(no subject)
so after contimplating if i should spend 600 on a bassamp
or 300 on a pa system
i spend 800 on replacing my broken drums.... hella metal
i dont know whats with me
thinking someones awesome and that we could make something work, really isnt enough for me... it really isnt. i cant bring myself to fool around with someone for fun, well i can, but i feel so fucking shallow and dirty and i cant do it like someone cant eat puke... can but cant ya kno? and, i cant seem to figure out how to just spontaneously care for someone with all my fraeken heart.
but when im single, i feel like im so scattered and all over the place, like it helps to be understood, like to be focused to settle down and to get things fuckin taken care of. im racing too fucking much, too sponaneous, living too free a lifestyle, just, im so fucking scattered right now. im so used to having that one friend, that someone, like right at my side, weather its a girlfriend or a best friend, to like discuss everything and everything with to see eye to eye its focusing refreshing, and like, now, theres hella friends but no sidekick... so lonely. even if not be a girlfriend, a somebody
to help me make these decisions, to analyze everything, i love to know whats going on. to not walk blindly, to guess and second guess every situation, to see all
alcohol has ended every close bond.... coincidence? ....no, but thats my straightedge shit im keeping that to myself since nobody likes to hear it unless theyr already straightedge
.......
again
i come back later to add to my entry
wow im so passionate about spilling my dark feelings to the world even though there are probably only 2 people who read this
so um... i think i know what the issue is
trust and fear
after all the times ive been hurt in relationships i cant trust people like have, even some of my closest bestest friends i keep backing off from. why i have such a hard time talking to people that even i might be interested in
and im afraid
just, every best friend ive had.... pfffft
not being able to count on people is the only thing you can count on
or 300 on a pa system
i spend 800 on replacing my broken drums.... hella metal
i dont know whats with me
thinking someones awesome and that we could make something work, really isnt enough for me... it really isnt. i cant bring myself to fool around with someone for fun, well i can, but i feel so fucking shallow and dirty and i cant do it like someone cant eat puke... can but cant ya kno? and, i cant seem to figure out how to just spontaneously care for someone with all my fraeken heart.
but when im single, i feel like im so scattered and all over the place, like it helps to be understood, like to be focused to settle down and to get things fuckin taken care of. im racing too fucking much, too sponaneous, living too free a lifestyle, just, im so fucking scattered right now. im so used to having that one friend, that someone, like right at my side, weather its a girlfriend or a best friend, to like discuss everything and everything with to see eye to eye its focusing refreshing, and like, now, theres hella friends but no sidekick... so lonely. even if not be a girlfriend, a somebody
to help me make these decisions, to analyze everything, i love to know whats going on. to not walk blindly, to guess and second guess every situation, to see all
alcohol has ended every close bond.... coincidence? ....no, but thats my straightedge shit im keeping that to myself since nobody likes to hear it unless theyr already straightedge
.......
again
i come back later to add to my entry
wow im so passionate about spilling my dark feelings to the world even though there are probably only 2 people who read this
so um... i think i know what the issue is
trust and fear
after all the times ive been hurt in relationships i cant trust people like have, even some of my closest bestest friends i keep backing off from. why i have such a hard time talking to people that even i might be interested in
and im afraid
just, every best friend ive had.... pfffft
not being able to count on people is the only thing you can count on