Stupid rain
It's been a rough week. I'm so tired from the long hours and the intensity of my work. I couldn't wait and welcomed this brief stint of my weekend, and my BBQ tomorrow.
I was already feeling anxious about the weather forecasts announcing 30-40% chances of rain in the afternoon. I was praying all week that it would change to sunny. It's still 30-40% of rain, and I'm hopeful it'll change. It's just the behind-the-scenes that are making me feel hopeless about myself. I'm feeling unsupported right now. I have one person yelling at me for feeling disappointed that the BBQ might not happen, being that it's one of the few times I ever really try to do anything for myself. I have another person that's annoyed that I might cancel the BBQ tomorrow because of the weather, and that I decided against her suggestion to rent a tent weeks ago for the event. They're both really close and important to me, and it sucks. It sucks that the BBQ might not happen because I really feel like I need this time to relax right now, and it sucks that I have these couple of people around me making me feel guilty for the way I feel.
Yeah. I know I shouldn't let them get to me. I know that I gave them the control to make me feel this way. I know that I'm putting so much emphasis on this thing happening, and that it makes no sense to get so upset over it. I just do. Which is why I'm ranting now. I'm mad at myself for putting so much emphasis on this one, single event. It just feels like so much more to me right now. I'm always putting other people's needs and feelings above my own. Now, when I'm actually trying to do something for me, it feels like everything's going wrong. I know this isn't true, it just feels this way right now. I know in a couple of hours, I'll be rational and clear-minded again. The crying's helped. The writing too.
Despite my mood, I hope you're all having a nice weekend. I need a helluva lot of chocolate now.
I was already feeling anxious about the weather forecasts announcing 30-40% chances of rain in the afternoon. I was praying all week that it would change to sunny. It's still 30-40% of rain, and I'm hopeful it'll change. It's just the behind-the-scenes that are making me feel hopeless about myself. I'm feeling unsupported right now. I have one person yelling at me for feeling disappointed that the BBQ might not happen, being that it's one of the few times I ever really try to do anything for myself. I have another person that's annoyed that I might cancel the BBQ tomorrow because of the weather, and that I decided against her suggestion to rent a tent weeks ago for the event. They're both really close and important to me, and it sucks. It sucks that the BBQ might not happen because I really feel like I need this time to relax right now, and it sucks that I have these couple of people around me making me feel guilty for the way I feel.
Yeah. I know I shouldn't let them get to me. I know that I gave them the control to make me feel this way. I know that I'm putting so much emphasis on this thing happening, and that it makes no sense to get so upset over it. I just do. Which is why I'm ranting now. I'm mad at myself for putting so much emphasis on this one, single event. It just feels like so much more to me right now. I'm always putting other people's needs and feelings above my own. Now, when I'm actually trying to do something for me, it feels like everything's going wrong. I know this isn't true, it just feels this way right now. I know in a couple of hours, I'll be rational and clear-minded again. The crying's helped. The writing too.
Despite my mood, I hope you're all having a nice weekend. I need a helluva lot of chocolate now.