a walk
tonight i went on a walk... almost two hours!
i left home with mum playing in my ears, started down to the street, and made my way down alta vista drive to escondido avenue, and walked over to vista way. i walked up vista way to the 7-11 and bought a large fat tire for the road. after making my purchase i walked down vale terrace drive and opened my bottle. sipping my beer i strolled through brengle terrace park, saw a shooting star while tilting the bottle back, and made my way back out to the street on the other side of the park. i made my way up vale terrace place, to alta vista drive again, and walked in the opposite direction of my house. i had never been up this part of my street and was surprised at the size and beauty of some of the houses that were laid before me. i continued up alta vista drive a long ways it looped around it seemed quite a bit, and i wasn't sure where it would end. while i was walking i began to think about my dreams. not the dreams i have whilst sleeping, but my lives dreams. goals if you will. i have a few dreams, but not many. one day i want to be addressed as dr. crowley. no idea what i want to get a doctorate in, but i want it. i want to free the world from the boundaries it sets upon itself with the best art piece i can think of. this has been to me so far, what i thought would happen if i did a lot of drugs and tried to do something spectacular, like run and jump off a cliff. i think that if i were fucked up enough, i could do it, but, would it be in my head, or would i really fly? even if it was just in my head, isn't that all that really matters? that would under a normal mindframe, kill myself, but, if i thought i was flying, at least id go out happy. so thinking about these things, and strolling up alta vista drive, looking at the houses, and thinking about the families that live there, i began thinking of how i was raised, what my house was like, and the family that i shared it with. the different houses i grew up in, and the different things that went on in those houses. the different families that ive shared time with, including close friends, relatives, my foster family, and the apartments that ive lived in since leaving the nest. each house had different interactions between people, different styles of communication. whether it be a family dinner, or notes left on doors, computers, or fridges, there was always communication between all or most of the inhabitants of each place of living. some places always have people coming and going, sometimes people who dont even live there, but are still part of the "family." people sleep over some nights, some nights beds are empty, its all highly situational. i began to wonder if i would ever have a home of my own, and who would live there with me. would i have children? would they have friends over, or would they be out at their friends houses'? am i going to actually do these things? for a long time now, i've thought id never marry someone, more than likely because of my mothers horrible relationships, and the affect they've had on me. i've also thought i wouldn't have children, but, sometimes i think it would be nice to be able to do the things id have liked from my parents. give back what i felt my childhood was missing. maybe i would like children someday, i don't know; maybe i would like a wife someday. maybe someday i'll find someone i feel like i can have a family with. someone who i could live my life in a house with. i dont know what i want really. but these seem like dreams to me. not really goals in life though. just dreams. ill write more later i guess
my path: http://maps.google.com/maps?f=d&hl=en&geocode=11575114139262215734,33.203800,-117.236352%3B15203519443994971144,33.205344,-117.237138%3B15797136379836583403,33.211107,-117.232007%3B7926916389854529188,33.205847,-117.218767%3B8399946637392492577,33.202014,-117.218553%3B15954477642091107078,33.196134,-117.218939%3B8805002030273506104,33.194922,-117.228402%3B2786121113395587102,33.198091,-117.227179%3B802189296925823412,33.202436,-117.235622%3B14544652349513816673,33.205255,-117.232972&time=&date=&ttype=&saddr=729+Alta+Vista+Dr,+Vista,+CA+92084&daddr=33.2038,-117.236352+to:E+Vista+Way+%4033.205340,+-117.237120+to:E+Vista+Way+%4033.211100,+-117.232010+to:Vale+Terrace+Dr+%4033.205840,+-117.218780+to:Alta+Vista+Dr+%4033.202010,+-117.218550+to:Alta+Vista+Dr+%4033.196140,+-117.218990+to:Alta+Vista+Dr+%4033.194920,+-117.228350+to:Crescent+Dr+%4033.198040,+-117.227160+to:Eucalyptus+Ave+%4033.202410,+-117.235620+to:729+Alta+Vista+Dr,+Vista,+CA+92084&mra=pe&mrcr=9&sll=33.204375,-117.231706&sspn=0.007864,0.013475&ie=UTF8&ll=33.197974,-117.195282&spn=0.062916,0.107803&z=14&om=1
i left home with mum playing in my ears, started down to the street, and made my way down alta vista drive to escondido avenue, and walked over to vista way. i walked up vista way to the 7-11 and bought a large fat tire for the road. after making my purchase i walked down vale terrace drive and opened my bottle. sipping my beer i strolled through brengle terrace park, saw a shooting star while tilting the bottle back, and made my way back out to the street on the other side of the park. i made my way up vale terrace place, to alta vista drive again, and walked in the opposite direction of my house. i had never been up this part of my street and was surprised at the size and beauty of some of the houses that were laid before me. i continued up alta vista drive a long ways it looped around it seemed quite a bit, and i wasn't sure where it would end. while i was walking i began to think about my dreams. not the dreams i have whilst sleeping, but my lives dreams. goals if you will. i have a few dreams, but not many. one day i want to be addressed as dr. crowley. no idea what i want to get a doctorate in, but i want it. i want to free the world from the boundaries it sets upon itself with the best art piece i can think of. this has been to me so far, what i thought would happen if i did a lot of drugs and tried to do something spectacular, like run and jump off a cliff. i think that if i were fucked up enough, i could do it, but, would it be in my head, or would i really fly? even if it was just in my head, isn't that all that really matters? that would under a normal mindframe, kill myself, but, if i thought i was flying, at least id go out happy. so thinking about these things, and strolling up alta vista drive, looking at the houses, and thinking about the families that live there, i began thinking of how i was raised, what my house was like, and the family that i shared it with. the different houses i grew up in, and the different things that went on in those houses. the different families that ive shared time with, including close friends, relatives, my foster family, and the apartments that ive lived in since leaving the nest. each house had different interactions between people, different styles of communication. whether it be a family dinner, or notes left on doors, computers, or fridges, there was always communication between all or most of the inhabitants of each place of living. some places always have people coming and going, sometimes people who dont even live there, but are still part of the "family." people sleep over some nights, some nights beds are empty, its all highly situational. i began to wonder if i would ever have a home of my own, and who would live there with me. would i have children? would they have friends over, or would they be out at their friends houses'? am i going to actually do these things? for a long time now, i've thought id never marry someone, more than likely because of my mothers horrible relationships, and the affect they've had on me. i've also thought i wouldn't have children, but, sometimes i think it would be nice to be able to do the things id have liked from my parents. give back what i felt my childhood was missing. maybe i would like children someday, i don't know; maybe i would like a wife someday. maybe someday i'll find someone i feel like i can have a family with. someone who i could live my life in a house with. i dont know what i want really. but these seem like dreams to me. not really goals in life though. just dreams. ill write more later i guess
my path: http://maps.google.com/maps?f=d&hl=en&geocode=11575114139262215734,33.203800,-117.236352%3B15203519443994971144,33.205344,-117.237138%3B15797136379836583403,33.211107,-117.232007%3B7926916389854529188,33.205847,-117.218767%3B8399946637392492577,33.202014,-117.218553%3B15954477642091107078,33.196134,-117.218939%3B8805002030273506104,33.194922,-117.228402%3B2786121113395587102,33.198091,-117.227179%3B802189296925823412,33.202436,-117.235622%3B14544652349513816673,33.205255,-117.232972&time=&date=&ttype=&saddr=729+Alta+Vista+Dr,+Vista,+CA+92084&daddr=33.2038,-117.236352+to:E+Vista+Way+%4033.205340,+-117.237120+to:E+Vista+Way+%4033.211100,+-117.232010+to:Vale+Terrace+Dr+%4033.205840,+-117.218780+to:Alta+Vista+Dr+%4033.202010,+-117.218550+to:Alta+Vista+Dr+%4033.196140,+-117.218990+to:Alta+Vista+Dr+%4033.194920,+-117.228350+to:Crescent+Dr+%4033.198040,+-117.227160+to:Eucalyptus+Ave+%4033.202410,+-117.235620+to:729+Alta+Vista+Dr,+Vista,+CA+92084&mra=pe&mrcr=9&sll=33.204375,-117.231706&sspn=0.007864,0.013475&ie=UTF8&ll=33.197974,-117.195282&spn=0.062916,0.107803&z=14&om=1