A tough weekend
On Friday after school, I took a shower and got changed to go to Josh's visitation with my mom. I think that was the hardest part so far of getting through this. A lot of my friends like Nathan, Zach, Dan, Keith, Mike, Ryan, just a bunch of people were there to support me and others. I remember watching a beautiful video showing pictures from the time he was born to him most recently, capturing and depicting a lot of important parts of his life. I ordered the video for $30, but I know that I will watch it a LOT! Then, I decided it was time to view him. I started crying really hard, and it was hard for me because I knew that my Josh was gone, and that would be the last time I would see him. Then, I started walking around a little bit, and Keith went with me to look at all the displays of pictures, Stars Wars and Lord of the Rings stuff that he had. I didn't know he liked LOTR, and I thought that was so cool! :) A lot of people were leaving by then since it was almost 8pm, and the visitation was only from either 2-4pm or 6-8pm. I decided that I would view Josh one more time, I put my hand on his right arm, talked to him, and then I kissed him on the head. Man, that was really hard for me. After that, I talked with Delana (Josh's mom), we hugged and said a few things. She had told me that she coudln't believe that was her Josh, that he looked so sad, that he wasn't smiling, and he had been beat up. Delana and I have been so confused by everything, but God has really given us peace and comfort. I went to say goodbye to a lot of people, and then Josh's dad Stephen approached me, and asked me if I was the young lady who was to go to the prom with Josh. I told him yes, and he said he just wanted to let me know that Josh was really looking forward to going, and he already had a few things made for it. That really tickled me, and he said that he was glad that I was Josh's friend. I left shortly after that.
Today, I woke up to go to solo and ensemble for my school's woodwind quintet. We received a division I rating (which is the best of out of 1-5). That wasn't anything too special or new to me. I was proud of our group, but I had been thinking about Josh all morning. I went back home to get some things ready for his memorial (funeral), and left. My mom and I stopped @ a gas station to get some gas, some windshiled washer fluid, and a snack. I filled up my mom's car with the fluid and I got nasty black car junk on me, but I got it off. I tried to eat some of my cheese ritz crackers but I could barely hold it down seeing how I had this anxiety feeling almost all week long. I literally felt like I was going to gag so I stopped eating. I got to church early and a lot of people had already arrived. I signed a guestbook and walked up to where Josh was to put a letter I had wrote him that morning by him. That was the last time I saw him. I waited a while for my friends Dan, Nathan, Zach, and Kegan to get there. While I waited, Lord of the Rings music was being played because Josh LOVED the LOTR. (Just like me, well...I'm not a HUGE fanatic, but I do like it a lot!)
The service started and Pastor Lee had talked about Josh and showed a slideshow. People were allowed to stand up and tell people memories that they had of Josh which I was going to do, but felt very nervous. The first man that went up was a Pastor at Josh's old church I believe. He said some very nice things about him. Then, another man started to talk and said that he was telling us what he felt God wanted him to say, and he said that Josh sacrificed his life for God, and Pastor Lee corrected him by telling him that when God sent Jesus, he paid the final and ultimate sacrifice by dying for us. I was so glad when he said that to clear things up. Then, a woman stood and did have any memories of Josh to say except for seeing him in church. After her, I rose my hand and stood up to say some things about Josh. I told everyone that I knew we all made really great memories with Josh, and went on about how I asked him to go to prom with me a few weeks ago, he said he had never been asked to a school dance before, he was really excited, and that it wasn't going to be any normal dance. We were going to have to make outfits out of duck tape, and people started to laugh. I mentioned how he had made a shoe out of duck tape and said that it wasn't a very good shoe, he used like a whole role of duck tape, but at least he made one. Then I said how I thought that people who are optimistic like he was are part of the reason why I'm able to be, and how he has a great smile. I told people how 2 Corinthians 1 has helped me, and summarized it up for everyone. Delana said thank you when I was done, and I sat down. One more person stood, and a man read a lot of scripture from the Bible, and told people how he feels like because of Josh, there will be a lot of people who will come to Jesus.
After everyone was done, Delana stood up, and read a beautiful poem. Pastor Lee spoke a little bit more, and told us how the last line of Josh's note said, "I'm with Jesus now." He said that he believed that Josh was in Heaven now, but he didn't agree with his 2nd to the last line that said, "Go on like normal with your lives." Pastor Lee said he couldn't believe how Josh could think that we could ever go on like normal with our lives after he would take his life like that. He wrapped the service over by asking if anyone knew that they needed Jesus in their life, and I really think that there were a lot of people who gave their lifes to God today. Hallelujah! :) A quick video was shown, and then we were released to leave. After the service, I went down to the Pulse (our youth room) with my mom and friends to talk while we waited to go to a Luncheon.
I noticed that it had been the first time I had ever gone to a funeral/memorial, and it wasn't yucky outside. The sun was out, and it was really cold or windy at all. We headed over to the Luncheon early, and we ate lots of food. I personally had a bun with turkey, mustard, and colby cheese, potato salad, a spinach-strawberry-cranberry-and whatnot salad that was so yummy, meatballs, a pink frosted sugar cookie, and some lemonade that was way too sweet. I sat with a lot of people and talked about a lot of things. After that, I went back home and Nathan and Kegan tagged along. We watched "Tommy Boy", and after that, they had to leave. My daddy got my mom and I some delicious ham and pinneapple pizza while he ordered himself some NASTY mushroom and bacon pizza from Papa Johns. I remember that Josh liked pizza a lot, I remember having the same kind @ his 15th birthday party. Good times...up to that point, I called up my friend Courtney in Colorado and we talked about an hour and a half about Josh, although I did most of the talking. Now, I'm writing this because I never want to forget what has happened. Please pray for Josh's family, friends, and me again because we will never stop needing the love and support. Thank you so much!
~*Jillian*~
Today, I woke up to go to solo and ensemble for my school's woodwind quintet. We received a division I rating (which is the best of out of 1-5). That wasn't anything too special or new to me. I was proud of our group, but I had been thinking about Josh all morning. I went back home to get some things ready for his memorial (funeral), and left. My mom and I stopped @ a gas station to get some gas, some windshiled washer fluid, and a snack. I filled up my mom's car with the fluid and I got nasty black car junk on me, but I got it off. I tried to eat some of my cheese ritz crackers but I could barely hold it down seeing how I had this anxiety feeling almost all week long. I literally felt like I was going to gag so I stopped eating. I got to church early and a lot of people had already arrived. I signed a guestbook and walked up to where Josh was to put a letter I had wrote him that morning by him. That was the last time I saw him. I waited a while for my friends Dan, Nathan, Zach, and Kegan to get there. While I waited, Lord of the Rings music was being played because Josh LOVED the LOTR. (Just like me, well...I'm not a HUGE fanatic, but I do like it a lot!)
The service started and Pastor Lee had talked about Josh and showed a slideshow. People were allowed to stand up and tell people memories that they had of Josh which I was going to do, but felt very nervous. The first man that went up was a Pastor at Josh's old church I believe. He said some very nice things about him. Then, another man started to talk and said that he was telling us what he felt God wanted him to say, and he said that Josh sacrificed his life for God, and Pastor Lee corrected him by telling him that when God sent Jesus, he paid the final and ultimate sacrifice by dying for us. I was so glad when he said that to clear things up. Then, a woman stood and did have any memories of Josh to say except for seeing him in church. After her, I rose my hand and stood up to say some things about Josh. I told everyone that I knew we all made really great memories with Josh, and went on about how I asked him to go to prom with me a few weeks ago, he said he had never been asked to a school dance before, he was really excited, and that it wasn't going to be any normal dance. We were going to have to make outfits out of duck tape, and people started to laugh. I mentioned how he had made a shoe out of duck tape and said that it wasn't a very good shoe, he used like a whole role of duck tape, but at least he made one. Then I said how I thought that people who are optimistic like he was are part of the reason why I'm able to be, and how he has a great smile. I told people how 2 Corinthians 1 has helped me, and summarized it up for everyone. Delana said thank you when I was done, and I sat down. One more person stood, and a man read a lot of scripture from the Bible, and told people how he feels like because of Josh, there will be a lot of people who will come to Jesus.
After everyone was done, Delana stood up, and read a beautiful poem. Pastor Lee spoke a little bit more, and told us how the last line of Josh's note said, "I'm with Jesus now." He said that he believed that Josh was in Heaven now, but he didn't agree with his 2nd to the last line that said, "Go on like normal with your lives." Pastor Lee said he couldn't believe how Josh could think that we could ever go on like normal with our lives after he would take his life like that. He wrapped the service over by asking if anyone knew that they needed Jesus in their life, and I really think that there were a lot of people who gave their lifes to God today. Hallelujah! :) A quick video was shown, and then we were released to leave. After the service, I went down to the Pulse (our youth room) with my mom and friends to talk while we waited to go to a Luncheon.
I noticed that it had been the first time I had ever gone to a funeral/memorial, and it wasn't yucky outside. The sun was out, and it was really cold or windy at all. We headed over to the Luncheon early, and we ate lots of food. I personally had a bun with turkey, mustard, and colby cheese, potato salad, a spinach-strawberry-cranberry-and whatnot salad that was so yummy, meatballs, a pink frosted sugar cookie, and some lemonade that was way too sweet. I sat with a lot of people and talked about a lot of things. After that, I went back home and Nathan and Kegan tagged along. We watched "Tommy Boy", and after that, they had to leave. My daddy got my mom and I some delicious ham and pinneapple pizza while he ordered himself some NASTY mushroom and bacon pizza from Papa Johns. I remember that Josh liked pizza a lot, I remember having the same kind @ his 15th birthday party. Good times...up to that point, I called up my friend Courtney in Colorado and we talked about an hour and a half about Josh, although I did most of the talking. Now, I'm writing this because I never want to forget what has happened. Please pray for Josh's family, friends, and me again because we will never stop needing the love and support. Thank you so much!
~*Jillian*~