if it makes you less sad, i will die by your hand....
if i could just swallow this lump in my throat.
if i could just make the pounding in my head subside.
if i could just force these chapped lips to crack a smile.
i've got mascara and eye liner smeared under my eyes and streaks down my cheeks from these tears that constantly blind me.
i've got a heart that aches from pains of loneliness, loss, anger and confusion.
i just want to laugh.
i just want to be happy.
i just want something to work.
i just want to breathe easy. to sleep easy.
i just want friends.
i want love.
i want to not be so jaded.
i want to be able to forget people easier.
i want to not be so scared, of love, trusting, caring, giving, taking, of accomplishing something, of people, of life... of being myself....
i want to not care about how other people see me.
i want to stop listening to this homesick for space cd cause it just lets the sadness set in more.
i want my dad to be a dad and stop hurting me and just leaving my life and coming back like nothing happened.
i want my mom to stop punishing me for her own mistakes and stop hating me for her having me too young. i want her to realize what she's done to me. how she's hurt me, and made me the way i am. i want her to see how living with her kills me because having someone constantly inform you of how worthless you are is not exactly nice. i want her to know how much i hate that she never hears me. when i've cried out for help. when i've needed someone to just hug me. she couldn't just put an arm around me, she just told me to stop being upset. like tonight. i'm upset, her solution to it was that i fold her laundry. what choice do i have. if i say no, i have no place to live.
i want a better life. i want to take my brother away from her. i want him to have better than i did. i want him to not be so hurt by her. by his father, who doesn't even call him yet lives 8 minutes away and see's him twice a month. i don't get it. some people shouldn't be allowed to have kids.
i want to stop wanting to take my life. people who kill themselves make me so angry. i'm not a stupid person. i know there are so many other answers. but sometimes i sit for hours and think about how i could do it and when and where. sometimes i'm almost totally comforted by the thought of it. i don't want this. i don't want to feel this way. i want to look forward to each new coming day. but right now. i'm down for the count.
i'm tired of pretending for everyone.
i'm tired of playing nice.
i'm tired of giving second chances to people who don't deserve it.
i'm tired of going back to what's comfortable just because i'm so lonely.
i'm tired of ex's who won't stay out of my life. who read up on me, who pretend they give a fuck how i'm doing.
i'd like an explanation for the one that claims to be in love with me right now who treated me like crap when we were together even though i was great to him. i'd like to know why now.. he says it's because when i moved to chicago and he thought he would never see me again he was lost and he didn't know what to do. he started missing me and wanting to be with me and now that i'm back home he doesn't want to lose me again. right.. too little to late isn't it? you realize what you had now? why? what we had was 3 years ago. why do you want it back now? as if i need this emotional bullshit with how i feel right now. bah.
i want real friends.
- who have time
- who care
- who WANT to spend time hanging out
- who want to have fun
- who will make time even if they are busy, because i would. i do.
- who want to do some of the same shit i do
- who don't lie
- who won't turn out to be fake
- who blah blah blah blah.. this list is too long.
i want a job working with patients in a facility instead of their homes because spending 6-9 hours in someone's home when they are totally insane and their mom is totally insane and her bf is totally insane makes me want to cut my own throat.
ohh.. best comment i said to someone so far in 2004 "shaun was right about you" said to emily. i guess it's safe to assume one of those cuts in that lame ass pics she had posted of herself on myspace with no shirt on and her arm all chopped up is due to me. ohh well. everytime she gets upset she says she's gonna cut herself. it's just a way to get more attention. cause well. that's what attention whores do. i mean. i have this journal to bitch in that maybe 3 people read. soo. whatever.
tim and i are now calling fat people FEEDBAGS all thanks to the girl who had her head stuffed in a super huge bag of movie popcorn when we went to see honey. sick!
also. angi. thanks for being the only one in my life that gives a fuck. i honestly never would have thought a year and a half ago that you and i would ever be so close. there's only one thing i can thank collin for, and that's you! you're the best friend/lover i ever could have asked for. i'm glad we've spent so much time together. thank you so much ang. for all the times you've driven to pick me up and driven my sorry ass home too. you're amazing. i love you so much. p.s. everyone keeps telling me how good i smell thanks to my Victoria Secret spray! hehe.
lorn. thanks for listening to me complain. i appreciate it. you can trust that i wish i was in chicago right now. lots of friends, lots of places to go, certainly not like MA. i love you.
i fucking hate being back here.
i think i'm done for now. there were so many things i wanted to say. but the cd is over for the 3rd time tonight. i'm so confused. my mind is racing i can't keep thoughts straight anymore. i'm going to watch The Smokers and then read until i fall asleep with a quick convo with philip thrown in there. he told me i "BETTER" be on line tonight so we can talk. not sure where that came from. ugh. i wish i was in fucking chicago. grrrr. <3
oh yeah. i talked to brian today. <3 he still says he's coming to see me from NY. driving 8 hours to see me! within the next few weeks when i find him a hotel. that will cheer me up for sure. he can only stay like 3 or 4 days. but.... it's better than nothing and it's a lot more than my so-called friends would ever do for me (not you ang). <3
i think it's time for the rum i have in the closet. yes.. definitely time for the rum.
if i could just make the pounding in my head subside.
if i could just force these chapped lips to crack a smile.
i've got mascara and eye liner smeared under my eyes and streaks down my cheeks from these tears that constantly blind me.
i've got a heart that aches from pains of loneliness, loss, anger and confusion.
i just want to laugh.
i just want to be happy.
i just want something to work.
i just want to breathe easy. to sleep easy.
i just want friends.
i want love.
i want to not be so jaded.
i want to be able to forget people easier.
i want to not be so scared, of love, trusting, caring, giving, taking, of accomplishing something, of people, of life... of being myself....
i want to not care about how other people see me.
i want to stop listening to this homesick for space cd cause it just lets the sadness set in more.
i want my dad to be a dad and stop hurting me and just leaving my life and coming back like nothing happened.
i want my mom to stop punishing me for her own mistakes and stop hating me for her having me too young. i want her to realize what she's done to me. how she's hurt me, and made me the way i am. i want her to see how living with her kills me because having someone constantly inform you of how worthless you are is not exactly nice. i want her to know how much i hate that she never hears me. when i've cried out for help. when i've needed someone to just hug me. she couldn't just put an arm around me, she just told me to stop being upset. like tonight. i'm upset, her solution to it was that i fold her laundry. what choice do i have. if i say no, i have no place to live.
i want a better life. i want to take my brother away from her. i want him to have better than i did. i want him to not be so hurt by her. by his father, who doesn't even call him yet lives 8 minutes away and see's him twice a month. i don't get it. some people shouldn't be allowed to have kids.
i want to stop wanting to take my life. people who kill themselves make me so angry. i'm not a stupid person. i know there are so many other answers. but sometimes i sit for hours and think about how i could do it and when and where. sometimes i'm almost totally comforted by the thought of it. i don't want this. i don't want to feel this way. i want to look forward to each new coming day. but right now. i'm down for the count.
i'm tired of pretending for everyone.
i'm tired of playing nice.
i'm tired of giving second chances to people who don't deserve it.
i'm tired of going back to what's comfortable just because i'm so lonely.
i'm tired of ex's who won't stay out of my life. who read up on me, who pretend they give a fuck how i'm doing.
i'd like an explanation for the one that claims to be in love with me right now who treated me like crap when we were together even though i was great to him. i'd like to know why now.. he says it's because when i moved to chicago and he thought he would never see me again he was lost and he didn't know what to do. he started missing me and wanting to be with me and now that i'm back home he doesn't want to lose me again. right.. too little to late isn't it? you realize what you had now? why? what we had was 3 years ago. why do you want it back now? as if i need this emotional bullshit with how i feel right now. bah.
i want real friends.
- who have time
- who care
- who WANT to spend time hanging out
- who want to have fun
- who will make time even if they are busy, because i would. i do.
- who want to do some of the same shit i do
- who don't lie
- who won't turn out to be fake
- who blah blah blah blah.. this list is too long.
i want a job working with patients in a facility instead of their homes because spending 6-9 hours in someone's home when they are totally insane and their mom is totally insane and her bf is totally insane makes me want to cut my own throat.
ohh.. best comment i said to someone so far in 2004 "shaun was right about you" said to emily. i guess it's safe to assume one of those cuts in that lame ass pics she had posted of herself on myspace with no shirt on and her arm all chopped up is due to me. ohh well. everytime she gets upset she says she's gonna cut herself. it's just a way to get more attention. cause well. that's what attention whores do. i mean. i have this journal to bitch in that maybe 3 people read. soo. whatever.
tim and i are now calling fat people FEEDBAGS all thanks to the girl who had her head stuffed in a super huge bag of movie popcorn when we went to see honey. sick!
also. angi. thanks for being the only one in my life that gives a fuck. i honestly never would have thought a year and a half ago that you and i would ever be so close. there's only one thing i can thank collin for, and that's you! you're the best friend/lover i ever could have asked for. i'm glad we've spent so much time together. thank you so much ang. for all the times you've driven to pick me up and driven my sorry ass home too. you're amazing. i love you so much. p.s. everyone keeps telling me how good i smell thanks to my Victoria Secret spray! hehe.
lorn. thanks for listening to me complain. i appreciate it. you can trust that i wish i was in chicago right now. lots of friends, lots of places to go, certainly not like MA. i love you.
i fucking hate being back here.
i think i'm done for now. there were so many things i wanted to say. but the cd is over for the 3rd time tonight. i'm so confused. my mind is racing i can't keep thoughts straight anymore. i'm going to watch The Smokers and then read until i fall asleep with a quick convo with philip thrown in there. he told me i "BETTER" be on line tonight so we can talk. not sure where that came from. ugh. i wish i was in fucking chicago. grrrr. <3
oh yeah. i talked to brian today. <3 he still says he's coming to see me from NY. driving 8 hours to see me! within the next few weeks when i find him a hotel. that will cheer me up for sure. he can only stay like 3 or 4 days. but.... it's better than nothing and it's a lot more than my so-called friends would ever do for me (not you ang). <3
i think it's time for the rum i have in the closet. yes.. definitely time for the rum.