I am crushed
Yesterday I screamed out to the LiveJournal world, "Fucking Fuck Cancer". I can't post on Facebook about it, too public, and even the person whom is directly affected by this hasn't posted publicly there, so I won't comment there either until he does. On the other hand, LiveJournal has been somewhat more private, and I am able to share my thoughts with people important to me. I'm going to ramble a bit, so bear with me.
My father had a stroke, as a result of complications of late stage pancreatic cancer. Thankfully the stroke was minor, and rehab will take care of any lingering muscular weakness. It is the pancreatic cancer, that was found/fully realized, because of the stroke itself.
The cancer was diagnosed late into the disease. This was due to the sudden onset of symptoms that he had little to no indication of before. Apparently, this is is fairly common for this type of cancer. At this point, there are limited treatments that may help extend his life, but there is no cure. Current prognosis even with treatment, probably months to a year. If treatment isn't possible...well.... less.
I am not naive, everyone dies at some point, and I am trying to remind myself that I am supremely lucky that at almost 50 years old myself, that all of my parents (Dad/Step-mother, Mom/Step-father, all of whom are in their mid/late 70's) are still alive.
Logically all of that makes sense.
Emotionally, I am crushed.
My Bio-parents got divorced when I was 5, and I stayed with my mother/step-father (no control over custody back then), but I have always had an amazing, ongoing relationship with my father.
The resemblance between him & I, both in personality and physical looks are striking (yes, in both good and some not so good, ways). We've visited often, shared our love for science fiction (Star Trek! and of course more) , his love of photography (I've told him since I was a child that he should become a professional photographer). In his retirement, he now does semi-pro photo exhibitions from his travels). We enjoy each other's company. I see so much of him in me and I am proud beyond words to be able to say that.
Even from Maryland, he has been so much a part of my life growing up, and of course into my being an adult as well. Our visits and our connection has never stopped, never wavered.
In particular, I will forever be grateful for his/their participation in the adoption of our son. Deb & I knew we needed some help with going to Guatemala to get Jonathan, and without a second thought he and Marge (step-mother) dropped everything, and came with us. Helping out where ever they could and creating their own special bond with Jonathan from the first moment that we met him as well. Jonathan has a bond with all of his grandparents, but with my Dad and Marge, there is and always will be something special. Jonathan has already "demanded" that we go down to Maryland to see him, and once my dad's medical plans are in place, come hell or high water, I. WILL. MAKE. THAT. HAPPEN.
There is SO much more to this, I can't put this into words anymore.
I am crushed.