(no subject)
My fiancé is a theory and I'm not even talking about what he could be in the future. Right now the man I'm supposed to get married to doesn't exist. He is a balloon that is constantly loosing air. I revive it with fond memories from a week long trip three months ago, or the positive thoughts I have about what might be some day, only the government knows when. I'm getting tired and he always has been and my angst is too much for him but not because he's selfish. But because he's fragile from the fight, so I end up sounding like a military wife on the phone..."so proud of you, everything’s fine, counting my blessings, miss you, love you." My words have become balloons, the thing that I am the best at, words, are all deflated and prune like and even those I run out of, and then there is silence that feels like a dark humid room in a foreign land.
There is a knock at the door and I open it and light streams in framing a silhouette and I'm squinting and they are laughing, warm and familiar and my eyes hurt all the time from all the dilating from all the turning around and trying to find him somewhere in that room. From the going in and the coming out, from checking my watch, from checking my watch.
I think I need to turn the two former paragraphs into a poem.
Just so you know I don't say the former things as to imbue pity. They are just an expression of a piece of this journey. God is bigger than my relationship with Mosiah. That statement means two things. He can take care of my relationship with Mosiah AND my relationship with Mosiah is not the point...my relationship with God is...which I never seem to get around to. Actually it feel like God and I have been married for a while. While we are in a relationship. like I rely on him to bring home the bacon and I know what foods he likes best, I haven't asked him to take me out to dinner in a while and I'm starting to resent him for not picking up on it.
I don't think my relationship with God or Mosiah is over and I must stop thinking that I am "the only thing holding this thing together." Firstly with God, then hopefully George Bush was right and trickle down economics works. Shit. I might be screwed.
The thing I want to be said of me when I die is that I tried and I was honest and had integrity and that I showed people God. Today I am so tired that I have no idea how that plays out logistically. Today Iike theory, it's a nice resting place.