(no subject)
I didn't finish the meme thing. I kind of thought the questions just got dumber and dumber, so I gave up. Plus I have been very busy finding myself and all.
I had an epiphany of sorts last night. I had been letting an old "friend" come round now and then. He wants more I say no way he begs, you know the scene. Then we stop talking for a while I cave and invite him over, and a bottle of wine later we end up doing something we should not have done. He thinks it means more than it does, starts coming by all the time. So last night he comes by I imagine expecting sex and I am not doing that again. I know it makes him mad, but what can I do. I love him madly and I probably always will, but he hurt me more than I can get past. It has been 12 yrs and I still do not believe he can be true. NO matter how much he tries to convince me otherwise. But the real eye opening moment is this. I realized that I want more for myself. Even if it means being alone, I will be. I know that being with him will prevent me from growing in the direction I am growing and will set me back in that area. I can love him and I think he loves me, but it will not be enough in the long run. I am going to have to give him up totally. I know this. But somehow I know that if I do that better things will come along for me. I am going to get all the things I dream of. As tempting as it may be to give in and just be with someone I cannot do it. He is not the guy for me. Maybe there is no one for me, and if so that is ok. I have to keep my focus on work and getting myself to a better place financially etc. I can do this! I AM DOING THIS!
I went to a work dinner thing last night and while there I realized for the first time I felt comfortable and like I "had a right" to be there. I know that may sound weird, but in the past I would have felt out of place, like the other people there were better than me somehow. Last night I felt a belonging that I have not had before. I am confident and I know I just have to be patient with myself.
I had an epiphany of sorts last night. I had been letting an old "friend" come round now and then. He wants more I say no way he begs, you know the scene. Then we stop talking for a while I cave and invite him over, and a bottle of wine later we end up doing something we should not have done. He thinks it means more than it does, starts coming by all the time. So last night he comes by I imagine expecting sex and I am not doing that again. I know it makes him mad, but what can I do. I love him madly and I probably always will, but he hurt me more than I can get past. It has been 12 yrs and I still do not believe he can be true. NO matter how much he tries to convince me otherwise. But the real eye opening moment is this. I realized that I want more for myself. Even if it means being alone, I will be. I know that being with him will prevent me from growing in the direction I am growing and will set me back in that area. I can love him and I think he loves me, but it will not be enough in the long run. I am going to have to give him up totally. I know this. But somehow I know that if I do that better things will come along for me. I am going to get all the things I dream of. As tempting as it may be to give in and just be with someone I cannot do it. He is not the guy for me. Maybe there is no one for me, and if so that is ok. I have to keep my focus on work and getting myself to a better place financially etc. I can do this! I AM DOING THIS!
I went to a work dinner thing last night and while there I realized for the first time I felt comfortable and like I "had a right" to be there. I know that may sound weird, but in the past I would have felt out of place, like the other people there were better than me somehow. Last night I felt a belonging that I have not had before. I am confident and I know I just have to be patient with myself.