(no subject)
so it's been a little while or a long while since a real update. um. things are good. good and pretty calm for the moment. which is a much needed state. i feel as though i have overextended myself this semester especially socially/emotionally. too much too fast. i didn't put everything into what developed. i got my feelings hurt but i hurt someone else's feelings and that sucks. this whole scene, this casual love that we can just put ourselves into is extremely draining. perhaps living for the moment really isn't what it is supposed to be all about which is what i've lived by for awhile. moments of intenseness are somewhat fulfilling, but in the long run as much as we want the past to be dead and gone, it lives. it lives in your movements, conversations, decisions. sometimes it's a haunting feeling, sometimes a comforting one. nevertheless it's a feeling in your chest without reservation or consideration for the here and now, for what you want to experience now. it lingers and grabs at me. and recently just holds me here staring behind instead of ahead. sometimes i forget how to live.
but after i went to the amnesty conference, it was like an amazing revelation. how can i sit here and be so fucking selfish and whine about how my love life and academic life are failing when people don't even have the choice in some places to love and be educated? i used to have that mentality all the time. i was aware of my fortune of choice last year and i was a content person, serene and concerned with worldly issues and critical of those of us who didn't recognize our fortunes. but this year i've gotten so caught up in myself and men and the physical/material world that i have neglected my true interests which are other people and the philosophical questions and figuring out how i am going to lead a life that i can be proud of. or maybe not a life i am proud of, but one that is not wasted. one that serves the common good. one that forgoes the self and reaches to those who are in need and have no voice.
well that's a lot to think about. so much to say.
but after i went to the amnesty conference, it was like an amazing revelation. how can i sit here and be so fucking selfish and whine about how my love life and academic life are failing when people don't even have the choice in some places to love and be educated? i used to have that mentality all the time. i was aware of my fortune of choice last year and i was a content person, serene and concerned with worldly issues and critical of those of us who didn't recognize our fortunes. but this year i've gotten so caught up in myself and men and the physical/material world that i have neglected my true interests which are other people and the philosophical questions and figuring out how i am going to lead a life that i can be proud of. or maybe not a life i am proud of, but one that is not wasted. one that serves the common good. one that forgoes the self and reaches to those who are in need and have no voice.
well that's a lot to think about. so much to say.