(no subject)
Sure, string a girl along for five month and then, after you've tired of her and figure the easiest way to get rid of her (so to speak) is to simply avoid her, go and find yourself a girlfriend. That's totally cool. Oh, and to assuage your guilty conscience with some major help from said girl's friend, give her a call and tell her you're sorry. Apologize for everything. You're only human after all, right?
I've been in the process of getting over Pat for about a month now. His response to Chelsea's message helped get the ball rolling. His stupid phone call and apology almost sealed the deal. Running into him at the Barnstable County Fair not once, not twice, but THREE times with his fat, homely date was nothing short of confirmation that there was nothing more to say or think about the matter. And so a few weeks passed.
Overall, I've been okay. I haven't thought about him too much. Honestly, I think I'm still in some state of shock of... everything. That I was suckered into giving him a second and third chance KILLS me. That I thought, at one point in time, that I might have actually been falling for him? That just about destroys me. How STUPID could I possibly be? It's so.... embarassing. And sad. Sad, sad, sad. Of course I'd want there to be some redeeming moment to make up for all the bullshit I've been through; trying to remember it, and thus enjoy it, as it was. But the problem is what it was was a LIE. Everything.
And I'm still confused as to where it went wrong. I don't want to date Pat now. To my understanding (which seems to switch up now and again) I don't have any resounding "feelings" for him. But I'm still so angry and upset about WHY it didn't work out. WHY I wasn't good enough, desirable enough; WHY he was (is?) such a fickle asshole. I want to know what happened between the Wednesday where we went out and talked on the beach for hours and hours and he was so into me and following Friday where I KNEW, oh how I knew and didn't want to accept, that it was over. Why, why, why?!
For weeks now I've been kicking around the notion of messaging him and/or whether there is a need to. Last night I had a dream about him and the chick I saw him with at the fair. It was AWFUL. At one particular point I said something flirtatious to him, poked him in the cheek and then said, "But I still haven't forgiven you." Ironically, we were walking and he was holding hands with that fat, homely chick.
Because of that stupid dream he's been at the back of my mind all day today. Finally, I succumbed to myspace stalking and found out, haha, that he's in a fucking RELATIONSHIP with some girl, if not the one I ran into, not even a month after we stopped... "dating" or whatever the hell I should call it.
It just STINGS. Like it did at the fair. A month ago he was holding MY hand. A month ago he was kissing ME. Telling me he liked me... What a load of bollocks. It was easier to write this... girl he was with off as "a means to an end" for him (i.e. SEX), but to be in a legit RELATIONSHIP with her? In a relationship at ALL when I pegged him for a commitment phob.
A month. A MONTH. What THE HELL was going on all that time I dated him? "Dated." In the weeks after he decided I'd simply just go away if he ignored me long enough. In the two months between our second date and our third date? Was this girl always there?
Was I just there to kill time with?
That hurts the most. It hurts so much. That I was just THAT girl. Not the one, but the one you'll settle for until something better comes along and then immediately discard.
I really didn't want to think of him as a total asshole, I really didn't. I really wanted for SOMETHING to be redeemable about him. If not for my sake, for his own. But every time I try to find a happy medium for hating him for using me and acceptance of the fact something else is just thrown in my face that makes everything UNacceptable again.
"This is all I can really do."
He can't do more than apologize, but somehow I really wish he could.
I've been in the process of getting over Pat for about a month now. His response to Chelsea's message helped get the ball rolling. His stupid phone call and apology almost sealed the deal. Running into him at the Barnstable County Fair not once, not twice, but THREE times with his fat, homely date was nothing short of confirmation that there was nothing more to say or think about the matter. And so a few weeks passed.
Overall, I've been okay. I haven't thought about him too much. Honestly, I think I'm still in some state of shock of... everything. That I was suckered into giving him a second and third chance KILLS me. That I thought, at one point in time, that I might have actually been falling for him? That just about destroys me. How STUPID could I possibly be? It's so.... embarassing. And sad. Sad, sad, sad. Of course I'd want there to be some redeeming moment to make up for all the bullshit I've been through; trying to remember it, and thus enjoy it, as it was. But the problem is what it was was a LIE. Everything.
And I'm still confused as to where it went wrong. I don't want to date Pat now. To my understanding (which seems to switch up now and again) I don't have any resounding "feelings" for him. But I'm still so angry and upset about WHY it didn't work out. WHY I wasn't good enough, desirable enough; WHY he was (is?) such a fickle asshole. I want to know what happened between the Wednesday where we went out and talked on the beach for hours and hours and he was so into me and following Friday where I KNEW, oh how I knew and didn't want to accept, that it was over. Why, why, why?!
For weeks now I've been kicking around the notion of messaging him and/or whether there is a need to. Last night I had a dream about him and the chick I saw him with at the fair. It was AWFUL. At one particular point I said something flirtatious to him, poked him in the cheek and then said, "But I still haven't forgiven you." Ironically, we were walking and he was holding hands with that fat, homely chick.
Because of that stupid dream he's been at the back of my mind all day today. Finally, I succumbed to myspace stalking and found out, haha, that he's in a fucking RELATIONSHIP with some girl, if not the one I ran into, not even a month after we stopped... "dating" or whatever the hell I should call it.
It just STINGS. Like it did at the fair. A month ago he was holding MY hand. A month ago he was kissing ME. Telling me he liked me... What a load of bollocks. It was easier to write this... girl he was with off as "a means to an end" for him (i.e. SEX), but to be in a legit RELATIONSHIP with her? In a relationship at ALL when I pegged him for a commitment phob.
A month. A MONTH. What THE HELL was going on all that time I dated him? "Dated." In the weeks after he decided I'd simply just go away if he ignored me long enough. In the two months between our second date and our third date? Was this girl always there?
Was I just there to kill time with?
That hurts the most. It hurts so much. That I was just THAT girl. Not the one, but the one you'll settle for until something better comes along and then immediately discard.
I really didn't want to think of him as a total asshole, I really didn't. I really wanted for SOMETHING to be redeemable about him. If not for my sake, for his own. But every time I try to find a happy medium for hating him for using me and acceptance of the fact something else is just thrown in my face that makes everything UNacceptable again.
"This is all I can really do."
He can't do more than apologize, but somehow I really wish he could.