Something to do
The last few days I have been like a car in overdrive. I have to run around and get things done just there's nothing I'm supposed to be doing. No list of chores no "to do's" on my palate. Yesterday was the first day in a long time that I could have gone with out eating. It just never really came up as something to do. Instead I was pacing around the house like a loon. Furrious to find something to do. It seems so unfulfilling to eat, or to really do anything. All I want is to move and try to party away my feelings of tension, all this stress. I don't even like saying I am stressed. I hate the word the same way I hate the word depression. Everyone uses it as an excuse. "I'm too stressed, I'm depressed..." take the wheel of my car for a day and see what those words really mean. You don't know depression until you are laying on your bed unsure as to why you are there let alone crying and for what reason other than the pain of living. Not that I even get that way very often. More for the point of it being so pointless. Stress is another one. I was bottling my tension so much my back took it upon itself to seige up into terrible pain that is still plauging me.
but it seems pointless to even go on about it. I just want to laugh when people ask how I am. I just want to say nothing. I just want to do nothing, but I have to do something. Maybe I'll pack some boxes. Maybe I'll go back to bed.
but I suppose I really should clean and do some laundry for my ungrateful mother. I don't know what it is with her lately either. I'm just going to avoid her as best I can. I don't want to hear about how I "don't". How even as much as I'm trying to do when I hurt to walk, hurt to stand, hurt to sit, hurt to lay down. It's about how I don't do this or I don't do that.
but really I don't want to get into it. No one really wants to hear about it. Not really even me.
In math no solution devaluates the problem, in life no solution is degratifying. No solution means move on or move up. And I think I've been at the same glass ceiling I've been staring through for years.
Constructed of the "don'ts" and "nevers", because it's so black and white. I wonder how someone could live in such a grey area where there's always a reason or excuse, though when it is turned around and it's not theirs its black and white. Always and never...
but it seems pointless to even go on about it. I just want to laugh when people ask how I am. I just want to say nothing. I just want to do nothing, but I have to do something. Maybe I'll pack some boxes. Maybe I'll go back to bed.
but I suppose I really should clean and do some laundry for my ungrateful mother. I don't know what it is with her lately either. I'm just going to avoid her as best I can. I don't want to hear about how I "don't". How even as much as I'm trying to do when I hurt to walk, hurt to stand, hurt to sit, hurt to lay down. It's about how I don't do this or I don't do that.
but really I don't want to get into it. No one really wants to hear about it. Not really even me.
In math no solution devaluates the problem, in life no solution is degratifying. No solution means move on or move up. And I think I've been at the same glass ceiling I've been staring through for years.
Constructed of the "don'ts" and "nevers", because it's so black and white. I wonder how someone could live in such a grey area where there's always a reason or excuse, though when it is turned around and it's not theirs its black and white. Always and never...