never gonna come back down
i'm having a delightful day really, which is surprising. the weather is nice, the windows open, one of my cats is missing & i'm being all house-wifey like.
clean bath, clean sheets, washing, hoovering, washing up. i feel better for trying to make an effort with my life.
& thats why i feel so awful yesterday maybe i think. oh such bad english there. but waking up at 12 & not getting out of bed til 1pm (even if i have worked til 3.15am & didn't get home til 4am) makes me feel lazy & lethargic, i cope better with little sleep & making my life seem worth something.
tomorrow i'm going to have chaos tattooed on my arm. on my left arm. the crook of the elbow where they always take blood from. i remember the last time the nurse said something about how she was surprised i didn't like it.
& then eventually i'll have that little guy tattooed up there with my scars & the word chaos.
because i feel like i'm moving into another part of my life, one where maybe self harm won't feature at all.which is a bizarre concept to me, really. after ten years to think. i'm not forcing anything though, just trying to slide along on waves. as usual.
i'm still throwing myself away from real life time people, invited to a house tonight for god knows what with the boy, & i'm content to stay at home, i have a book that needs reading. but then, another voice says i could hurt myself on my own tonight, but i don't want that not really, i don't think.i'll just stand my ground because i don't really want to go out, home feels safe when it's tidy.
in other more pressing news, i'm trying to find that girl i was years ago, before drink & drugs & sex. the girl that hated corporate stuff, the big cogs turning & making my head hurt, i couldn't & still can't see how this cheap world with sweatshops & gm food is so much better than homemade, crafted things. i love little things with stories & love & such other hippydippy things. i haven't taken any painkillers for 4 years, & i'm almost proud of that, for some reason, i've been through loosing a child & still didn't touch a paracetomal. so of course i'm making clothes again & trying to shop at the market in town, fresh fruit & meat must be better than sainsburys basics. but, my life choices & my job are at war, as i work for the biggest nightclub owner in the uk.
i have mad ideas of bringing the establishment down from the inside, but then, i change my mind, i'm too insecure in myself to do something of that magnitude, but it'd be nice, one day. maybe.