I opened two doors
Cut made for kindness to friends LJ's, as it is 2.5k+ of words, which I think exceeds the total words I have made in actual posts previously. I did not obscure real names with any LJ tags, and only used one last name. Angst, and drama exist behind the cut, read at your own peril, and possible marring of my own image that you may have of me. To my brother, forgive me if any of it bothers you, I felt it was time.
Tonight I ended up talking about personal stuff to two people who didn't have a strong idea about my past, just some passing insight. Some of you, are familiar with both. I know my brother, Colin, is almost completely aware of both, but neither subject comes up all that often, as I think some people aren't sure what kind of place either will open a door to, as they can be touchy subjects.
The first is my mother. Maria Theresa Williams.
My mom was a hard woman. She was strict, but fair. After she and my father divorced, when I was about 2 or 3, and my brother was 1, she joined with the National Guard. This action bothered my father, as the custody hadn't been decided when she left for training, and he says that my mom shouldn't have been able to, but at the time he wasn't in a state to fight for custody of his two sons, as he was going through recovery for alcoholism. Ultimately Colin, and I were left in the custody of my mother, and while she was in basic training, were entrusted to people for childcare. Eventually our Granny, took us out to her, I want to say she was done with her basic, and was in her advanced training when this happened, but I don't remember. After sometime out there, we eventually moved back to Maryland, and lived with our Granny. My mother took a job with a Drug Store, I think it was Dart Drug, and Colin and I were put into a private school, which we attended from when I was in Pre-school, till mid-way through my second grade year, so about 4 and a half years. During this time my mom started to work at the Goddard Spaceflight Center. While attending this school we moved out of my Granny's apartment, and into one in Rockville, Md. Our tenure at this school ended when we moved to Greenbelt, Md., just down the road from Goddard. During my 2nd grade year is when my future step-father, Bill, essentially moved in with us. The morning after his first sleep-over, I put him through the paces, by waking him up and asking him to make breakfast for myself, and my brother, which in his just awoken state almost worked, until one of us told him that he was making the Oatmeal wrong, because we just normally used the hot water tap. After his place had been more solidified in the residence, he was given the role of disciplinarian, with in the guidelines of "Mom Law." The reason was due to the fact that my mom worked a rotating shift, and couldn't be with her boys all that often, also the fact that during one spanking, over something minor, she found herself taking out her frustrations in the act, and her rule after that was no more than three swats when delivering a spanking. I remember receiving spankings, over valid mischief, until I was 13 or 14, but none ever received from her, it was always from Bill. Two moves later, and going into my 6th grade year, we ended up in the place I think of as "where I grew up," Edgewater, Md. My mother continued to work at Goddard, as did my Step-father. She worked in the Command Center, that, from what I was told, monitored all the satellites. The last moved happen while I was visiting my dad, and going to summer camp. That wasn't the only thing that had happened either, my mom had a mastectomy performed to remove breast cancer, and to prevent it's spread to her other breast, both were removed. She also married Bill, on Sept. 13, my father's birthday (much to his chagrin). She went, on her honeymoon, and continued with her life. She was on Chemo to make sure everything was taken care of, the rest of my freshman year of HIghschool. Also that year, my brother and I attended our first concert, which was Faith No More, Metallica, and Guns 'n' Roses, tickets were bought so that the four of us, Mom, Bill, Colin, and I, would attend. Our Mom wanted to make sure she was there for our very first rock concert, so that she could oversee, and advise us as to etiquette at such a concert. Bill was unable to attend as he was sent overseas to work, but the three of us went with a friend of Mom's from work. This was the first time I had slept at a rock concert, G'n'R didn't get on the stage till after almost 1am, and I had fallen asleep before they took the stage. I was awoken for their performance of "Welcome to the Jungle," after which we left. I never attended another concert with my Mom. At the start of my Senior year, my Mom had returned after a meeting with a doctor, and in the upstairs living room informed my brother and I, after we had come home from school, that she was starting Chemo again, and the doctor gave her 6 months to a few years left. That afternoon is the last afternoon I remember crying. Standing with my arms wrapped around my Mom, and Colin, all three of us crying. I got my drivers license shortly after, and one of the things I did was to drop off, or pick up my mother from her treatment sessions. It wasn't until March, that I realized how bad my mother was, and didn't have much time left, she was coming up the stairs, I was in the upstairs living room playing a video game, and looked up. I knew that she was my mother, but she didn't look like my mother. Most of my life she had weighed 200+ lbs., but I saw her for what she was at barely over 100 lbs. Life continued for the boys in her life, and I do include my stepfather in that statement. I graduated High School, and she attended the ceremony. Bill was approached on more than one occasion by her coworkers, telling him not to let her come into work, and his response was that they should tell her that, and not him, because he wouldn't. None of them did, one of which had worked with her even when she was in the National Guard, was 6'+, and a weight lifter. I attended senior week, came home. The 4 of us were to attend another concert, Jimmy Buffett, but my mother wasn't able to attend as she was in the hospital. We bought her a shirt regardless. When Bill attempted to give her the shirt, she was upset and refused the gift, as she wasn't able to attend the concert. I think that is when Bill realized the situation. I don't know when Colin realized the situation, as he didn't see her in the hospital that last time, until I forced the situation. I know that she asked his permission to leave, but if he said, "No," she would continue on till he graduated as best she could. The one thing she wanted most to do in her life was to see both her children graduate, as her father was not able to witness her graduate, due to a hospital stay for cancer, and she had promised that she would see hers cross. Colin gave her permission, to pass, which I am glad he did, as I feel she would have continued until he graduated, despite any pain or obstacle put in her path, but was something I would not wish to have seen. It was my senior year that I actually spoke with my mother, not as a son, but more as a peer. If there was one person I would like to have alive right now, it would be her. She is someone I admire greatly, for her strength, and love, despite the fact the she didn't feel as though anyone had loved her. I know that her "boys," did very much so, and I would like to think that the three of us our better for having had her in our lives, despite it's brevity.
That was harder than I thought would be, and ended up shedding tears towards the end. I left out a lot of the BS I had put her through, otherwise it would be much longer than it already is, hopefully the next one will be shorter, as I am not trying to sum up 17 1/2 years.
The second is my relationship with Nick and Lynn.
Despite how everything is currently, I still care very much for their well being. I know I am negative about the two of them, and am usually harder in my views on Nick, than my views on Lynn. Nick is the only person, outside of Colin, that I ever considered as a sibling. He lived with us for the better part of 4 or 5 years. He was my best friend, and confidant. In fact I never would have dated Lynn, if it hadn't been for him. I have been told that one of his ex-girlfriends had, on more than one occasion, suggested that we sleep together, just to get the sexual tension out of the way. I had on many occasions, defended his stay with my brother and I, to Colin, using as many excuses, even if they were weak. Ultimately, Colin had left the decision for the termination of Nick's stay to me, which I used a few days after I decided it would be okay with me, if Lynn and Nick started dating, on the condition that they not hide it this time, and be honest about their relationship. Yes, this time, because they had dated briefly the spring/ summer before Lynn and I had started. Even when Nick was called on the relationship, I don't know if Lynn ever was, he denied that they had anything going on with each other. Nick didn't share that information with me, while I was dating Lynn, and neither did she, as I had stated that I refused to date anyone that Nick had previously dated. Nick and I were already at one degree of sexual separation, by that point. Though, because I had stated this, neither of them felt that they could share the secret relationship they had once had with me. It was not revealed to me until Nov. 17th, and I want to say it was the same day, or next that I gave my blessing on their relationship. I was already on a downward spiral, after my break up with Lynn. Trying to figure out when, and why it had gone wrong. I believed that I was in love with her, that she was the one, obviously I do not feel the same any more, but at the time I was very convinced that was the case. She had awakened in me a need to feel loved, by someone outside of my family, as she was the first girl that had ever said those words to me. My only response that first time was either silence, or the statement "I know." Hell, I never said the words to her until after we had split for a brief period of time. I had at one point asked her why she loved me, and it was simply because I made her feel safe. Though after our break up, those words were like an obsession. I made a grand ass of myself towards her, pestering her to just talk to me, trying to get things right between us, so that we could be together. I vilified Nick, and made him the cause of it all, the reason she left. I even attempted to vilify her, though less convincingly to myself, but definitely came out in the brief conversations I was able to get her to have with me, which turned into screaming matches over the phone, and resolved nothing. I think that the only decent interaction we had during that two month period that existed between my birthday, and Lynn returned from her NC visit with Nick, and we had a conversation about the state of us, which still went poorly, was when I dropped off the Christmas presents I had purchased for her. It was brief, and courteous. Our talk when she returned from NC, was me asking one question, "How do I fit in your life?" Her response, "As a friend." I then spewed forth the meanest, most vile, things I could say about Nick to Lynn. She then told me I was never to talk poorly about Nick in her presence, and I told her that if someone asked I would give my opinions about Nick, freely and openly, and that if she didn't want to hear it, she had two feet and could walk away, but I wouldn't bite my tongue merely because she was around. That was my last interaction with either of them, until I ran into Nick at SEFRE later that year. I ignored him, and when he tried to speak with me, I was curt, and cold. From that point forward, whenever I expected to be in their presence I steeled myself. Never wanting to show emotion towards either of them. Shortly after SEFRE, I stopped attending Camarilla functions, as I did not desire to be in their presence, nor ruin anyone's enjoyment of the game, or function merely because of any tension between the 3 of us. I did return after the NWOD had started, and knew the two of them were playing. I ignored Nick, and made pleasant with Lynn, though it didn't go past game talk or pleasantries between the two of us. I have been keeping track of the two of them on and off, through mutual acquaintences, as they do come up in topic. I expect the worst for the two of them, and still remain hopeful that I am proven wrong. At one point, I know I wished Nick would exit the lives of my friends, and not burden them. I didn't want him dead, just to leave, and sever contact. The two have caught me off guard since my last dealings with either of friends. One time was at a Birthday part at a friends, when Lynn said that she trusted me to play a character that was antagonistic towards other characters, I felt that I had ruined any trust between us. The second time was when Nick e-mailed me to be the God father of their daughter. A third time in that their relationship has lasted as long as it has. I admit to being disappointed in that Nick still hasn't exactly stepped up to be a provider for his family. I know that he has tried, and I hope that he eventually does, as I believe he is capable, only time will tell if he does. I do not regret having been friends with either. I do regret my actions after giving them permissions, as I wasn't fair to either of them, and the fact that I feel I have to steel myself when I know they will be around as I am not sure how I will react to them. I am aware that this has excluded me from some functions, and possibly damaged my friendships with those surrounding the three of us. I still love Nick as a brother though not as strongly as I once did, despite voiced opinions about him, and what he has done. Lynn is still someone I care about, as I still care about anyone I have ever been with in a relationship.
Tonight I ended up talking about personal stuff to two people who didn't have a strong idea about my past, just some passing insight. Some of you, are familiar with both. I know my brother, Colin, is almost completely aware of both, but neither subject comes up all that often, as I think some people aren't sure what kind of place either will open a door to, as they can be touchy subjects.
The first is my mother. Maria Theresa Williams.
My mom was a hard woman. She was strict, but fair. After she and my father divorced, when I was about 2 or 3, and my brother was 1, she joined with the National Guard. This action bothered my father, as the custody hadn't been decided when she left for training, and he says that my mom shouldn't have been able to, but at the time he wasn't in a state to fight for custody of his two sons, as he was going through recovery for alcoholism. Ultimately Colin, and I were left in the custody of my mother, and while she was in basic training, were entrusted to people for childcare. Eventually our Granny, took us out to her, I want to say she was done with her basic, and was in her advanced training when this happened, but I don't remember. After sometime out there, we eventually moved back to Maryland, and lived with our Granny. My mother took a job with a Drug Store, I think it was Dart Drug, and Colin and I were put into a private school, which we attended from when I was in Pre-school, till mid-way through my second grade year, so about 4 and a half years. During this time my mom started to work at the Goddard Spaceflight Center. While attending this school we moved out of my Granny's apartment, and into one in Rockville, Md. Our tenure at this school ended when we moved to Greenbelt, Md., just down the road from Goddard. During my 2nd grade year is when my future step-father, Bill, essentially moved in with us. The morning after his first sleep-over, I put him through the paces, by waking him up and asking him to make breakfast for myself, and my brother, which in his just awoken state almost worked, until one of us told him that he was making the Oatmeal wrong, because we just normally used the hot water tap. After his place had been more solidified in the residence, he was given the role of disciplinarian, with in the guidelines of "Mom Law." The reason was due to the fact that my mom worked a rotating shift, and couldn't be with her boys all that often, also the fact that during one spanking, over something minor, she found herself taking out her frustrations in the act, and her rule after that was no more than three swats when delivering a spanking. I remember receiving spankings, over valid mischief, until I was 13 or 14, but none ever received from her, it was always from Bill. Two moves later, and going into my 6th grade year, we ended up in the place I think of as "where I grew up," Edgewater, Md. My mother continued to work at Goddard, as did my Step-father. She worked in the Command Center, that, from what I was told, monitored all the satellites. The last moved happen while I was visiting my dad, and going to summer camp. That wasn't the only thing that had happened either, my mom had a mastectomy performed to remove breast cancer, and to prevent it's spread to her other breast, both were removed. She also married Bill, on Sept. 13, my father's birthday (much to his chagrin). She went, on her honeymoon, and continued with her life. She was on Chemo to make sure everything was taken care of, the rest of my freshman year of HIghschool. Also that year, my brother and I attended our first concert, which was Faith No More, Metallica, and Guns 'n' Roses, tickets were bought so that the four of us, Mom, Bill, Colin, and I, would attend. Our Mom wanted to make sure she was there for our very first rock concert, so that she could oversee, and advise us as to etiquette at such a concert. Bill was unable to attend as he was sent overseas to work, but the three of us went with a friend of Mom's from work. This was the first time I had slept at a rock concert, G'n'R didn't get on the stage till after almost 1am, and I had fallen asleep before they took the stage. I was awoken for their performance of "Welcome to the Jungle," after which we left. I never attended another concert with my Mom. At the start of my Senior year, my Mom had returned after a meeting with a doctor, and in the upstairs living room informed my brother and I, after we had come home from school, that she was starting Chemo again, and the doctor gave her 6 months to a few years left. That afternoon is the last afternoon I remember crying. Standing with my arms wrapped around my Mom, and Colin, all three of us crying. I got my drivers license shortly after, and one of the things I did was to drop off, or pick up my mother from her treatment sessions. It wasn't until March, that I realized how bad my mother was, and didn't have much time left, she was coming up the stairs, I was in the upstairs living room playing a video game, and looked up. I knew that she was my mother, but she didn't look like my mother. Most of my life she had weighed 200+ lbs., but I saw her for what she was at barely over 100 lbs. Life continued for the boys in her life, and I do include my stepfather in that statement. I graduated High School, and she attended the ceremony. Bill was approached on more than one occasion by her coworkers, telling him not to let her come into work, and his response was that they should tell her that, and not him, because he wouldn't. None of them did, one of which had worked with her even when she was in the National Guard, was 6'+, and a weight lifter. I attended senior week, came home. The 4 of us were to attend another concert, Jimmy Buffett, but my mother wasn't able to attend as she was in the hospital. We bought her a shirt regardless. When Bill attempted to give her the shirt, she was upset and refused the gift, as she wasn't able to attend the concert. I think that is when Bill realized the situation. I don't know when Colin realized the situation, as he didn't see her in the hospital that last time, until I forced the situation. I know that she asked his permission to leave, but if he said, "No," she would continue on till he graduated as best she could. The one thing she wanted most to do in her life was to see both her children graduate, as her father was not able to witness her graduate, due to a hospital stay for cancer, and she had promised that she would see hers cross. Colin gave her permission, to pass, which I am glad he did, as I feel she would have continued until he graduated, despite any pain or obstacle put in her path, but was something I would not wish to have seen. It was my senior year that I actually spoke with my mother, not as a son, but more as a peer. If there was one person I would like to have alive right now, it would be her. She is someone I admire greatly, for her strength, and love, despite the fact the she didn't feel as though anyone had loved her. I know that her "boys," did very much so, and I would like to think that the three of us our better for having had her in our lives, despite it's brevity.
That was harder than I thought would be, and ended up shedding tears towards the end. I left out a lot of the BS I had put her through, otherwise it would be much longer than it already is, hopefully the next one will be shorter, as I am not trying to sum up 17 1/2 years.
The second is my relationship with Nick and Lynn.
Despite how everything is currently, I still care very much for their well being. I know I am negative about the two of them, and am usually harder in my views on Nick, than my views on Lynn. Nick is the only person, outside of Colin, that I ever considered as a sibling. He lived with us for the better part of 4 or 5 years. He was my best friend, and confidant. In fact I never would have dated Lynn, if it hadn't been for him. I have been told that one of his ex-girlfriends had, on more than one occasion, suggested that we sleep together, just to get the sexual tension out of the way. I had on many occasions, defended his stay with my brother and I, to Colin, using as many excuses, even if they were weak. Ultimately, Colin had left the decision for the termination of Nick's stay to me, which I used a few days after I decided it would be okay with me, if Lynn and Nick started dating, on the condition that they not hide it this time, and be honest about their relationship. Yes, this time, because they had dated briefly the spring/ summer before Lynn and I had started. Even when Nick was called on the relationship, I don't know if Lynn ever was, he denied that they had anything going on with each other. Nick didn't share that information with me, while I was dating Lynn, and neither did she, as I had stated that I refused to date anyone that Nick had previously dated. Nick and I were already at one degree of sexual separation, by that point. Though, because I had stated this, neither of them felt that they could share the secret relationship they had once had with me. It was not revealed to me until Nov. 17th, and I want to say it was the same day, or next that I gave my blessing on their relationship. I was already on a downward spiral, after my break up with Lynn. Trying to figure out when, and why it had gone wrong. I believed that I was in love with her, that she was the one, obviously I do not feel the same any more, but at the time I was very convinced that was the case. She had awakened in me a need to feel loved, by someone outside of my family, as she was the first girl that had ever said those words to me. My only response that first time was either silence, or the statement "I know." Hell, I never said the words to her until after we had split for a brief period of time. I had at one point asked her why she loved me, and it was simply because I made her feel safe. Though after our break up, those words were like an obsession. I made a grand ass of myself towards her, pestering her to just talk to me, trying to get things right between us, so that we could be together. I vilified Nick, and made him the cause of it all, the reason she left. I even attempted to vilify her, though less convincingly to myself, but definitely came out in the brief conversations I was able to get her to have with me, which turned into screaming matches over the phone, and resolved nothing. I think that the only decent interaction we had during that two month period that existed between my birthday, and Lynn returned from her NC visit with Nick, and we had a conversation about the state of us, which still went poorly, was when I dropped off the Christmas presents I had purchased for her. It was brief, and courteous. Our talk when she returned from NC, was me asking one question, "How do I fit in your life?" Her response, "As a friend." I then spewed forth the meanest, most vile, things I could say about Nick to Lynn. She then told me I was never to talk poorly about Nick in her presence, and I told her that if someone asked I would give my opinions about Nick, freely and openly, and that if she didn't want to hear it, she had two feet and could walk away, but I wouldn't bite my tongue merely because she was around. That was my last interaction with either of them, until I ran into Nick at SEFRE later that year. I ignored him, and when he tried to speak with me, I was curt, and cold. From that point forward, whenever I expected to be in their presence I steeled myself. Never wanting to show emotion towards either of them. Shortly after SEFRE, I stopped attending Camarilla functions, as I did not desire to be in their presence, nor ruin anyone's enjoyment of the game, or function merely because of any tension between the 3 of us. I did return after the NWOD had started, and knew the two of them were playing. I ignored Nick, and made pleasant with Lynn, though it didn't go past game talk or pleasantries between the two of us. I have been keeping track of the two of them on and off, through mutual acquaintences, as they do come up in topic. I expect the worst for the two of them, and still remain hopeful that I am proven wrong. At one point, I know I wished Nick would exit the lives of my friends, and not burden them. I didn't want him dead, just to leave, and sever contact. The two have caught me off guard since my last dealings with either of friends. One time was at a Birthday part at a friends, when Lynn said that she trusted me to play a character that was antagonistic towards other characters, I felt that I had ruined any trust between us. The second time was when Nick e-mailed me to be the God father of their daughter. A third time in that their relationship has lasted as long as it has. I admit to being disappointed in that Nick still hasn't exactly stepped up to be a provider for his family. I know that he has tried, and I hope that he eventually does, as I believe he is capable, only time will tell if he does. I do not regret having been friends with either. I do regret my actions after giving them permissions, as I wasn't fair to either of them, and the fact that I feel I have to steel myself when I know they will be around as I am not sure how I will react to them. I am aware that this has excluded me from some functions, and possibly damaged my friendships with those surrounding the three of us. I still love Nick as a brother though not as strongly as I once did, despite voiced opinions about him, and what he has done. Lynn is still someone I care about, as I still care about anyone I have ever been with in a relationship.