come on in, I've got to tell you what a state I'm in
I've always liked to classify things. Put things away in their nice little boxes. I like when things fit, when things work out, and best of all, I like when I can make sense of them.
This is not a good way to live. And I have learned that over the years. Believe me, I've learned to be a little more flexible. I've been persistently told by ex-boyfriends, by friends and by family members to be more spontaneous, to not be so dependent upon my routine, to not look at change or misplaced feelings or experiences as necessarily bad things. I am trying and I have improved.
But in my world, I like to organize things into different realms. Now I sound like my nerdy fantasy fiction brother. But what I mean is that I have different sections of my life: my family, my friends, my work, my relationships, my outer self and my inner self. This is how I organize my goals and measure my successes and my failures.
And typically, it's not a hard thing to do. It is not a difficult thing to measure something. Except for right now, except for at this point in time. If you look at me, I am a big question mark. I am unresolved in every aspect of my life. And it's not like I'm just failing at everything, in fact, I think I'd almost prefer that, Instead, I'm at a standstill, with nearly everything.
I thought that my best way to "move on" would be to jump into something with someone else. And I did it even though I knew that I still had feelings for Ross. But here I am, three dates into Jim and he hasn't called me. And I'm wondering, did I do something wrong? And I'm hoping, maybe I did and he'll end things with me. And then I'm hoping, no I'm overreacting, how could he not like you. And I'm forgetting what I want because I just don't know how HE feels. And I can't stand not knowing. Just tell me one way or the other. I'm not meant for games. I'm an honest person. If I like you, you'd have to be an oblivious oaf not to notice. So not letting me know, one way or the other, is near torture.
If you ever want to piss me off to my limit, go ahead and ignore me. Give me the silent treatment. It will make me madder than if you called me out on every flaw that I have. All three of them.
So to continue my suspension, work is driving me nuts. We're still in transition mode from '05 to '06 so not only do I not know how much money I'm bringing in from last year bonus-wise (think 10K and up), I don't know when I'm getting it. Let me tell you how hard it is to sit here and dream of new sneakers and a space heater and know that your hard-earned money is floating around somewhere in the fine print of it all. It's VERY hard, and it's very cold. To make it worse, we don't have our goals for this year, nor our sales marked so far for January, so I come in every day completely clueless as to how we're doing. I work my tail off and I would like something visual to show for it. For my own sake. But it's the nature of the business. And not at all my nature.
Things with my family are okay. I just don't know when I'm going to see them next. January's tough. I technically don't get vacation time until June. But I need a goddamn vacation. I'm in dire need of sunshine. I need an escape. I'm thinking of booking a flight to florida for a weekend and sitting on a beach by myself and reading my books and listening to my music and shuffling my feet through heavy sand and splashing waves. But, of course, I can't do that until I get my money. Question mark.
For my friends, yes I know you all love me and you're here for me but the truth is, I have been ignoring phone calls and emails and even AIM (gasp) because I have too much to explain. Oh yes, the last time we talked I was really happy, wasn't I? Well, no, I'm not still dating that guy. I'm dating a new guy, only three dates in and he hasn't called so well, yeah maybe I'm not. Let's not mention guys anymore because every time we catch up again, it's never the same guy, is it? Right. And yeah, work. Well, I'm getting a bonus but I don't know when, and that was for last year. How's this year going? Well, I'm not really sure. My brother? Oh he's good, he's writing a book. What's it about? Well, why don't you read it when it's published. My family? They're good, well Toby had knee surgery and my mom's starting a new job but she doesn't really know where. And my dad, he's visiting Boston to help me with financial planning but since I don't know when I'm getting my bonus, well we don't know when he'll be up here. The weather? In Boston? Oh well everyday I fall asleep to the same weatherman telling me that it's going to snow! And just in time for my morning commute! At least that's a constant....so how are you doing?
The outer me is doing okay. We've finally adjusted to the fact that Christmas has come and gone and there's no need to pop cookies like they're vitamins anymore. The gym has been my retreat lately. I've been aiming for 4 or 5 days a week and my new computer has really helped the iPod cater to my days. I'm in no mood to cook something by the time I roll in at 7:30/8 so I "make" vegetables or soup or well that's basically it. I feel like it's a normal thing to attempt to lose at least 5 lbs after you've been broken up with. Sort of like the "did we really need an appetizer" weight. Although I do miss crab cakes.
My inner self. Oh we're doing okay. I mean, I'm a bit bored so I've been trying to fill in my time of not knowing anything about my own life with knowing something about ANYTHING. Lots of reading, lots of singing, lots of researching and working on robby's book. I should volunteer or sign up for a community class or something. I'm trying to get Mel to teach me how to knit but that's totally drawing out more "grandma" comments from Karl. I'm surviving. I'm just ready for this potential energy to shift. I don't care, at this point, which direction something moves, as long as it does.
I do, however, wish that I was a better judge of character. Or maybe just that I could tell someone's intent upfront. I hate being wrong about people and yet it seems like I am. Often. I'm so tired of feeling disappointed.
But you know what? What's the alternative? Me lowering my expectations and letting just anyone walk right over them? It's not worth it. If I'm not meant to understand it, I'll at least move past it. I'll even chalk it up to failure. I will take my black and white to your gray today. And tomorrow. And I will find someone who brings color to the page. Hell, I'll let them find me.
In the meantime, here's hoping for some resolution.
This is not a good way to live. And I have learned that over the years. Believe me, I've learned to be a little more flexible. I've been persistently told by ex-boyfriends, by friends and by family members to be more spontaneous, to not be so dependent upon my routine, to not look at change or misplaced feelings or experiences as necessarily bad things. I am trying and I have improved.
But in my world, I like to organize things into different realms. Now I sound like my nerdy fantasy fiction brother. But what I mean is that I have different sections of my life: my family, my friends, my work, my relationships, my outer self and my inner self. This is how I organize my goals and measure my successes and my failures.
And typically, it's not a hard thing to do. It is not a difficult thing to measure something. Except for right now, except for at this point in time. If you look at me, I am a big question mark. I am unresolved in every aspect of my life. And it's not like I'm just failing at everything, in fact, I think I'd almost prefer that, Instead, I'm at a standstill, with nearly everything.
I thought that my best way to "move on" would be to jump into something with someone else. And I did it even though I knew that I still had feelings for Ross. But here I am, three dates into Jim and he hasn't called me. And I'm wondering, did I do something wrong? And I'm hoping, maybe I did and he'll end things with me. And then I'm hoping, no I'm overreacting, how could he not like you. And I'm forgetting what I want because I just don't know how HE feels. And I can't stand not knowing. Just tell me one way or the other. I'm not meant for games. I'm an honest person. If I like you, you'd have to be an oblivious oaf not to notice. So not letting me know, one way or the other, is near torture.
If you ever want to piss me off to my limit, go ahead and ignore me. Give me the silent treatment. It will make me madder than if you called me out on every flaw that I have. All three of them.
So to continue my suspension, work is driving me nuts. We're still in transition mode from '05 to '06 so not only do I not know how much money I'm bringing in from last year bonus-wise (think 10K and up), I don't know when I'm getting it. Let me tell you how hard it is to sit here and dream of new sneakers and a space heater and know that your hard-earned money is floating around somewhere in the fine print of it all. It's VERY hard, and it's very cold. To make it worse, we don't have our goals for this year, nor our sales marked so far for January, so I come in every day completely clueless as to how we're doing. I work my tail off and I would like something visual to show for it. For my own sake. But it's the nature of the business. And not at all my nature.
Things with my family are okay. I just don't know when I'm going to see them next. January's tough. I technically don't get vacation time until June. But I need a goddamn vacation. I'm in dire need of sunshine. I need an escape. I'm thinking of booking a flight to florida for a weekend and sitting on a beach by myself and reading my books and listening to my music and shuffling my feet through heavy sand and splashing waves. But, of course, I can't do that until I get my money. Question mark.
For my friends, yes I know you all love me and you're here for me but the truth is, I have been ignoring phone calls and emails and even AIM (gasp) because I have too much to explain. Oh yes, the last time we talked I was really happy, wasn't I? Well, no, I'm not still dating that guy. I'm dating a new guy, only three dates in and he hasn't called so well, yeah maybe I'm not. Let's not mention guys anymore because every time we catch up again, it's never the same guy, is it? Right. And yeah, work. Well, I'm getting a bonus but I don't know when, and that was for last year. How's this year going? Well, I'm not really sure. My brother? Oh he's good, he's writing a book. What's it about? Well, why don't you read it when it's published. My family? They're good, well Toby had knee surgery and my mom's starting a new job but she doesn't really know where. And my dad, he's visiting Boston to help me with financial planning but since I don't know when I'm getting my bonus, well we don't know when he'll be up here. The weather? In Boston? Oh well everyday I fall asleep to the same weatherman telling me that it's going to snow! And just in time for my morning commute! At least that's a constant....so how are you doing?
The outer me is doing okay. We've finally adjusted to the fact that Christmas has come and gone and there's no need to pop cookies like they're vitamins anymore. The gym has been my retreat lately. I've been aiming for 4 or 5 days a week and my new computer has really helped the iPod cater to my days. I'm in no mood to cook something by the time I roll in at 7:30/8 so I "make" vegetables or soup or well that's basically it. I feel like it's a normal thing to attempt to lose at least 5 lbs after you've been broken up with. Sort of like the "did we really need an appetizer" weight. Although I do miss crab cakes.
My inner self. Oh we're doing okay. I mean, I'm a bit bored so I've been trying to fill in my time of not knowing anything about my own life with knowing something about ANYTHING. Lots of reading, lots of singing, lots of researching and working on robby's book. I should volunteer or sign up for a community class or something. I'm trying to get Mel to teach me how to knit but that's totally drawing out more "grandma" comments from Karl. I'm surviving. I'm just ready for this potential energy to shift. I don't care, at this point, which direction something moves, as long as it does.
I do, however, wish that I was a better judge of character. Or maybe just that I could tell someone's intent upfront. I hate being wrong about people and yet it seems like I am. Often. I'm so tired of feeling disappointed.
But you know what? What's the alternative? Me lowering my expectations and letting just anyone walk right over them? It's not worth it. If I'm not meant to understand it, I'll at least move past it. I'll even chalk it up to failure. I will take my black and white to your gray today. And tomorrow. And I will find someone who brings color to the page. Hell, I'll let them find me.
In the meantime, here's hoping for some resolution.