(no subject)
A sudden wave of homesickness and melancholy. A singular sadness as I listen to this song. The air is just right, cool and light, and it brings on warm memories of summertime in cars, riding around with my friend and talking about movies we're going to make or movies we've seen. Nothing impending, nothing scary. Just a day in Texas with the sun high above, bright and shining, and the knowledge that responsibility was a long time ahead in the future. Never the thought of being somewhere else or the fear of failure, just a moment in time now passed.
But I can't say the melancholy is all the sudden. It came yesterday suddenly, bringing with it memories of a terrible person that was once me, trying hard to be something that I was not. An image of a man in my head, striving for something that is an illusion, a false sense of identity that I could never keep up. And hurting people (many people, I think) in the process. And somewhere in that memory my only regret, something I dare not speak of or else allow the memories to come flooding back all at once and turn my melancholy into a fit of tears.
When are decisions bad decisions? When is sticking to something with great resolve a bad thing? Do we know when our lives go down the wrong path or do we wake up suddenly in the future--as if from a dream--screaming and realizing suddenly all of our mistakes, all at once, and nearly pass out from the sheer weight of them all?
I feel, at times, too old to live. Too old to really be young. I feel as though life were coming to a grinding halt before my eyes, as if I can see the end ahead. Ridiculous? Perhaps, but the feeling I have. People have said my soul is old. I don't know anything about that, but I know I feel old. I don't even believe in a soul, but it is a good metaphor. Is it experience that makes a person feel like that/this? Is it some preternatural trait, born into us that creates the feeling of years beyond our own age? Or is it all in our head, our personal philosophy? And if it is the latter, what does that say about my philosophy? Am I a fatalist? Do I believe that life is ultimately doomed to failure, a failure that is unavoidable. That we are all simply animals scratching our way out a living in this world and that, as successful as humans are in the natural world, carved out a wholly unnatural world in which to compete?
Life is so simple it is confusing and complicated.
But I can't say the melancholy is all the sudden. It came yesterday suddenly, bringing with it memories of a terrible person that was once me, trying hard to be something that I was not. An image of a man in my head, striving for something that is an illusion, a false sense of identity that I could never keep up. And hurting people (many people, I think) in the process. And somewhere in that memory my only regret, something I dare not speak of or else allow the memories to come flooding back all at once and turn my melancholy into a fit of tears.
When are decisions bad decisions? When is sticking to something with great resolve a bad thing? Do we know when our lives go down the wrong path or do we wake up suddenly in the future--as if from a dream--screaming and realizing suddenly all of our mistakes, all at once, and nearly pass out from the sheer weight of them all?
I feel, at times, too old to live. Too old to really be young. I feel as though life were coming to a grinding halt before my eyes, as if I can see the end ahead. Ridiculous? Perhaps, but the feeling I have. People have said my soul is old. I don't know anything about that, but I know I feel old. I don't even believe in a soul, but it is a good metaphor. Is it experience that makes a person feel like that/this? Is it some preternatural trait, born into us that creates the feeling of years beyond our own age? Or is it all in our head, our personal philosophy? And if it is the latter, what does that say about my philosophy? Am I a fatalist? Do I believe that life is ultimately doomed to failure, a failure that is unavoidable. That we are all simply animals scratching our way out a living in this world and that, as successful as humans are in the natural world, carved out a wholly unnatural world in which to compete?
Life is so simple it is confusing and complicated.