(no subject)
So I'm just gonna ramble on drunkenly. Had some beers and shit at a friend's house. More like Daphne's friend's house, whatever. Lit some fireworks afterwards. Came back home and started talking to my mom for a little bit. I don't even know how we got onto the subject of it, but my mom admitted that she was actually worried about me never having a boyfriend. Thanks, mom. So I finally told her that the reason I've never had a boyfriend, do not currently have a boyfriend, and probably won't ever have one is because her relationship with my dad has fucked me up majorly. And she seemed a little shocked that I would blame her and him for my issues, and I know there's a point in your life where you just have to take responsibility for yourself, but I'm telling you, I have fucking trust issues when it comes to guys because of their relationship. And I think that's completely reasonable and understandable, considering all the shit my dad put my mom through. I'm predisposed to distrust guys and expect the worst from them because of his infidelity and disrespect towards my mom. I automatically see that all guys are going to be like that, and I told her I just have a really hard time trusting guys and opening up to them, and it's not even something I do consciously. I wish I could help it, but it's just instilled in me.
So, yeah...just felt good to fianlly tell her the reason for my being fucked up. And so now she knows for sure that I am NOT a lesbian, like I'm sure she was secretly suspecting. I like the penis, I just don't like what's attached to it sometimes.
I'm getting better at it, though. I'm not as shy and guarded around guys as I used to be. I think, though, when I really think about it, I just can't ever see myself with any guy. Because I don't think I'm pretty enough, I don't think I'm thin enough, I don't think I'm cool enough, to be with a guy. And that's what's really sad. Oh, well. Walk it off, Amy.
So topic change, but I am SUPER EXCITED about moving into our Apartment in approximately 27 days. FUCK YEAH. It's gonna be a fun year. It's gonna be a ground-breaking experience. I think I'm gonna do shit I only ever dreamed about doing. Who else is up for some crazy times this year?! Ummmmmm that better be every single one of you. Man, this is a really gay post. I should probably just delete it...mmmm, hit "send".
So, yeah...just felt good to fianlly tell her the reason for my being fucked up. And so now she knows for sure that I am NOT a lesbian, like I'm sure she was secretly suspecting. I like the penis, I just don't like what's attached to it sometimes.
I'm getting better at it, though. I'm not as shy and guarded around guys as I used to be. I think, though, when I really think about it, I just can't ever see myself with any guy. Because I don't think I'm pretty enough, I don't think I'm thin enough, I don't think I'm cool enough, to be with a guy. And that's what's really sad. Oh, well. Walk it off, Amy.
So topic change, but I am SUPER EXCITED about moving into our Apartment in approximately 27 days. FUCK YEAH. It's gonna be a fun year. It's gonna be a ground-breaking experience. I think I'm gonna do shit I only ever dreamed about doing. Who else is up for some crazy times this year?! Ummmmmm that better be every single one of you. Man, this is a really gay post. I should probably just delete it...mmmm, hit "send".