It was cold. I saw you from a distance and wanted nothing more than to be closer. I imagined the familiar path that would take me straight to you so that I could bury my face into your chest and let everything else melt away. But before I knew it, it had happened again. My feet had taken me to the exact place I didn't want to be: inches away from you. They've been doing this lately, as if there is some kind of invisible wall that you have somehow managed to put up. Some sort of barrier meant to keep me just far enough away that it is killing me.
It was so cold. My arms had managed to buckle themselves around me, as if to warn that I only had my own protection against the elements. As if to tell me that nobody else was going to come and make me warm and take the pain away. You came, and you did it again. You stood just out of my reach. I couldn't grab hold. I couldn't pull you close like I longed to do. The air was thick between us and I felt a single tear roll down my cheek, but I passed it off as a lost rain drop; a lost hope. You walked away once again and I wanted to yell after you that I needed you and your protection and warmth, but I stood silent, holding myself, until the rain finally passed for just long enough that I was able to hold the tear in my eye.
It was even colder. I heard you coming from behind, and I felt my heart lighten when I turned around to see that I hadn't imagined you being there. In the break in the conversation, I tried telling you that I hadn't done well on my exam. It was circling in my head that if I couldn't do well in my favorite subject, how would I do on all the others? I was about to say this, but I noticed you turning in the opposite direction of where I was heading. I thought about waiting, but decided against it. I kept walking. I turned to look at the door you were about to disappear into, and I possibly made it up in my mind, but I thought I saw you look behind you for a split second. Maybe you were looking for me. Maybe you were relieved when I wasn't there.
God, it was freezing. I stood out and waited for you, even though you had just left moments ago. This break had always been the time that we showed some amount of affection at school, even though it has been different lately. My mind wandered back to how this was where it began. Here, at 10:14, just a little over 14 months ago. Before I let my mind escape me into a place where I longed so badly to be, you were back. I had a sudden urge to leap into your arms and grab your face and turn it towards mine so that you had no choice but to look. I wanted to kiss you with such softness so that I could smell the aroma of your skin and feel the circumference of each of your goosebumps. However, I just stood there, probably looking stupid. I wondered if you noticed. I told you I was cold and I wanted warmth, and you suggested to find an umbrella. I wish you had taken me into your arms and made me feel invisible like you used to. You didn't. I wanted to cry again. The rain got harder and turned to ice. It hurt on my skin almost as much as your rejection hurt on my heart.
The sun came out the minute we were herded back indoors. My jacket had soaked through from all the rain and ice. I sat shivering, wishing I had some kind of solution. You didn't answer my message, so I made the decision of running to my only option without your permission. I couldn't open your locker and I wanted to hit something out of the built up frustration. I was so happy when the lock clicked and the door swung open. I snuggled down into your disconnected warmth and felt like I now had something to show off. I could smell you when I turned my head either way and the scent was almost as intoxicating as the real thing. Sometimes something as simple as wearing your jacket makes me feel like I am hidden beneath your skin where nobody can see me, and nobody could judge me. The idea of you surrounding me puts me into a trance, but I pull myself out just in time so that I wouldn't be focusing on you.
The air was almost bitter because it was so cold. I stood waiting to apologize that I had taken your jacket without you saying yes. You either did not see me or pretended not to and walked right by. I told you I was sorry that I had gone into your locker and had taken it. I started taking it off to give it back to you. You said no, and would not let me. You were shivering, which is something I have really never witnessed before. For as long as I have known you, you have always been warm. Until now. I tried hugging you and holding you to share the little warmth I possessed with you. Your eyes told me I was too close, and I felt myself starting to shrivel under your blank stare that wasn't even upon me. I held myself together. I began taking the jacket off again, and you again refused to allow me. You tied the arms behind me so I couldn't get out, and for the first time all day I felt warm, but it was a guilty pleasure as I looked at you shaking in the cold. I wanted to give you anything you needed to keep you warm, but I didn't know what I could bestow upon you that you did not already have. I felt helpless and useless. You wouldn't even let me touch you. I wanted to run away, but I didn't want to be gone while you were so cold.
Possibly to be continued.
It was so cold. My arms had managed to buckle themselves around me, as if to warn that I only had my own protection against the elements. As if to tell me that nobody else was going to come and make me warm and take the pain away. You came, and you did it again. You stood just out of my reach. I couldn't grab hold. I couldn't pull you close like I longed to do. The air was thick between us and I felt a single tear roll down my cheek, but I passed it off as a lost rain drop; a lost hope. You walked away once again and I wanted to yell after you that I needed you and your protection and warmth, but I stood silent, holding myself, until the rain finally passed for just long enough that I was able to hold the tear in my eye.
It was even colder. I heard you coming from behind, and I felt my heart lighten when I turned around to see that I hadn't imagined you being there. In the break in the conversation, I tried telling you that I hadn't done well on my exam. It was circling in my head that if I couldn't do well in my favorite subject, how would I do on all the others? I was about to say this, but I noticed you turning in the opposite direction of where I was heading. I thought about waiting, but decided against it. I kept walking. I turned to look at the door you were about to disappear into, and I possibly made it up in my mind, but I thought I saw you look behind you for a split second. Maybe you were looking for me. Maybe you were relieved when I wasn't there.
God, it was freezing. I stood out and waited for you, even though you had just left moments ago. This break had always been the time that we showed some amount of affection at school, even though it has been different lately. My mind wandered back to how this was where it began. Here, at 10:14, just a little over 14 months ago. Before I let my mind escape me into a place where I longed so badly to be, you were back. I had a sudden urge to leap into your arms and grab your face and turn it towards mine so that you had no choice but to look. I wanted to kiss you with such softness so that I could smell the aroma of your skin and feel the circumference of each of your goosebumps. However, I just stood there, probably looking stupid. I wondered if you noticed. I told you I was cold and I wanted warmth, and you suggested to find an umbrella. I wish you had taken me into your arms and made me feel invisible like you used to. You didn't. I wanted to cry again. The rain got harder and turned to ice. It hurt on my skin almost as much as your rejection hurt on my heart.
The sun came out the minute we were herded back indoors. My jacket had soaked through from all the rain and ice. I sat shivering, wishing I had some kind of solution. You didn't answer my message, so I made the decision of running to my only option without your permission. I couldn't open your locker and I wanted to hit something out of the built up frustration. I was so happy when the lock clicked and the door swung open. I snuggled down into your disconnected warmth and felt like I now had something to show off. I could smell you when I turned my head either way and the scent was almost as intoxicating as the real thing. Sometimes something as simple as wearing your jacket makes me feel like I am hidden beneath your skin where nobody can see me, and nobody could judge me. The idea of you surrounding me puts me into a trance, but I pull myself out just in time so that I wouldn't be focusing on you.
The air was almost bitter because it was so cold. I stood waiting to apologize that I had taken your jacket without you saying yes. You either did not see me or pretended not to and walked right by. I told you I was sorry that I had gone into your locker and had taken it. I started taking it off to give it back to you. You said no, and would not let me. You were shivering, which is something I have really never witnessed before. For as long as I have known you, you have always been warm. Until now. I tried hugging you and holding you to share the little warmth I possessed with you. Your eyes told me I was too close, and I felt myself starting to shrivel under your blank stare that wasn't even upon me. I held myself together. I began taking the jacket off again, and you again refused to allow me. You tied the arms behind me so I couldn't get out, and for the first time all day I felt warm, but it was a guilty pleasure as I looked at you shaking in the cold. I wanted to give you anything you needed to keep you warm, but I didn't know what I could bestow upon you that you did not already have. I felt helpless and useless. You wouldn't even let me touch you. I wanted to run away, but I didn't want to be gone while you were so cold.
Possibly to be continued.