(no subject)
First: I'm sure you'll all be happy to know that a phone call from baylorsr this past weekend saved you all from a long, drawn-out splooge of an 'I'm wallowing in my own emo' type of post.
Second: But it only kind of saved you because now I'm going to whine. But in a different way from my whining over the weekend, I promise.
I have been feeling particularly shitty for the past week and a half. Which follows after what I thought was the utter depth of physical and emotional experience that was a couple weeks ago. It feels like I'm being worn down, bit by bit and I hate it.
And it never seems like things get any better. Sure, I'll have a few good weeks, or even months, here and there and yes, the drugs my doctor prescribed make it so I no longer have days where I have to take a vicodin just to do my laundry but that's not really saying a lot, you know? And now I'm worrying all of the time about whether I'll have it in me to actually finish law school and if I do, by some miracle, finish I don't know if I'll be able to effectively find and keep the kind of work that I would need to start paying off the massive student loan debt I've accumulated. I feel like I'm struggling just to keep my head above the water and I keep getting pulled under and having to pull myself back up to the top again.
I'm tired all of the time. I can't remember the last time that I woke up feeling less tired than when I went to sleep. My brain is hardly functioning, a fact reflected in my grades from last term, and I only have the capacity to do the bare minimum of everything. Let's not even start talking about the state of my apartment. Or about the guilt trips I get for not going to church or not being able to really "participate" the way everyone thinks I'm supposed to.
And, seriously, if I can't do this now who says I'll be able to do it after I pass the Bar? I don't even know.
It would be nice to have someone to help me out with all of the little things. My fangirls are awesome and I love them to bits but they either live hundreds of miles away or have all of their own problems to deal with. And my parents are no help. My mom means well but it's all either the end of the world or it's something that we shouldn't talk about because it's some kind of shameful secret. And there are days like today where I'm feeling crappy and I go to have lunch (because she insisted that we have lunch and I didn't feel like dealing with cancelling) and I wasn't gregarious enough, or something, so she thought I was angry with her which caused problems all its own.
I just wish she'd really listen to me, just once, instead of reading her issues into my words/actions/silences/what have you.
Plus it's not like the world in general is terribly rosy at the moment. There's economic collapse in the real news and neverending RaceFail in the internet news and it seems like except for small pockets of scattered resistance that people are just being nasty and awful to each other and that everything is awful.
I'm just tired. I don't have the energy to do this anymore but I don't have any other choice. I suppose that somehow I'll find a way to put one foot in front of the other and carry on because that's the only path left.
I want to go home. But I don't know where home is.
See, ya'll weren't really saved from my emo at all. Except for how Saturday's emo was on an entirely different crazy scale from this one. Or something.
Second: But it only kind of saved you because now I'm going to whine. But in a different way from my whining over the weekend, I promise.
I have been feeling particularly shitty for the past week and a half. Which follows after what I thought was the utter depth of physical and emotional experience that was a couple weeks ago. It feels like I'm being worn down, bit by bit and I hate it.
And it never seems like things get any better. Sure, I'll have a few good weeks, or even months, here and there and yes, the drugs my doctor prescribed make it so I no longer have days where I have to take a vicodin just to do my laundry but that's not really saying a lot, you know? And now I'm worrying all of the time about whether I'll have it in me to actually finish law school and if I do, by some miracle, finish I don't know if I'll be able to effectively find and keep the kind of work that I would need to start paying off the massive student loan debt I've accumulated. I feel like I'm struggling just to keep my head above the water and I keep getting pulled under and having to pull myself back up to the top again.
I'm tired all of the time. I can't remember the last time that I woke up feeling less tired than when I went to sleep. My brain is hardly functioning, a fact reflected in my grades from last term, and I only have the capacity to do the bare minimum of everything. Let's not even start talking about the state of my apartment. Or about the guilt trips I get for not going to church or not being able to really "participate" the way everyone thinks I'm supposed to.
And, seriously, if I can't do this now who says I'll be able to do it after I pass the Bar? I don't even know.
It would be nice to have someone to help me out with all of the little things. My fangirls are awesome and I love them to bits but they either live hundreds of miles away or have all of their own problems to deal with. And my parents are no help. My mom means well but it's all either the end of the world or it's something that we shouldn't talk about because it's some kind of shameful secret. And there are days like today where I'm feeling crappy and I go to have lunch (because she insisted that we have lunch and I didn't feel like dealing with cancelling) and I wasn't gregarious enough, or something, so she thought I was angry with her which caused problems all its own.
I just wish she'd really listen to me, just once, instead of reading her issues into my words/actions/silences/what have you.
Plus it's not like the world in general is terribly rosy at the moment. There's economic collapse in the real news and neverending RaceFail in the internet news and it seems like except for small pockets of scattered resistance that people are just being nasty and awful to each other and that everything is awful.
I'm just tired. I don't have the energy to do this anymore but I don't have any other choice. I suppose that somehow I'll find a way to put one foot in front of the other and carry on because that's the only path left.
I want to go home. But I don't know where home is.
See, ya'll weren't really saved from my emo at all. Except for how Saturday's emo was on an entirely different crazy scale from this one. Or something.