ABSolutely 300
ABSolutely 300
Okay, everyone who wants to see “300” has seen it. If you are one of the few who wanted to, but still have not, DO NOT READ FURTHER!!!
Now I am a history and swords & sandals buff. I saw “Gladiator” three times and bought the DVD, then went but and bought the extended version DVD. My DVD collection includes “Ben-Hur”, “Spartacus”, “Julius Caesar”, HBO’s “Rome”, “Passion of the Christ”, “I Claudius”, “The 300 Spartans”, two versions of “Alexander the Great”, “A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum”, historical documentaries on “The Rome of Julius Caesar”, “The Building of the Roman Empire”, “The Coliseum”, “The Spartans” and probably a few more that I can’t remember at the moment. My VCR collection of taped History Channel documentaries dealing with the Ancient World probably numbers around fifty or more.
So when I heard that the “300” was being made, a movie about the single most critical battle of Western Civilization I was like a cub waiting for Christmas Morning. The heroic stand by a mere 300 Spartan soldiers against the thousands of soldiers of the invading armies of King Darius of the Persian Empire. This was going to be a major kick-ass movie!!
What a disappointment.
To my eyes the filmmakers of 300 adhered so religiously to that illustrated novel (or comic book) that it took repeated efforts on my part to fight back the urge to turn pages.
All right, the most obvious thing that was repeatedly pushed into the audience’s face was that the actors playing the parts of the Spartans were all well built. They had abdominal muscles that perfectly fit the phrase of “washboard abs”. Not an uncut stomach among the lot of them. And there was very little to prevent you from seeing those abs since the Spartan soldiers were dressed, or should I say only dressed in a red cloak and what looked like skimpy black leather Speedos. The 300 soldiers (and one king) looked like an Ancient Greek version of a Gay Pride parade with spears.
Heavy-handed visual artsyness was another thing that jarred my nerves in 300. For example, the mystic priests in charge of passing down divine yeas or nays from the Gods through the words of young and beautiful virgin girls were all repulsively diseased and visually ugly. It was explained in the narrator’s voice-over that the leprous-appearing priests usually undid the girls’ virgin condition. If you still had any shred of residual faith in priests in general, you found out that the Persians were also buying these priests.
Hmmm, ugly diseased old priests in dung-colored, er, dun-colored robes up to their eye-balls messing around with young girls while handsome semi-nude muscular young men in skimpy black leather Speedos only hung around with other semi-nude muscular guys. Maybe I missed the rainbow flag in the opening scenes.
Did I mention that the movie had at least one continuity problem? It was in the off-to-battle departure scene. Three hundred semi-nude muscular young men, plus one king, each wearing only a red cloak, skimpy black leather Speedo and carrying one spear apiece. I can only assume that there was a K-Mart along the way to Thermopile where they bought the helmets, swords and shields that they have when we next see them preparing for battle.
And why were all the pre-battle outdoor scenes shot through a honey colored filter? Never mind. Art shouldn’t be questioned. If I start doing that then I’ll question the ABSence of a sound track. Oh, there was one? Funny didn’t here anything audio that stuck in my mind beyond a couple of rousing team shouts from the 300.
Getting onto Thermopile I had to wonder why there wasn’t a scene-setting panoramic shot, or CG overhead shot of the battleground. It would have explained a bit of the upcoming battle tactics. But never mind. The money in the film has probably already been spent on personal trainers in order to produce those eye-popping abs.
Thermopile in those days was essentially a narrow “road” that ran between the edge of mountains and the sea. Today the sea is about a mile away. Darius’ legions had to come this way if they expected to move into Greece. Block this alley and the invasion is stopped.
Anyway, for reasons unexplained in the movie, King Darius of the Persian Empire has decided to invade Greece with a couple gazillion soldiers. If you want to know the real reason then go read a history book. For the movie, just accept that Darius is a bad guy doing what bad guys like to do. And he’s a bad guy despite his not looking anything like the carvings left to us from that time. Staring up at the screen all I could think of was a ten-foot-tall mulatto male stripper dressed in a revealing lacery of gold chains, a small cup, complete with sexy deep voice and a seductive "hi there soldier" come-on to Leonidas.
The battle. A long drawn out collection of Sam Peckinpaw-like slow motion blood sprays interspersed with limb amputations, decapitations and spears being thrust completely through Persian solders.
Unlike our muscular semi-naked Spartans, the Persian soldiers are dressed in robes up to their chins, hats on their heads, and in the case of Darius’ elite “Immortals” have their diseased (?) faces covered by silver Japanese-looking masks.
Oh, did I forget to mention the hideously ugly hunchback Greek traitor who sells the Spartan defenders out? But it’s all right. Before Leonidas becomes an arrowed pincushion he forgives him.
File This Under: Gay Boner Movie with Lots of ABS and blood.
Okay, everyone who wants to see “300” has seen it. If you are one of the few who wanted to, but still have not, DO NOT READ FURTHER!!!
Now I am a history and swords & sandals buff. I saw “Gladiator” three times and bought the DVD, then went but and bought the extended version DVD. My DVD collection includes “Ben-Hur”, “Spartacus”, “Julius Caesar”, HBO’s “Rome”, “Passion of the Christ”, “I Claudius”, “The 300 Spartans”, two versions of “Alexander the Great”, “A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum”, historical documentaries on “The Rome of Julius Caesar”, “The Building of the Roman Empire”, “The Coliseum”, “The Spartans” and probably a few more that I can’t remember at the moment. My VCR collection of taped History Channel documentaries dealing with the Ancient World probably numbers around fifty or more.
So when I heard that the “300” was being made, a movie about the single most critical battle of Western Civilization I was like a cub waiting for Christmas Morning. The heroic stand by a mere 300 Spartan soldiers against the thousands of soldiers of the invading armies of King Darius of the Persian Empire. This was going to be a major kick-ass movie!!
What a disappointment.
To my eyes the filmmakers of 300 adhered so religiously to that illustrated novel (or comic book) that it took repeated efforts on my part to fight back the urge to turn pages.
All right, the most obvious thing that was repeatedly pushed into the audience’s face was that the actors playing the parts of the Spartans were all well built. They had abdominal muscles that perfectly fit the phrase of “washboard abs”. Not an uncut stomach among the lot of them. And there was very little to prevent you from seeing those abs since the Spartan soldiers were dressed, or should I say only dressed in a red cloak and what looked like skimpy black leather Speedos. The 300 soldiers (and one king) looked like an Ancient Greek version of a Gay Pride parade with spears.
Heavy-handed visual artsyness was another thing that jarred my nerves in 300. For example, the mystic priests in charge of passing down divine yeas or nays from the Gods through the words of young and beautiful virgin girls were all repulsively diseased and visually ugly. It was explained in the narrator’s voice-over that the leprous-appearing priests usually undid the girls’ virgin condition. If you still had any shred of residual faith in priests in general, you found out that the Persians were also buying these priests.
Hmmm, ugly diseased old priests in dung-colored, er, dun-colored robes up to their eye-balls messing around with young girls while handsome semi-nude muscular young men in skimpy black leather Speedos only hung around with other semi-nude muscular guys. Maybe I missed the rainbow flag in the opening scenes.
Did I mention that the movie had at least one continuity problem? It was in the off-to-battle departure scene. Three hundred semi-nude muscular young men, plus one king, each wearing only a red cloak, skimpy black leather Speedo and carrying one spear apiece. I can only assume that there was a K-Mart along the way to Thermopile where they bought the helmets, swords and shields that they have when we next see them preparing for battle.
And why were all the pre-battle outdoor scenes shot through a honey colored filter? Never mind. Art shouldn’t be questioned. If I start doing that then I’ll question the ABSence of a sound track. Oh, there was one? Funny didn’t here anything audio that stuck in my mind beyond a couple of rousing team shouts from the 300.
Getting onto Thermopile I had to wonder why there wasn’t a scene-setting panoramic shot, or CG overhead shot of the battleground. It would have explained a bit of the upcoming battle tactics. But never mind. The money in the film has probably already been spent on personal trainers in order to produce those eye-popping abs.
Thermopile in those days was essentially a narrow “road” that ran between the edge of mountains and the sea. Today the sea is about a mile away. Darius’ legions had to come this way if they expected to move into Greece. Block this alley and the invasion is stopped.
Anyway, for reasons unexplained in the movie, King Darius of the Persian Empire has decided to invade Greece with a couple gazillion soldiers. If you want to know the real reason then go read a history book. For the movie, just accept that Darius is a bad guy doing what bad guys like to do. And he’s a bad guy despite his not looking anything like the carvings left to us from that time. Staring up at the screen all I could think of was a ten-foot-tall mulatto male stripper dressed in a revealing lacery of gold chains, a small cup, complete with sexy deep voice and a seductive "hi there soldier" come-on to Leonidas.
The battle. A long drawn out collection of Sam Peckinpaw-like slow motion blood sprays interspersed with limb amputations, decapitations and spears being thrust completely through Persian solders.
Unlike our muscular semi-naked Spartans, the Persian soldiers are dressed in robes up to their chins, hats on their heads, and in the case of Darius’ elite “Immortals” have their diseased (?) faces covered by silver Japanese-looking masks.
Oh, did I forget to mention the hideously ugly hunchback Greek traitor who sells the Spartan defenders out? But it’s all right. Before Leonidas becomes an arrowed pincushion he forgives him.
File This Under: Gay Boner Movie with Lots of ABS and blood.