The Path Not Taken
Sometimes, when I play video games, and get a high score, it shows me the name to enter for the list. And sometimes it has the last name I put in. Just today I was playing reckless driving, a simple game from a long time ago that I hadn’t played in a long time. And I looked at the score when it asked me for my name. It said Sam Lipman 5.22.05. And I always look back and think, what was I like back then? I was a sophomore. Almost a junior. I didn’t know jackie quite as well as I did. I wasn’t friends with alex marty. He wasn’t together with mimsy. lots of things have happened since then. And I feel like it is like a photograph almost. Like some part of me is frozen into that video game when I enter my name. It sounds silly, but it is really something I feel is true for me. Some people don’t agree with me, but they are butts.
Last may... how was I? I hadn’t started Emma yet, and I didn’t know of the essay’s I’d have to come. I hadn’t even thought about physics and the world around me like I do now. I had never felt love, the love in a relationship kind. I wrote with passive voice. and I sucked a little more on the violin. It is just a few words, but to me, it makes me think. When I click the enter button to save my score, and the screen goes black to go to the next screen, I see myself in the reflection. And I think about how I look differently too. Back last may, I didn’t look hispanic... now I do. My eyes were probably darker, like the around them part because I’m getting so much sleep now. It’s great... And I look at myself now and ask am I a better person. My muscles keep getting bigger... I am better at tennis... and I feel... empty somehow.
Have I spent too much time chasing empty dreams and false hopes? Thinking I’m happy but is that only an illusion? Do I know what I want now? I don’t think I’ll even know, really... but I can think I do, and I’ll be happy.
fuck, maybe I’ll just give up... stop worrying. What’s the use? And emotions? what good are they except for getting in the way... and does anybody really ever care so much? and even if they did, what could they do? So that’s it. I’ll give up and live for what makes me happy. and someday, maybe that butterfly will come and sit quietly on my shoulder.
Last may... how was I? I hadn’t started Emma yet, and I didn’t know of the essay’s I’d have to come. I hadn’t even thought about physics and the world around me like I do now. I had never felt love, the love in a relationship kind. I wrote with passive voice. and I sucked a little more on the violin. It is just a few words, but to me, it makes me think. When I click the enter button to save my score, and the screen goes black to go to the next screen, I see myself in the reflection. And I think about how I look differently too. Back last may, I didn’t look hispanic... now I do. My eyes were probably darker, like the around them part because I’m getting so much sleep now. It’s great... And I look at myself now and ask am I a better person. My muscles keep getting bigger... I am better at tennis... and I feel... empty somehow.
Have I spent too much time chasing empty dreams and false hopes? Thinking I’m happy but is that only an illusion? Do I know what I want now? I don’t think I’ll even know, really... but I can think I do, and I’ll be happy.
fuck, maybe I’ll just give up... stop worrying. What’s the use? And emotions? what good are they except for getting in the way... and does anybody really ever care so much? and even if they did, what could they do? So that’s it. I’ll give up and live for what makes me happy. and someday, maybe that butterfly will come and sit quietly on my shoulder.