Friendship
So, Tuesday night I had a nice "girl date" with my friend Beth... and it wasn't until right now that I realized just exactly how good it was for me.
Besides the nice dinner, the lively conversation, the nostalgic walk around campus (complete with breaking into the dorm we both lived in at different times) and drinking chai while talking about dirty things in a Christian coffee shop, the evening made me realize the importance of a friend who, while being totally honest, is on your side.
You might wonder if such a thing is possible. I did before now - obviously, since none of us are impervious to fault, since we are all deliciously flawed and real, it seems like a Catch 22 to find a friend who will not only tell you how it is but will also genuinely and completely support you. It's not easy, to be sure.
During our tea, Beth asked me whatever happened between me and one of my rare female friends, one that I was fairly close to and now rarely mention. And to be honest, the tale isn't pretty - no one comes out looking particularly good in it. And yet, despite that fact, despite all the complications that stem from a story that has very little black and white and a mess of grey in it, it is a story in which I actually feel, after lots of thought on the matter, that I was not at fault. Some points might make me look petty - again, no one's perfect - but in the end, the actions I made were ones that I felt justified in making. That I still feel justified in making.
It's a story I've really only FULLY told to two people - Nat because he was there for part of it, and Bekky because she asked. Now, while I love both of them, and know that they are honest with me about many things, there are certain aspects about our respective relationships that keep them from being able to be COMPLETELY honest: Nat because, when the tale came out, it was at the very beginning of our relationship, and let's be honest, he's going to think better of me than a person he's never met that he knows little about, excepting the story in question; and Beks because she is friends with both me and the other girl - which puts her in a delicate position. Really, no one else has asked, and to be fair, it's kind of a non issue at this point. All the pertinent details happened well over a year ago.
Beth is a different story, however. While she is my friend, and subject to the same sort of bias as Nathan - she only knows the other girl very marginally - she is also one of the most honest people I know, and because of several key moments in our relationship, she is also a person that I actually feel I can tell just about anything to. And while she will give her opinion on whatever we happen to be discussing - even if it is contrary to my own - she will still manage to support me and try to see things from my perspective WHILE AT THE SAME TIME giving me her own, unadulterated point of view. I knew this from before - she was both honest and on my side during the whole Mess with Adam, but in that female way that you use with all your female friends who have had their heart broken. To have the same reaction in a non-romantic tale is a little different.
So by telling her this story that I don't often tell - a story that, although it IS a non-issue, still causes me some degree of upset to think extensively on because it *does* deal with a person I was friends with - and getting her uncut reaction, while at the same time hearing her tell me that she completely understands how I acted and why, I felt suddenly at once very blessed and stronger in my opinions, and my actions. It was such a nice gift to receive, and what makes it even BETTER was that it was given without the giver knowing how much I needed it, if that makes sense.
So this is essentially my hetero-love-letter to my good friend, and a little bit of perspective on my thoughts on honesty. Do enjoy :)
Besides the nice dinner, the lively conversation, the nostalgic walk around campus (complete with breaking into the dorm we both lived in at different times) and drinking chai while talking about dirty things in a Christian coffee shop, the evening made me realize the importance of a friend who, while being totally honest, is on your side.
You might wonder if such a thing is possible. I did before now - obviously, since none of us are impervious to fault, since we are all deliciously flawed and real, it seems like a Catch 22 to find a friend who will not only tell you how it is but will also genuinely and completely support you. It's not easy, to be sure.
During our tea, Beth asked me whatever happened between me and one of my rare female friends, one that I was fairly close to and now rarely mention. And to be honest, the tale isn't pretty - no one comes out looking particularly good in it. And yet, despite that fact, despite all the complications that stem from a story that has very little black and white and a mess of grey in it, it is a story in which I actually feel, after lots of thought on the matter, that I was not at fault. Some points might make me look petty - again, no one's perfect - but in the end, the actions I made were ones that I felt justified in making. That I still feel justified in making.
It's a story I've really only FULLY told to two people - Nat because he was there for part of it, and Bekky because she asked. Now, while I love both of them, and know that they are honest with me about many things, there are certain aspects about our respective relationships that keep them from being able to be COMPLETELY honest: Nat because, when the tale came out, it was at the very beginning of our relationship, and let's be honest, he's going to think better of me than a person he's never met that he knows little about, excepting the story in question; and Beks because she is friends with both me and the other girl - which puts her in a delicate position. Really, no one else has asked, and to be fair, it's kind of a non issue at this point. All the pertinent details happened well over a year ago.
Beth is a different story, however. While she is my friend, and subject to the same sort of bias as Nathan - she only knows the other girl very marginally - she is also one of the most honest people I know, and because of several key moments in our relationship, she is also a person that I actually feel I can tell just about anything to. And while she will give her opinion on whatever we happen to be discussing - even if it is contrary to my own - she will still manage to support me and try to see things from my perspective WHILE AT THE SAME TIME giving me her own, unadulterated point of view. I knew this from before - she was both honest and on my side during the whole Mess with Adam, but in that female way that you use with all your female friends who have had their heart broken. To have the same reaction in a non-romantic tale is a little different.
So by telling her this story that I don't often tell - a story that, although it IS a non-issue, still causes me some degree of upset to think extensively on because it *does* deal with a person I was friends with - and getting her uncut reaction, while at the same time hearing her tell me that she completely understands how I acted and why, I felt suddenly at once very blessed and stronger in my opinions, and my actions. It was such a nice gift to receive, and what makes it even BETTER was that it was given without the giver knowing how much I needed it, if that makes sense.
So this is essentially my hetero-love-letter to my good friend, and a little bit of perspective on my thoughts on honesty. Do enjoy :)