You'll get a prize if you read this entire thing. Go!
I have three days left. Three days left of my sophomore year here, and then I head back to the all too familiar and constricting town of Cary. Another year has gone by, another birthday has passed me. And though I enjoyed my birthday this year, I still can't seem to wrap my mind around time and how it can seem so far away but then slip by so fast. I am 20 years old. I'll be 30 one day, and then 40, and then 50, and then...Sometimes, most times, I wish I had the ability to fast forward time so I can see just where I'll be and what's going to happen. Another one of those connundrums where it all seems so far away, but I don't want it to come too soon.
This year has been inexplicable. Inexplicably amazing. I have so many memories, and although it sucks having to leave this all for a short time, it's not too bad because I'll still be with these awesome people next year. I'm still sad to go. I never did well with letting go, however temporary. Summer is always welcomed, but for once, I'm not in desperate need of it. I can always tell myself, "This summer will be good," "This time will be different," but I've learned to stop placing expectations on things like that. I think once I have a job set, though, I'll be fine. As long as I keep myself busy, I won't feel like everything's slipping away. I know I'll still get to see my suitemates over the summer, Daphne and I are going to visit them for their birthdays, and I'll get to be with my best friends, too. It sucks that the times we spend together are so far and few in between now, but I still need that time.
It's funny to me how you can feel like nothing's changed, but when you get to the end and look back at the year, nothing's the same. I'm not the same. I've seen the good in me, and I've seen the ugly. I can't say I'm completely proud of everything I've done, and I'm sorry if I've disappointed anyone. I know I've let my mom down, and I know I've let some friends down, too. It's a part of growing, though. And it's healthy. I'm not scared to try things now. I'm open to change, and I want it. I won't say that I don't regret some of my decisions because I know I do, one in particular. Before, I used to try to tell myself not to have any regrets, but I think that's silly now. I'm afraid if I never regret stupid decisions, I'll get too cocky. I still fuck up. I say the most incredibly stupid and absurd things sometimes, but that's one thing I've learned this year. One of my biggest fears has always been looking stupid. I would keep my mouth shut in every situation just because I didn't want people to think I was an idiot. I've pretty much lost that filter in my brain, though. I'm still pretty guarded and shy around new people, but I know I'll never make new friends, have a boyfriend, if I keep my mouth shut all the damn time. Yeah, I'll pretty much look stupid with some of the shit I say, but I think other people like to see that. Because I think I'm starting to see that everyone feels stupid, and it's comforting to know that others are just as dorky. Just as long as you're not ignorant and spiteful with what you say.
I think I've opened up a lot this past year. I've loosened up a fuck of a lot, and I'm not so judgmental anymore. I didn't realize how much I judged until I stopped doing it. I put myself out there, and I got burned. It was a stupid, rookie mistake, and I wish I could erase it all so it never happened, but maybe this is just what I needed. To get my heart ripped out so I could finally see that some people aren't who I had built them up to be and quite frankly, they're not as cool as I thought. I never want to experience this again, but it's reaffirming that there is one thing good in me that I am damn certain about, and it's that I am not careless with other people's feelings. Maybe it's a liability to be so considerate of others and constantly trying to make them happy, but I think some people take others' love for granted, and if you don't realize just how much someone loves you and how good you have or could have it, then, to put it bluntly, you're an idiot. I hate that my tendency and predisposition to distrust most people and be suspicious of their motives has only been confirmed, but seriously, I'm glad I've gotten to know many more and much more awesome people to offset that.
I'm passive-agressive to a fault, and all I do is just pack, pack, pack shit down. I know that's not healthy, but I can't see me ever fixing that. That's just a part of who I am, and it's my coping mechanism, and I think I can accept it. There are some things, though, that I need and want to get out, and it's okay to just get angry. I mean, to get so fucking angry at someone for being so heartless and mean, that I want to yell hysterically and throw things, physically lash out at something. I know that's not healthy either, but who the hell is, anyway? I wish I had the ability to let some things go, though. I am envious of some people's ability to just cut things or people out of their life when they realize just how detrimental those people are to them. I want to be able to do that. I've still got to work on that whole learning to just not give a damn about certain things.
I think I'm starting to stray now, and I realize no one in fuck did anyone actually read this entire thing, and that's cool. I think this more of just a retrospective lesson for myself, and I do feel better now. So until next time, which probably won't be for a while since I find it pointless to journal most events in my life. If it happened, you were either there or you'll have heard about it from my mouth, either way.
This year has been inexplicable. Inexplicably amazing. I have so many memories, and although it sucks having to leave this all for a short time, it's not too bad because I'll still be with these awesome people next year. I'm still sad to go. I never did well with letting go, however temporary. Summer is always welcomed, but for once, I'm not in desperate need of it. I can always tell myself, "This summer will be good," "This time will be different," but I've learned to stop placing expectations on things like that. I think once I have a job set, though, I'll be fine. As long as I keep myself busy, I won't feel like everything's slipping away. I know I'll still get to see my suitemates over the summer, Daphne and I are going to visit them for their birthdays, and I'll get to be with my best friends, too. It sucks that the times we spend together are so far and few in between now, but I still need that time.
It's funny to me how you can feel like nothing's changed, but when you get to the end and look back at the year, nothing's the same. I'm not the same. I've seen the good in me, and I've seen the ugly. I can't say I'm completely proud of everything I've done, and I'm sorry if I've disappointed anyone. I know I've let my mom down, and I know I've let some friends down, too. It's a part of growing, though. And it's healthy. I'm not scared to try things now. I'm open to change, and I want it. I won't say that I don't regret some of my decisions because I know I do, one in particular. Before, I used to try to tell myself not to have any regrets, but I think that's silly now. I'm afraid if I never regret stupid decisions, I'll get too cocky. I still fuck up. I say the most incredibly stupid and absurd things sometimes, but that's one thing I've learned this year. One of my biggest fears has always been looking stupid. I would keep my mouth shut in every situation just because I didn't want people to think I was an idiot. I've pretty much lost that filter in my brain, though. I'm still pretty guarded and shy around new people, but I know I'll never make new friends, have a boyfriend, if I keep my mouth shut all the damn time. Yeah, I'll pretty much look stupid with some of the shit I say, but I think other people like to see that. Because I think I'm starting to see that everyone feels stupid, and it's comforting to know that others are just as dorky. Just as long as you're not ignorant and spiteful with what you say.
I think I've opened up a lot this past year. I've loosened up a fuck of a lot, and I'm not so judgmental anymore. I didn't realize how much I judged until I stopped doing it. I put myself out there, and I got burned. It was a stupid, rookie mistake, and I wish I could erase it all so it never happened, but maybe this is just what I needed. To get my heart ripped out so I could finally see that some people aren't who I had built them up to be and quite frankly, they're not as cool as I thought. I never want to experience this again, but it's reaffirming that there is one thing good in me that I am damn certain about, and it's that I am not careless with other people's feelings. Maybe it's a liability to be so considerate of others and constantly trying to make them happy, but I think some people take others' love for granted, and if you don't realize just how much someone loves you and how good you have or could have it, then, to put it bluntly, you're an idiot. I hate that my tendency and predisposition to distrust most people and be suspicious of their motives has only been confirmed, but seriously, I'm glad I've gotten to know many more and much more awesome people to offset that.
I'm passive-agressive to a fault, and all I do is just pack, pack, pack shit down. I know that's not healthy, but I can't see me ever fixing that. That's just a part of who I am, and it's my coping mechanism, and I think I can accept it. There are some things, though, that I need and want to get out, and it's okay to just get angry. I mean, to get so fucking angry at someone for being so heartless and mean, that I want to yell hysterically and throw things, physically lash out at something. I know that's not healthy either, but who the hell is, anyway? I wish I had the ability to let some things go, though. I am envious of some people's ability to just cut things or people out of their life when they realize just how detrimental those people are to them. I want to be able to do that. I've still got to work on that whole learning to just not give a damn about certain things.
I think I'm starting to stray now, and I realize no one in fuck did anyone actually read this entire thing, and that's cool. I think this more of just a retrospective lesson for myself, and I do feel better now. So until next time, which probably won't be for a while since I find it pointless to journal most events in my life. If it happened, you were either there or you'll have heard about it from my mouth, either way.