(no subject)
it's the start of another long night. i don't feel much like sleeping but i have a lot of driving to do tomorrow. i don't think that i'm going to have a chance to visit claire and nina which is a bummer. but it's important i get home safe and sound. billy's leaving for florida on monday, so i want to get some time in with him before i have to say bye all over again. feels like one of us is always coming or going. (for the past month or so anyway.) it gets complicated when there's not much of a routine, and i've honestly been craving one lately.
my grandmother is mumbling and making soothing humming noises for herself. she's just had her morphine and sometimes she recites the names of her brother's and sister's and their children's names just to see if she can remember them all. these past two days with her have been amazing. she keeps asking me who's older, but she hasnt' named a name. as she slips away into something i'm relieved she's not in pain, but i just don't know what i want. my mother is dead set on keeping her as healthy and active as she can possibly be. which will lengthen her time here. i can't think of any other possible way to treat her, but she just says over and over and over that she just wants it all to be over. to look at herself in the mirror and see no hair, swelled hands and feet and a thin body just reinforces to her that she's done with this body and with this phase of her existance. sometimes i think that the feeling i'll feel after i leave my body will be something like the feeling i get when my eyes are closed and all is dark and i feel the inside of my mouth more than any other part of my body.
last night i took an ambien and passed right out, but after i take a sleeping pill it's so hard to wake up in the morning. things get so torn with stimulants. downers. whatever. now that i'm older i look at all of the addictions that i've been exposed to my whole life. people on coffee, sugar, cigarettes, alcohol, gambling, sex, coke, weed... whatever. i never took the step back and saw what was actually going on until i was involved with it all myself.
i took a walk with my cousin joe today. he's 18, very down to earth and we had a conversation about how upstate new york (these rural of parts anyway.) only have a certain amount of outcomes that can actually happen for a person. get pregnant. get married. get a job. get dead. a lot of his friends have children, and that makes me just feel for them a lot. so much to handle. and i just don't quite know how they're doing it. i went over to one of his friends houses, 21 year old husband, 18 year old wife and a 1 year old daughter named chastity. after the baby went to bed we smoked pot and just talked a bit. the wife's mother just died of a brain anyerism (sp?) so she's dealing with raising her daughter without her own mother now. the baby was so beautiful. i really like how children are gravitated to me and know that i love them. she wispered hi and climbed right onto my lap and started playing with the buttons on my shirt. i wish i could take care of children for a living.
my nonnie just told me she was all ready. i don't know for what. but i'm supposing i'd better ready myself too. mentally and emotionally. (i'm sorry i'm talking about this so much, but it's what i'm surrounded by and it's just not going away in my mind no matter how many words i write.)
i guess i'm going to get off of this here thing. spend some time with my mommy.
love.
to.
all.
my grandmother is mumbling and making soothing humming noises for herself. she's just had her morphine and sometimes she recites the names of her brother's and sister's and their children's names just to see if she can remember them all. these past two days with her have been amazing. she keeps asking me who's older, but she hasnt' named a name. as she slips away into something i'm relieved she's not in pain, but i just don't know what i want. my mother is dead set on keeping her as healthy and active as she can possibly be. which will lengthen her time here. i can't think of any other possible way to treat her, but she just says over and over and over that she just wants it all to be over. to look at herself in the mirror and see no hair, swelled hands and feet and a thin body just reinforces to her that she's done with this body and with this phase of her existance. sometimes i think that the feeling i'll feel after i leave my body will be something like the feeling i get when my eyes are closed and all is dark and i feel the inside of my mouth more than any other part of my body.
last night i took an ambien and passed right out, but after i take a sleeping pill it's so hard to wake up in the morning. things get so torn with stimulants. downers. whatever. now that i'm older i look at all of the addictions that i've been exposed to my whole life. people on coffee, sugar, cigarettes, alcohol, gambling, sex, coke, weed... whatever. i never took the step back and saw what was actually going on until i was involved with it all myself.
i took a walk with my cousin joe today. he's 18, very down to earth and we had a conversation about how upstate new york (these rural of parts anyway.) only have a certain amount of outcomes that can actually happen for a person. get pregnant. get married. get a job. get dead. a lot of his friends have children, and that makes me just feel for them a lot. so much to handle. and i just don't quite know how they're doing it. i went over to one of his friends houses, 21 year old husband, 18 year old wife and a 1 year old daughter named chastity. after the baby went to bed we smoked pot and just talked a bit. the wife's mother just died of a brain anyerism (sp?) so she's dealing with raising her daughter without her own mother now. the baby was so beautiful. i really like how children are gravitated to me and know that i love them. she wispered hi and climbed right onto my lap and started playing with the buttons on my shirt. i wish i could take care of children for a living.
my nonnie just told me she was all ready. i don't know for what. but i'm supposing i'd better ready myself too. mentally and emotionally. (i'm sorry i'm talking about this so much, but it's what i'm surrounded by and it's just not going away in my mind no matter how many words i write.)
i guess i'm going to get off of this here thing. spend some time with my mommy.
love.
to.
all.