The end of an era
So, last night i finally ended things with my boyfriend. Have you ever felt bad about doing something even though the other person does not deserve for you to feel guilty (or something less confoluted)? I totally tried to do it right. I tried to talk to him in person, tell him how i feel, and give him a chance to respond. However, he completely wussed out on me. He wouldn't talk to me in person, he made me do it over the phone! That kind of crap is exactly why, in the end, this decision will be right for me. I wanted him to give me something to hold onto to, something to hope for. After two years of being together he couldn't even tell me that he would try harder, pay me more attention, blah blah blah. Nothing. He's not a bad guy, he's just really selfish with his emotions, feelings, etc. He would never let me in. In two years of dating, i cannot even remember one "deep" convo that we had with each other. The thing that really brought this to the head was a discussion, or lack thereof, of our "future" together. Basically, i wanted to know if he would ever marry me. I mean, i don't want to get married now, but that wasn't the question. He couldn't even tell me that he would one day. He wouldn't even discuss it further. Of course, that shouldn't have been too big of a surprise considering that we never discussed anything anyways. I'm just so hurt by it all. Yeah, i know that i was the one that dumped him but i'm just so disappointed in how everything turned out. I'm hurt by how little of himself he would give me. I'm hurt that i wasn't good enough for him to want to marry. I'm hurt that he would never go that extra mile for me, i.e. romantic surprises, love notes or poems, anything to let me know he cared. I tried my best to get him to do it for me by doing it for him. I guess it just wasn't enough. I'm not very religious, but, God, please do not let me become disillusioned with LOVE and CARING by all of this. Please let me love the next with the passion that I want to be loved with in return. Please let me fall in love with someone that will show me the love that i show desperately desire.