there and back again
sometimes I think my livejournal is a lot like my relationship with God while my xanga is my relationship with the world. My xanga represents all that I want people to see about me, all the good, charming, and witty appearance that I want people to see, down to the carefully chosen color scheme. My livejournal is a lot more raw, honest and revealing in my weaknesses, and the forum where I come back to, time and time again, and in my darkest time of need. I also feel like my livejournal is a lot more private, since I usually privatize all my entries. They are truly between me and God, and no one is here to judge me on whether my sentences make sense or my grammar is sound.
I wish I could hand-write as fast as I think; I would prefer a more hard copy of my thoughts (for what they're worth), but I type so much faster. When I write, it's like I run the thoughts through my head before they appear on paper. Not as honest, not as real. But here, it's different. I type almost as fast as the thoughts formulate themselves. I miss having that ability to express myself on paper.
But that's what I am, warts and all. That's what I'm always trying to find out about myself - exactly what there is of me, or what there is left of me. But the most comforting thing about me isn't even about me at all - it's that God will always be here for me, and love me, even if I fail spectacularly or embarrass Him.
I feel like that is my catharsis, a hope that I can barely even grasp but I am learning to realize, even after being a so-called Christian for so long. It's this thing that I'm almost afraid to hope in for fear that it is too real to possibly be true. It is the hope that there is a being out there who loves me, pure and unconditionally. He's the best friend that won't ever tire of listening to you, and you won't wake up if you call at 5 am, when the rest of the world is happily snoozing. He gives advice that can never be surpassed, and what He wants for you is truly the best for you, whether you see it or not. He is the ultimate parent, friend, confidant, lover. He is all that we seek in human mates and despair of finding. Why have I so long fled from You? How can You welcome me back so richly each time? I can scarcely hope for it, yet I believe it. Yes, I believe.
I wish I could hand-write as fast as I think; I would prefer a more hard copy of my thoughts (for what they're worth), but I type so much faster. When I write, it's like I run the thoughts through my head before they appear on paper. Not as honest, not as real. But here, it's different. I type almost as fast as the thoughts formulate themselves. I miss having that ability to express myself on paper.
But that's what I am, warts and all. That's what I'm always trying to find out about myself - exactly what there is of me, or what there is left of me. But the most comforting thing about me isn't even about me at all - it's that God will always be here for me, and love me, even if I fail spectacularly or embarrass Him.
I feel like that is my catharsis, a hope that I can barely even grasp but I am learning to realize, even after being a so-called Christian for so long. It's this thing that I'm almost afraid to hope in for fear that it is too real to possibly be true. It is the hope that there is a being out there who loves me, pure and unconditionally. He's the best friend that won't ever tire of listening to you, and you won't wake up if you call at 5 am, when the rest of the world is happily snoozing. He gives advice that can never be surpassed, and what He wants for you is truly the best for you, whether you see it or not. He is the ultimate parent, friend, confidant, lover. He is all that we seek in human mates and despair of finding. Why have I so long fled from You? How can You welcome me back so richly each time? I can scarcely hope for it, yet I believe it. Yes, I believe.