So... been a while...
Hi all. I'm sorry I haven't been around. I...
I have had probably the worst semester of school of my life. I almost quit, I've been so vastly unhappy. I've had a complete collapse of confidence (aided and abetted by my bully of an ex-supervisor *cough*master*cough* (he doesn't want a grad student, he wants a slave)) barely able to drag myself out of bed for the last month and have been "diagnosed" with depression and have just started meds (Ciprolex, an SSRI). I didn't finish any of my coursework this semester and am considering medical leave. The nice part is I have a lot of support at the department, both from professors and fellow grad students, though I'm dealing with feelings of not being deserving of any of it (but enough of that).
I've had next to no energy for anything. And I have a lot of guilt for disappearing and not being a good friend. And a lot of guilt about not being good enough/working hard enough. So I've been lurking, cause my neroses scream that I should be working since I have (had?) so much on my plate. Though compared to a lot of you, I know what I'm dealing with is a drop in the bucket and I haven't wanted to whinge. *hugs*
Thank you llaras for the snowflake cookie. Totally made me tear up. *hugs*
I've totally been playing the avoidance game. The few things that are making me happy (my escapes, as it were) are knitting (You don't have to think, and it shows evidence of time put in! finished my first sweater! made some hats! Working on another sweater and a clapotis out of noro sock (alternating colours every four rows)! have a list of projects as long as my arm to work on) and Adam Lambert (his album, you guys! it makes me so happy. as does his I am who I am (and that is fabulous) attitude. I miss getting dressed up. I'm starting to fix that. I have glitter and am working on my strut.).
I also can't seem to watch shows I am in any way invested in (see: no energy). I have not seen this season of Supernatural, Dollhouse, Friday Night Lights or Merlin. However, I am loving The Good Wife (Kalinda is so amazing) and Castle (Yaythan!) and am enjoying Glee enough to watch it (the music! Kurt! the students (I need more of them, especially the ones that have the least screen time - the party line call, I want more of that). but I pretty much hate the adults and a good number of the storylines. I think Ryan Murphy did it (and by it I mean high school) better on Popular).
So that's what I've been up to/where I am right now. I don't know what this space will be. I don't know how much energy I'm going to continue to not have. I don't know how I am going to balance everything out. But know I miss you, and I love you, and I miss being creative and sharing this amazing and crazy thing called fandom (and through that, our lives) with you. You all are amazing, and I look forward to rejoining you one of these days. I'll try to keep you posted more often/post replies/answer comments. And I'll probably fail a bunch. And I'll try to be ok with failing. I hope you can be ok with that too.
*hugs*
I have had probably the worst semester of school of my life. I almost quit, I've been so vastly unhappy. I've had a complete collapse of confidence (aided and abetted by my bully of an ex-supervisor *cough*master*cough* (he doesn't want a grad student, he wants a slave)) barely able to drag myself out of bed for the last month and have been "diagnosed" with depression and have just started meds (Ciprolex, an SSRI). I didn't finish any of my coursework this semester and am considering medical leave. The nice part is I have a lot of support at the department, both from professors and fellow grad students, though I'm dealing with feelings of not being deserving of any of it (but enough of that).
I've had next to no energy for anything. And I have a lot of guilt for disappearing and not being a good friend. And a lot of guilt about not being good enough/working hard enough. So I've been lurking, cause my neroses scream that I should be working since I have (had?) so much on my plate. Though compared to a lot of you, I know what I'm dealing with is a drop in the bucket and I haven't wanted to whinge. *hugs*
Thank you llaras for the snowflake cookie. Totally made me tear up. *hugs*
I've totally been playing the avoidance game. The few things that are making me happy (my escapes, as it were) are knitting (You don't have to think, and it shows evidence of time put in! finished my first sweater! made some hats! Working on another sweater and a clapotis out of noro sock (alternating colours every four rows)! have a list of projects as long as my arm to work on) and Adam Lambert (his album, you guys! it makes me so happy. as does his I am who I am (and that is fabulous) attitude. I miss getting dressed up. I'm starting to fix that. I have glitter and am working on my strut.).
I also can't seem to watch shows I am in any way invested in (see: no energy). I have not seen this season of Supernatural, Dollhouse, Friday Night Lights or Merlin. However, I am loving The Good Wife (Kalinda is so amazing) and Castle (Yaythan!) and am enjoying Glee enough to watch it (the music! Kurt! the students (I need more of them, especially the ones that have the least screen time - the party line call, I want more of that). but I pretty much hate the adults and a good number of the storylines. I think Ryan Murphy did it (and by it I mean high school) better on Popular).
So that's what I've been up to/where I am right now. I don't know what this space will be. I don't know how much energy I'm going to continue to not have. I don't know how I am going to balance everything out. But know I miss you, and I love you, and I miss being creative and sharing this amazing and crazy thing called fandom (and through that, our lives) with you. You all are amazing, and I look forward to rejoining you one of these days. I'll try to keep you posted more often/post replies/answer comments. And I'll probably fail a bunch. And I'll try to be ok with failing. I hope you can be ok with that too.
*hugs*