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Been a long time, LJ. So, I can't sleep because of my cold and because of all these annoying, anxious thoughts in my head.
I've been having trouble sleeping and feeling lonely for a while, but I know I'm mainly to blame. Without meaning to, I keep putting myself at arm's length from everyone by not calling to catch up or hang out. I make excuses--constantly have to clean (my poor cleaning/heavy procrastination skills) or living far from everyone else. Then, I feel sad when I see some of my friends doing fun stuff without me, to which I wasn't invited. I start beating myself up, wondering if I would've been invited if I kept in touch more. My therapist pointed out that I have control issues. I've noticed I shut down and get obsessive when I have no control of events happening. Like now. I have no control over my friends hanging out without me, and I just need to purge this obsessive thought out if my system, so I can do something of which I DO have control: stop procrastinating, clean up (within reason of having a toddler in tow), and invite someone over.
I think I also just miss hanging out with my friends from my pre-baby days. I have a lot of mommy friends, but sometimes I like to just be ME for a few hours--not a mommy, not a wife. Just me. An hour or two a day to myself would be perfect. And sleeping hours don't count.
Ok. I feel much better. I hope unloading all this will help me sleep now. Good night!
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