(no subject)
you're not good enough. You never will be. You're out of breath out of time. It's too long to wait, too long till this goes. He'll look you in the eye and he'll never even know. He'll never know how you feel. He'll never know any of it. It wouldn't be hard to tell him, but he'd change the way he thinks. he won't look at you in the same playful way. He won't be comfortable by it. It's so hard to see him. It's so very hard to be there. looking him in the eye might kill you, but you've got to do it. You're not good enough. You've lost too many chances. Too far behind. You've lost the chance you did have. it's too long gone now. maybe he'll never know, maybe he wants to know. You're a coward, afraid to face him, afraid to face the past. Maybe it's more than one him, but the world is so combined. It's hard, it's lonely it's tiring to not sleep at night. Just want to punch walls, make a smooth spot and hit it over and over and over. i want t punch it, release the stress. i wont stop until i have bloody knuckles...until i can't close my hands...i think about it. say do crunches when i feel like punching walls. cracking knuckles against my wall...build me up, watch me fall.... I lie in bed at night, can't sleep, tossing and turning, so alone. It's so hard to sleep. so hard to keep this going. cracking knuckles against the wall wanting to punch it, so ready to fall. it's one hour down, six till i have to be awake. six more until i can resign not sleeping. Six more to wait, to lie awake thinking. Lyrics and lines so hard to define it's challenging my brain leaving me in constant pain. I'm thinking about him, thinking that maybe i'm thinking i'm good enough one day, getting harder to believe the 'truth'. maybe i'm understanding how she's feeling. i'm sick of knowing that he doesnt see me. it's killing me to be the shadow that walks beside this ugly truth. I know i was told to remember to listen to my friends. I am not sure i can do that, not sure i can deal with it. it's hard, hardest at night, but snow makes me smile. walking, deep breath, listening to all the people around me. i'm lonely, even walking in a world full of people. i feel like something is missing, something is wrong. anxiety makes me want to run, but i can't come undone. i'm not sure i ever cried when the chance with him passed me by. Not sure i ever admitted that it was my fault who knows where and when this starts. it's hurting now, and it's killing me very slowly, but not fast enough. I look around me and all i want to see you there...and yet, at the same time, i don't want to want you around. i don't want to see the way you look at me and at the same time i want you to see me. It's getting harder, i'm not sure i know what to do about myself. not sure how to deal with all of this. running, working out, as tiring as it is, is too much for me to do. Can't deal with it, can't look at you without my hands shaking and my body feeling like it's going to try and give up, give out. feeling worthless, he'll never know...and this is how it'll continue...that's how it goes.