Can we talk?
Today is Bell Let's Talk.
It's literally that simple. Talking. Not so simple, finding someone to listen. Really listen. Not to talk about themselves, or judge your feelings, or make you feel worse about yourself. Just fucking listen.
It's literally the easiest way to help. Listen.
It took me an extremely long time to realize that. Michael Landsberg & the Let's Talk initiative helped me get there. I've never hid that I had depression per se, but I never really talked about it. I always had the stigma attached with it, and I always thought I could make myself better. I thought I knew what I needed to fix myself. And the people I told that to, let it go...and so I continued with that ignorant mentality for many, many years.
I never got better. And it wasn't until 2012, when I watched all the Bell Let's Talk specials for the first time, that I finally understood just how truly something was wrong with me.
So I started talking.
And no one was listening. And I realized just how alone I was in this world. And I got worse. And worse.
2013 was one of, if not the, worst year of my life. It was the lowest I have ever felt, and the first time I was suicidal since I was a teenager.
I almost had a nervous breakdown that November, and that was finally when my Mom started paying attention. And so that December I started to do a little better. And with all the highs associated with Christmas, I had a decent month.
And then in January I crashed. Bad.
So I was finally put on meds; and "suicide watch". Not in the typical hospitalization way, but I had to physically check in with my Doctor on a weekly basis. I had to live my life one week at a time. My big goal in life was to live for one week. And man was it exhausting.
I didn't realize until this time that all those times in my past when I was lazy, or gave up on things easily or without really trying, wasn't because I was actually lazy, or because I didn't want to do those things, it was because I was depressed. That was when I finally understood it was a disease, and it had been running my life for years.
6 weeks after I was put on this medication is when Millie died. I was bawling on the phone with her sister trying to explain why I couldn't go to her funeral, this poor woman who didn't give a shit about me.
I will regret for the rest of my life that I didn't "suck it up" and say goodbye to Millie, that I couldn't put myself aside for just 2 hours to be there for her for the last time. I will always feel guilty for that. But at that time, I had to live for only me, and I truly believed if I went to her funeral I wasn't going to live through the week.
It is a strange feeling when to stay alive you don't actually live.
And I haven't lived, not for a long time.
My meds have changed three times since then, and I'm doing better. For about a year now I've only had to check in once a month with the doctor. But I'm still living in a world where I feel sorry for myself, where I feel alone, and where I feel not enough people care about me enough to listen.
About a month ago I had a conversation with one of my Aunt's where she told me I have pushed a lot of people away and out of my life. Which is true, I've known that. And in some ways, I've been okay with that. Thing is though, Not.One.Single.Person has cared enough about me to not let me push them. Not one person has fought for our relationship, or to stay in my life, or to make sure I was okay. One of my family members literally erased me from their life and blocked me on twitter. That was what resulted when they found out my behaviour was the result of being suicidal and suffering from depression.Erasing me.
Does that say something about them or me? It makes it a hell of a lot harder to fight to get better thats for sure. But, I'm the common denominator right? And so I'm not worth fighting for? This is what's been in my head since I was a child. That I'm worth nothing. And no matter how old I get that feeling hasn't gone away. I feel like I'm a pathetic person, living a pathetic life. And as much as the medication has helped me, and as much as I feel more "normal" then I've ever felt in my adult life, I'm still living with those feelings.
I'm no longer suicidal. I have bad days though. I haven't thought about killing myself for about 5 months now. It was the first time I wrote a suicide note since I was 14, it was the first time I pre-planned the situation. But I made it through, and I am very proud of myself.
Every day is a struggle. Some days start out good, most don't. Some days I can't force myself out of bed, and I'm in a place now where I understand that that's okay. Living is hard for me. So sometimes my mind and body break down, and I call in sick and stay in bed. If this is the only way I can get through life, then I am now okay with this. I am no longer going to let things I can't control add stresses to my life that I can't handle.
I know this makes me sound like I haven't really gotten better, but coming to these conclusions have been real breakthroughs for me. The idea that I will be on medication for the rest of my life, also a breakthrough for me. Hell, just finally admitting I needed medication was the real breakthrough when it comes to that one.
I'm trying to better myself, and my life, in baby steps. I'm trying to be an optimist, which is hard because I think I've been a pessimist since I was 2! ;)
I'm trying.
I don't want to live like this. I want to have experiences, and love, and happiness....and fulfillment.
But I still don't think much of myself, I was always my worst bully. I still don't feel like I'm worth it.
I want to believe there is someone out there for me. Someone who will see in me what no one else has. Will do anything to make me happy, because they want to. Will make me feel like I am worth their love.
It's such a simple thing when you say it. It took me years to figure this out. What I needed, to feel like I am living a full life. Love.
The Beatles had it right. Love is all I need.
I'm not saying I need someone to put value on my life, but I need a partner. I need someone to fight with me. To fight for me, on the days where I just can't. To remind me there is something good waiting for me on the other side.
Today is Bell Let's Talk. So this is me trying to talk.
I think this kinda went all over the place, but my hope is that if anyone in my life comes across this and reads it, you might understand me a little better now. I mean, this is just the tip of the ice burg... but it's something.
It's literally that simple. Talking. Not so simple, finding someone to listen. Really listen. Not to talk about themselves, or judge your feelings, or make you feel worse about yourself. Just fucking listen.
It's literally the easiest way to help. Listen.
It took me an extremely long time to realize that. Michael Landsberg & the Let's Talk initiative helped me get there. I've never hid that I had depression per se, but I never really talked about it. I always had the stigma attached with it, and I always thought I could make myself better. I thought I knew what I needed to fix myself. And the people I told that to, let it go...and so I continued with that ignorant mentality for many, many years.
I never got better. And it wasn't until 2012, when I watched all the Bell Let's Talk specials for the first time, that I finally understood just how truly something was wrong with me.
So I started talking.
And no one was listening. And I realized just how alone I was in this world. And I got worse. And worse.
2013 was one of, if not the, worst year of my life. It was the lowest I have ever felt, and the first time I was suicidal since I was a teenager.
I almost had a nervous breakdown that November, and that was finally when my Mom started paying attention. And so that December I started to do a little better. And with all the highs associated with Christmas, I had a decent month.
And then in January I crashed. Bad.
So I was finally put on meds; and "suicide watch". Not in the typical hospitalization way, but I had to physically check in with my Doctor on a weekly basis. I had to live my life one week at a time. My big goal in life was to live for one week. And man was it exhausting.
I didn't realize until this time that all those times in my past when I was lazy, or gave up on things easily or without really trying, wasn't because I was actually lazy, or because I didn't want to do those things, it was because I was depressed. That was when I finally understood it was a disease, and it had been running my life for years.
6 weeks after I was put on this medication is when Millie died. I was bawling on the phone with her sister trying to explain why I couldn't go to her funeral, this poor woman who didn't give a shit about me.
I will regret for the rest of my life that I didn't "suck it up" and say goodbye to Millie, that I couldn't put myself aside for just 2 hours to be there for her for the last time. I will always feel guilty for that. But at that time, I had to live for only me, and I truly believed if I went to her funeral I wasn't going to live through the week.
It is a strange feeling when to stay alive you don't actually live.
And I haven't lived, not for a long time.
My meds have changed three times since then, and I'm doing better. For about a year now I've only had to check in once a month with the doctor. But I'm still living in a world where I feel sorry for myself, where I feel alone, and where I feel not enough people care about me enough to listen.
About a month ago I had a conversation with one of my Aunt's where she told me I have pushed a lot of people away and out of my life. Which is true, I've known that. And in some ways, I've been okay with that. Thing is though, Not.One.Single.Person has cared enough about me to not let me push them. Not one person has fought for our relationship, or to stay in my life, or to make sure I was okay. One of my family members literally erased me from their life and blocked me on twitter. That was what resulted when they found out my behaviour was the result of being suicidal and suffering from depression.Erasing me.
Does that say something about them or me? It makes it a hell of a lot harder to fight to get better thats for sure. But, I'm the common denominator right? And so I'm not worth fighting for? This is what's been in my head since I was a child. That I'm worth nothing. And no matter how old I get that feeling hasn't gone away. I feel like I'm a pathetic person, living a pathetic life. And as much as the medication has helped me, and as much as I feel more "normal" then I've ever felt in my adult life, I'm still living with those feelings.
I'm no longer suicidal. I have bad days though. I haven't thought about killing myself for about 5 months now. It was the first time I wrote a suicide note since I was 14, it was the first time I pre-planned the situation. But I made it through, and I am very proud of myself.
Every day is a struggle. Some days start out good, most don't. Some days I can't force myself out of bed, and I'm in a place now where I understand that that's okay. Living is hard for me. So sometimes my mind and body break down, and I call in sick and stay in bed. If this is the only way I can get through life, then I am now okay with this. I am no longer going to let things I can't control add stresses to my life that I can't handle.
I know this makes me sound like I haven't really gotten better, but coming to these conclusions have been real breakthroughs for me. The idea that I will be on medication for the rest of my life, also a breakthrough for me. Hell, just finally admitting I needed medication was the real breakthrough when it comes to that one.
I'm trying to better myself, and my life, in baby steps. I'm trying to be an optimist, which is hard because I think I've been a pessimist since I was 2! ;)
I'm trying.
I don't want to live like this. I want to have experiences, and love, and happiness....and fulfillment.
But I still don't think much of myself, I was always my worst bully. I still don't feel like I'm worth it.
I want to believe there is someone out there for me. Someone who will see in me what no one else has. Will do anything to make me happy, because they want to. Will make me feel like I am worth their love.
It's such a simple thing when you say it. It took me years to figure this out. What I needed, to feel like I am living a full life. Love.
The Beatles had it right. Love is all I need.
I'm not saying I need someone to put value on my life, but I need a partner. I need someone to fight with me. To fight for me, on the days where I just can't. To remind me there is something good waiting for me on the other side.
Today is Bell Let's Talk. So this is me trying to talk.
I think this kinda went all over the place, but my hope is that if anyone in my life comes across this and reads it, you might understand me a little better now. I mean, this is just the tip of the ice burg... but it's something.